Lessons for the Future

I began texting with a friend who wished me a Happy New Year…..Eve and asked him if he was doing anything special. He responded with it’s all pretty special but I know what you mean. He’s not much for the glamour of things, which I appreciate. I expressed how to me it’s just another year. New Year’s symbolizes something meaningful because of the power we give it, and although it’s beneficial to dedicate a time where we focus and prioritize on our future, it doesn’t mean much to me. It’s true and yet facebook has a way of expanding my train of thought.

For some people, it’s more than just another year to knock off the list and appreciate it as an annual tradition, but it’s truly a meaningful event in their lives. I have friends that have survived divorces and been stronger for it, attended their children’s funeral, and went through some of the most devastating experiences. But they’re changed by it and they’re left feeling empowered and grateful because after a long tedious, struggle, they’ve come out on the other end. They’re finally beginning to feel and understand the value of the pain they had to endure to be where they are today. I’m moved by their experiences just by reading it on their statuses. It’s heartwarming to know that they’ve evolved and grown into more conducive individuals.

My life hasn’t been quite the rollercoaster. I went through a Hellish experience at age 24. Then at age 25, I was recovering from it. At 26, I began processing it. At 27 is when I became receptive and understanding to the lessons. But somewhere along the line, I also became stagnant and under stimulated, which I suppose is understandable considering how intense the past few years have been for me.

I’m now ready to approach 28. I feel like I’ve spent enough time in hiding, contemplation, and recovery. I have no idea what’s in store for me, but I want to take this time to chronicle what I’ve learned. Those things are important to give attention to.

1. Don’t feel bad cutting people out of your life.

This has something I thought I was relatively comfortable with because I haven no problem being honest or direct. But when things aren’t black and white, I find myself floating around and waiting until things become irrefutably unacceptable. During this process I’m making myself vulnerable to it. I try to give people chances and not everyone is blatant in their disrespect. Some people are subtle and cowardly about it.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people make plans with me and not cancel but just don’t show up at all. It puts me an uncomfortable predicament where I find myself feeling guilty, whiny, and self-entitled because it disrupts my entire schedule. I live in LA, and I don’t drive. I can’t just occupy my time doing something else until you give me a ring and then meet up with you when you call by hopping on the freeway. I don’t have that luxury. But it’s not anyone else’s fault that I don’t drive. So emphasizing it makes me feel bad, but it doesn’t take away from the truth. It’s definitely a factor. Then again, it’s not even a factor that should be brought up.

In the world of texting, you can’t let me know you won’t be able to make it? Sometimes technology goes haywire. So I give the benefit of the doubt and I’ll call, assuming the text didn’t go through. There are times there’s no reception, but calls don’t go straight to voicemail. I yet again make allowances. Then perhaps I’ll try fbing them, but don’t I sound stalkerish at this point? Of course I do!

I’m frustrated with the efforts I have to put in and feeling insecure about my actions. If someone were to describe my behavior, I might understand why this person is being avoided, which of course leads me down a spiraling emotion of inadequacy. The direction I take it is on me, but being put in this position was unfair and I wasn’t alone in it. We all get faced with things we don’t necessarily want to do, and we all indulge in escapism at some point. But we’re adults now.

We’re responsible for our actions. If we don’t want to spend time with certain people, we should be honest and direct about it. What’s worse is I’m not always the one initiating the hang out, making people vulnerable to not telling the truth. These same people who ditch me are the ones that not only talk about making plans, but select the dates themselves. So then I feel guilty when my intuition tells me my friends are lying because I don’t want to think negatively of my friends, and honestly their behaviors are unintelligent. I consider most of them to be bright people.

I basically invest a lot of energy running in circles and not accepting my intuition. I may care about certain people, and I may even miss them. But that doesn’t mean I should continue to make allowances for them. As great as it would be to catch up and have a great time, I’d rather surround myself with genuine and honest people. So it’s okay to stop putting effort into people like this. It’s okay.

2. Things always become more difficult with resistance.

Why is it that we complain about how things are so complicated and difficult, but we, ourselves, behave in a way that sustains it? It’s illogical, but we do it anyways. It’s so innate in us that I don’t think many of us realize how our actions are, at times, the very source of difficulty. We subconsciously do things we aren’t aware of. That can leave us helpless and vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to understand it because it’s only through awareness will we be able to correct it.

3. Without effort, there will be no progress.

As an adolescent, I was full of energy that poured out of me in different ways. I was stubborn, resilient, difficult, and persistent. I prided myself on not surrendering or weakening when surrounded by people who only believed in my failure. I was ruthless in my pursuit to prove them wrong. I wasted so much energy into something that I should’ve never given attention to because people who are going to be singleminded and judgmental about me aren’t going to become open-minded because I did what they doubted I could do. In my experience, they become insulted that I proved them wrong. Do I really want the approval of people like that anyways? Not really.

When I finally had that epiphany and I decided to do what I wanted to do, I found myself at a loss. Without others doubting me and being presented with obstacles to overcome, I wasn’t motivated to do much. There was no passion or desire in my actions. I’ve spent so much time trying to find what I want to invest my time that I’m becoming discouraged.

I may be interested in something conceptually, but there aren’t enough details for me to make an informed decision. So then I’m not inclined to put in the extensive amount of effort to explore it. It’s a vicious cycle. What’s a girl to do?

I certainly don’t like it, and I find myself often discouraged. But never have I considered giving up. I take more breaks than I’m proud of to regroup when I feel like I haven’t done much, but I won’t give up, which means I have to keep going. So I have to constantly remind myself that I do all of this because I want to find purpose and meaningful in my life and in my actions. “Without effort, there will be no progress.” However discouraging and put off I am about putting in the effort, it must be done to reach my destination. End of story. No matter how much I despise it and complain about it, it must be done!

4. Make decisions based on my intuition.

First I had to accept that I was experiencing intuition and recognize it for what it is. Then I had to be receptive to it because if I wasn’t, I didn’t know what I was experiencing. I felt this dull, un-definable sense of feeling that plagued me and felt out of place. I couldn’t shake the feeling, either. It became disruptive until it became almost background noise that I got used to.

Now I know what it is. I trust it enough to guide my friends with it. I trust in my ability to be intuitive and accurate. But I still hesitate in executing decisions based on it. It isn’t because I have doubts in my ability; it’s that I take comfort in the familiar. However, my intuition is there to guide me in the right direction. If I ignore it, there are consequences that occur. They keep trying to instill the same lesson in me. Next time listen to avoid this. And that’s what I have to do.

Things to Improve

After making it a point to address that I’m not going to emphasize the New Year, I find myself focusing on it more and more with time. But I believe I’m being productive and conducive, so I encourage this process. Unlike New Year’s Resolutions that are too vague to maintain and quickly forgotten, I’m going to create a list of qualities I’d like to improve on. By concentrating on certain habits and how I should correct them, as well as the benefits of improving them, I’m more likely to work on them. I’ll be taking an objective look and incorporating constructive ways to improve them. I’ll not only be productive but by expressing how it’ll improve my quality of life, I’m benefiting from the rewards effect. It’s like a teaser of what’s to come, that feeling of being proud and wanting to keep up the momentum.

1. Stop procrastinating.

Problem: I’ve adopted procrastination at the mature age of 26. With my OCD and absence of procrastination for most of my life, I believed I escaped this plague. How wrong I was! As I began to work on how I manage my stress, I became less tense about ordinary tasks like paying rent and other expenses. Although it’s good to be on time, it’s unhealthy to panic at the idea that I might not make rent. I eventually discovered after having to face those fears that the world doesn’t end when I don’t pay my rent on the first of the month or I’m a little late on my credit bills. I now find myself procrastinating in many areas of my life because I’m able to sustain myself in my current condition.

Solutions: Break the habit! The key to procrastination is to get started. Even if I retreat to my procrastinating habits, I have to transition towards my goal. It’s emotionally liberating and I’ll realize my laziness is unfounded, which over time will reduce my laziness greatly. I began adding positive things I’d like to do on my to-do list, so I’m more likely to reference it and knock down the list. As much as possible, I’ll combine both an enjoyable task with a less pleasant one such as doing the laundry while talking on the phone with a loved one. Things like that. J

2. Stop being so insecure.

Problem: Being insecure is damaging to my self-esteem and I see no benefit in it. It doesn’t motivate me, and I find myself desperate to avoid people who might reveal to me how amazing I truly am. That’s irrational and unfair.

Solution: We’re susceptible to the things we tell ourselves, even and especially through subconscious communication. Our conscious thoughts are echoes of our subconscious minds. So I’m going to take the time to express and appreciate my positive qualities. I spend an unreasonable amount of time denigrating myself, I can and more than deserve a brief amount of praise early in the morning when I rise and right before I retire. When I find myself with free time, it’s also a good opportunity to remind myself of my positive qualities.

3. Don’t look at the worst in others.

Problem: For various reasons, I find myself seeing the worst in others. Sometimes it’s to protect myself emotionally. I’m more guarded if I think negatively of people. I also think the worst in others when I take something out of context to support my beliefs in my adequacies.

Solution: In combination to acknowledging MY positive traits, which include being a good judge of character and surrounding myself with positive people, I’m going to give the same courtesy and remind myself of other peoples’ positive qualities. We all have negative qualities, and I sincerely believe it’s important to be aware of them. However, I become intimately familiar with the negative stuff. It’s now time to know the positive traits. By focusing on their positive qualities, I’ll appreciate them more and get a balanced perspective. It’ll make me realize how silly it is to highlight a small, insignificant detail. And we’ll all be happier for it.

4. Make allowances for peoples’ mistakes.

Problem: I tend to be unforgiving of peoples’ mistakes, as though we aren’t human. I can be unhappy or disappointed by them, but I MUST let it go. I should hold hostage of it, so I have something to scrutinize. It isn’t fair and it does no one any good but cause insurmountable frustration.

Solution: It’s all about incorporating balance. I certainly don’t make excuses for people, but I can afford to make allowances for peoples’ mistakes. Sometimes when we’re moody, we say something that’s inconsiderate and even disrespectable. One statement shouldn’t overpower months’ consistent behavior. Keep that in mind when you’re tempted to emphasize displeasure. The truth is if I stay silent, I gain perspective and realize that it really isn’t that big of a deal. Sometimes I have to remind myself more firmly because I’d prefer disparaging someone and finding relief in it, rather than disciplining myself. But this is about self-improvement. So I MUST overcome my challenges.

5. Develop discipline.

Problem: I dislike authority. But I find that without supervision and no one to monitor me, I procrastinate. The truth is I could’ve made far more progress in the books I want published. In fact it wasn’t until late last year that I gave them considerable thought. And even then, I’ve come up with concepts and titles. Really beginning to write about it is a different story. I don’t want to rely on external sources to complete tasks I, as an adult, should be able to accomplish independently. I MUST develop discipline.

Solution: Get started. No matter how little I actually produce, I MUST put in the time and effort because even a little bit everyday is better than nothing everyday. Eventually the amount of progress developed will increase. I can’t wait around until I’m able to create an adequate amount of results in a short amount of time or else I’ll never get started. My goal is to take the time and write 2 hours everyday.

6. Not exercising.

Problem: It’s so easy to be sedentary. Without motivation or drive to make a change, I find myself immobile. The idea of breaking a sweat is more daunting than the actual result.

Solution: The only way for me to overcome my hesitation of exercising is to get started and prove to myself that the workout isn’t unbearable. Place sneakers and workout clothes by the bed and slip into them every morning. Go outside for a walk. Even something low impact is better than nothing. Once I develop the routine, I can increase the actual amount of exercise I engage in.

7. Stay connected.

Problem: Life has a way of shifting us away from the people we want to stay connected to. Sometimes I lose track of time until I notice a huge gap from the last time I spoke with friends.

Solution: Try to dedicate time to reconnect with friends. Maybe I can reach out over the weekend and weekdays during lunch hour. Wednesdays might be a good day to make contact with people. Or in the beginning of the week, I can plan on reaching people on specific days and follow through with it. I have certain friends I really want to reconnect with. I told them I’d like to see them at least once a month if possible. That would mean the world to me!

I’m sure there are more things I can improve on, but I’m satisfied with my current list.

What Do I Want Most of All?

Something dawned on me. I have a lot of thoughts, epiphanies, opinions, desires, ambitions, opportunities I don’t care about, missed opportunities, regrets, laughs, friends, clothes, etc etc. You get the idea. I’m plagued with excess, and it leaves me unfocused and cluttered. It’s taking its series of tolls on me. It used to make me feel overwhelmed until I adapted and became numb to them. Nowadays I feel empty because all this excess gives an illusion of abundance, as though it’s fulfilling in some way when it really isn’t.

For someone who’s so good at attention to detail, I’m not too great at focusing on the right attention. And sometimes the way to find the details is in stepping back. If something isn’t natural to me, it may take me decades before I become receptive to it, let alone be able to understand or execute it. Fortunately for me, I’m inquisitive by nature and passivity, if I do ever incorporate it, is temporary.

Lately I’ve been asking myself this specific question, “What do I want most of all?” My first and most important answer is to have emotional security, a sense of confidence in myself. I’m such a paradox. When I was younger, people would tell me they thought at first glance I’m a self-absorbed, egotistical, confident bitch. I’m so far from that, but I suppose it’s a façade I created. I began to emulate what I wanted and to an extreme.

Few people know how truly insecure I am and how much I doubt myself. I guess readers of this blog have a greater insight than some of my closest friends. It’s easy to pretend I’m confident. I get attention, and I have such an influential energy about me that few people ever oppose me. Any basic psych textbook can tell you the signs of a confident person is someone who walks tall and proud, back arched, head high up, smile, interact, make your presence known, and talk with a tone that’s firm, rather than quiet, meek, or indecisive.

A lot of people know this, but most people aren’t in control of their subconscious acts. I’m not saying that I have a greater sense of awareness. Not only would that be incredibly arrogant but also unintelligent. How can I measure my subconscious behavior? It’s subconscious! But I have consciously put in A LOT of effort portraying the signs of confidence. I used to look at girls who appeared confident and tried to copy their walk. I discovered the best way for my body to elongate, make my back sit so to speak where my back was properly arched and I consciously practiced the other traits. I have OCD, so it was easy to stay on track. I would tell myself, “smile, smile, smile, smile, God damn it, SMILE!!!” Things like that until it became natural.

I never let anyone in on my insecurities, so relationships were always the ones that suffered because in situations like that, you’re always exposed. I’m unable to expertly conceal myself by masquerading to be the exact opposite. It’s not fair to the person I’m involved with. It’s always been a problem but one that hardly arises as I rarely met anyone I was interested in getting involved with. My circumstance now just highlights this problem I’ve been ignoring for years. I don’t want to fix this for external reasons; I want it for myself.

The truth is I don’t think I realized how severe it was until now. It’s always been important to me to be a good friend who someone can open up to and trust. The energy I give off is the energy I attract and vice versa. I want to be aware of this, so I can exude positive energy. And there’s nothing positive about suppressing paralyzing insecurity and doubt that eats away at me like a poison I camouflage from the rest of the world. Energy is subliminal. It doesn’t pick up on my behavior but what’s inside of me, and this isn’t what I want to release into the universe.

When something can be interpreted positively or negatively, I reject any positive possibilities and always resort to the negative outcome. Sometimes I’m completely blinded to positive signs or will go as far as discarding it to maintain the consistency that the negative perspective carries. My mind is so strategic and processes information so quickly that it took me years to catch up to it and a lot of people pointing to my error of thought. The problem is not many people can navigate in my mind, so I ignored the statements that came my way as false input. I use negative statements people say out of error or anger, which we all do and use it as an anchor to keep me from being swept away in the moment.

I want to change. I want to just smile back without being suspicious. I want to be able to accept a compliment about my looks without my mind jumping to criticizing someone’s taste or inability to multi-task because there’s another girl more pretty right next to me. I want to apply for that job I know I can do well without experiencing feelings of inadequacies or feeling like I’m being deceptive and manipulative when I convince myself to give me that job because I’m convinced I’ll fail epically. I want to pursue something and move to the next stage, rather than staying where I am out of fear that I won’t perform well in a new environment. I want to be able to do things on my own for the experience, rather than hiding away from the idea of being rejected if I ask others and they have better things to do. I want to focus on my strengths, rather than my weaknesses. I want to embrace my strengths and practice them without guilt because I have weaknesses. I want to know my flaws and weaknesses, so I can strengthen them or know how to overcompensate with my stronger qualities.

Sometimes I’m shocked by the confidence and credit people give themselves. I think to myself, “No way you’re good enough for that!” Sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. But does it really matter? It’s a toxic thought process. I’ve always been a firm believer that mistakes teach us more than always doing things right and offers us more meaningful experiences.

Yet I’m terrified of taking a chance because of the possibility that I’ll make a mistake. Rarely do I ever initiate things on my terms where a mistake occurs. Mistakes just happen around me and I’m effected by it. A lot of times it may not even be entirely my fault, but I accept the blame because I feel I deserve it since my contributions led to it, despite my objections or my intuition that indicate I’m wiser than how I’m being portrayed.

I could never understand girls who used to stare in front of the mirror for hours giving attention to their flaws. Just knowing I had them was so unbearable that I didn’t have the strength to face them or give them my time. Instead I immersed myself in such an effective distraction that I was sufficiently occupied. What I didn’t know then is how the feelings were still there and without removing them, they’d become systemic and contaminate me immeasurably.

It’s becoming harder to conceal my insecurities. I’m losing interest in maintaining my façade, but I have no desire to surrender to these beliefs, either. So I exist in this perpetual state of conflict that overwhelms me as life passes me by. I want to stop being so insecure because for me that’s my key to happiness. Insecurity is the brake that prevents me from truly enjoying life.

Making Improvements

I don’t feel like I have a lot of news to offer. My life hasn’t been moving in the direction or speed I’d like (whatever that direction may be). But I’m making improvements in my life. Steps so small that perhaps they aren’t noteworthy if a standard existed. Not that it matters because I’d ignore such a guideline anyways.

I’m no longer being a destructive force ready to annihilate the only person I’ve ever met that I want to be in a relationship with for real and present reasons. I still find myself being unreasonably insecure by his joking words. Even when I’m tempted to brush them off and flaunt a positive attitude, I find myself becoming smaller. But at least its effects are visible to me now. I can fight what I can sense but a silent force that eats away at me is a different story. So that’s progress…

I’ve stepped back and realize the damage I’ve caused. It’s keeping me cautious, conscientious, considerate, and more thoughtful than I’ve been in a while. I’m ashamed at realizing how negligent I’ve become at being a good person. I feel like I took a hiatus on being considerate and thoughtful. Returning back to that state requires assimilation, and that’s rather unsettling. But again at least it’s happening.

I wish I could celebrate more in my life, but unfortunately there’s very little going on in my life right now. It’s embarrassing to become the girl who’s lost herself in a sea of emotions triggered by a guy and her own insecurities. When you wake from such a nightmare, you find other aspects of your life to be in ruins. I can’t revive what’s dead. I can remove the carcasses to make room for new life and create an ambiance that’ll promote new energy.

Before I get ahead of myself and begin working on those aspects, though, I have to give attention to the very few remaining livelihood left in my life. And that’s why I’m changing my attitude. I don’t want him to suffer through the hellish me again. More importantly, I don’t want to be that person anymore.

I’m not certain how the transformation is supposed to take effect. I do know that my unacceptable behavior was a negative reaction to my insecurities. I have to strengthen myself emotionally and mentally. Whether I act out of line again or not, the cause is the problem and has to be eradicated or transformed into a more powerful and positive source because I refuse to have that presence continue to exist within me. It’s an unwelcome energy that’s made itself a guest within my conscious.

Our thoughts become echoes of our subconscious. The problem is we don’t know what our subconscious thoughts are until IT decides to make itself known to our conscious mind. Only then are we included in what’s going on within ourselves because we have off limits inside ourselves. Talk about helplessness. By the time it’s become known to us, it’s too late. Whatever thoughts we’ve carried over the years have taken root in us. That’s why it’s so important to be careful what energy we attract and keep in our lives.

To kill something off and replace it with something better, you have to starve what you want to remove. Make it weak, so it can die. Feed what you want to exist and survive with the nutrients it needs to flourish. So in this case, I want to rid myself of the insecurities that have plagued me.

It takes a surprising amount of discipline, focus, and conscientiousness. I have to recognize what’s strengthening it, which is difficult to do because I’m untrained at recognizing its allies. Once I uncover these culprits, I have to find ways of eliminating it out of my life. Sometimes that’s a real challenge. Now this only applies to the enemies that are present now.

Threats exist and arise everywhere. I have to ignore them but through recognizing them or else it’ll re-enter into my life undetected. Sometimes it’s just a matter of changing my own behavior. When someone makes a seemingly harmless joke like how they’re embarrassed to be around me, I have to paralyze my auto-reflex of almost instantly feeling inferior. It’s like trying to stop myself from free falling when there’s nothing I can attach myself to. Most times I’m not even aware it’s happening, so I’m unable to protect myself against a danger I don’t suspect or see. Other times it’s happening so quick that even with my awareness, it’s already begun and I don’t know how to stop it.

It’s discouraging when I can’t even see what I’m supposed to stop and even when I do, I’m not quick enough. My failure gives validity to my insecurity, telling me that this is why I feel the way I feel because I really am not good enough. I can’t even help myself. That kind of attention distorts reality. I feel so inadequate that I get consumed in it, not making myself receptive to other facts like how virtually everyone fails at something repeatedly before they succeed and it’s actually a building process for success. Without it, success can’t occur. Another word for it is practice.

I’m not going to feel good overnight. But I like to say smile through the bullshit because if you wait until bullshit leaves your life, you’ll only frown until death greets you and takes hostage of you. Or I say smile through the tears because manifestation is a powerful tool. When I’m crying and I’m upset, I hate it. I loathe it. I want to be happy. I want to smile and feel good again. But as long as I’m crying, that can’t happen. If I wait for the tears to pass, I’ll waste so much time. So instead I smile and force the sadness out of me. I give myself reasons to be happy. Why can’t I follow that same philosophy for my insecurities?

Killing things off isn’t unfamiliar territory. While my experience lies in annihilating positive qualities, all I have to do is change my target. Death of negativity is great and all, but there’s a problem when all that’s left is just death. Death of positive qualities, death of negative qualities. Some form of life has to exist for balance. I’ve recently discovered this because once I got rid of negative energy, I found myself depleted and weak because I didn’t replace it with something nourishing. I still forget to feed myself in positive ways. But at least now I want I should.

When I go deeper within myself, I can hear myself whispering lies of how I’m not good enough. If I have to tell myself negative things for those thoughts to stay alive, I have to say positive things to myself so they’ll stay alive. The process in sustaining an energy life force isn’t what’s flawed. What I’m choosing to keep alive is.

I remember believing that if I’m truly a worthy person, I don’t have to tell myself that because saying it doesn’t make it true. Being worthy is what makes it true. But the truth is we get distracted and sometimes we forget. So the reminders are necessary. Negative thoughts have to recycle in our minds in order to survive; we just aren’t aware of it because it’s occurring in our subconscious.

So as lame as it may sound, I’m going to greet myself in the morning and evening saying nice things to myself, just as I do for the people in my life. If they’re good enough to hear positive things from me, I’m good enough too! I have this fear of going stale and just going through the motions. Even before I’ve begun the process, I’m already complaining and indulging in my fears. Not good! But I’ve listened to my concerns, so I’ll be guarding myself against stagnation. Although it’ll be a while before it becomes routine because it’ll take time to believe what I’m telling myself.

I’m an attractive woman, but beauty is skin deep. I’m also a beautiful person on the inside. No, inner beauty isn’t reserved for the physically unattractive. Inner beauty doesn’t discriminate. What makes me beautiful is my friendliness, caring nature, consideration, thoughtful, interesting personality, intelligence, insightfulness, fun spirit, intuition, desire and ability to help people, my altruistic nature, communication skills, talent as a writer, quality of friendship I offer, my open-mindedness, receptiveness, unique qualities, independence, curious mind, good-heart, honesty, flexibility in my life, resilience to life’s chaos, inner strength, opinionated thoughts, great ideas, inspirational influence, supportive and encouraging qualities, empathetic nature, charm, ability to make friends easily, attract people into my life, the presence of spark I bring out of people, the impact I have in peoples’ life, the smiles and laughter I spread to the people around me, the insights I offer them, the reasons they open up to me, and a myriad of other qualities I’ve yet to mention or even discover.

I help formulate my friends’ goals and aspirations. I make it easier for them to deal with their struggles. My smile has the ability to warm someone’s heart. I’m caring and loving. I’m a valuable friend. I would make a great significant other in someone’s life. I’m affectionate. I give personalized attention. I’m encouraging and supportive. I’d make a good mom because I’m full of ideas and want to share experiences. I have a lot to offer. I’m not any less deserving than anyone else. J

I have a lot more to work on. When I began outlining this entry in my mind, I imagined it to be much briefer. But I’m pleased with the new life that was born through this entry. My spark of confidence and self-esteem boost.

Getting Tired of this Bullshit!

Okay, I've had it! I'm tired of being emo! I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my depressing entries. I'm tired of exhausting myself emotionally and spiritually cuz I'm too fucked up in the head. Time for a major deep emotional cleanse cuz I can't, I REFUSE, to keep going on like this.

All my pains and fears are real and not to pull the childhood card but understandable. I ran away from home at 12, bounced around in foster homes and group homes. I've never really been a part of a loving home or environment and the one I was exposed to, I mostly hid away from. Those are explanations, but they shouldn't be what keeps drowning me. I try to stay away from the water, but I keep walking into it cuz I'm terrified about what's out there on land. Then I panic as I drown. Well what the fuck do I expect? I put myself in these situations.

I want to be happy. I found someone who makes me happy. Yes, I'm scared. I've been burned in the past. So I what burn him before he tries to burn me when he's given me no indication that he will burn me? That makes my defensive maneuvers just malicious and paranoid. When I go further deep into my thoughts, I know I'm not doing this cuz I'm scared he'll burn me; I'm terrified that he won't. It's a universal fear, so I'm not alone in it. I'm not crazy for experiencing it, but I'm tired.

This is just like when I gave up on my adolescent anger and violence cuz as an adult, it required too much energy to maintain it. As Head Cashier at Walgreens, the impatience of a customer led to cops being called. Extreme much? Now I've handled escalated calls and manage irate people and molding them into gentler beings. That's an unbelievable transformation! I have to do the same with this.

Yes, it's depressing how I got motivated. Fear of losing someone. My actions are still rarely triggered through self desire and more from external sources, but that's another issue. I'm not going to delay this recovery process by weighing myself down with other issues I have. Not cuz I'm in denial but cuz I'm focused and determined to overcome this.

I'm always going to trust people who don't deserve it throughout my life. That can't be a reason to hide myself away. I have to be strong enough to be willing to put myself in a vulnerable situation. I used to think I could never get over the pain, but that's obviously not true. Now I'm just terrified of it more cuz I know what I'm in for IF that happens. This fear has to be put down cuz I'm becoming vindictive in sustaining my sense of security.

I have no reasons to distrust you, so I slowly find myself warming up to you which is the precursor to vulnerability. So I fabricate reasons to distrust you by punishing you for being honest and distorting the truth to keep my fears alive. These two entities can co-exist within me. I either open myself up or I shut myself down. I can't keep fluctuating between the two. For one thing, I'm going to malfunction. Of course, each force wants to sustain its existence and is powerful. But one has to die and I want it to be my dark side.

I want to be happy. I want to treat him the way he deserves to be treated. My friends appreciate me for being intuitive, insightful, supportive, and inspiration. He likes me. He finds me fun, interesting, caring, smart, kind, good-hearted but he also thinks I'm a bit selfish, bratty, childish, and uncompassionate. These are my old qualities that haven't completely died off, but I've been resurrecting them against him to keep me from getting hurt emotionally. These qualities I've been expressing aren't actually a true reflection of who I am. I hope it's not too late and I have the opportunity to show him who I truly am. He's sensed it and that's why he likes me. I want him to know that side of me.

I'm tired of hurting him. I'm tired of the recycled apologies. If I thought I was going to hurt him again, I would've let this go once and for all. But I can do this!!!

It sounds insane and forced, but desperate measures! Our subconscious thoughts are echoes of our conscious minds, and we don't even know what our subconscious thoughts are until our conscious minds allow them to surface. Sometimes we don't even get any insight, though. If someone's a really amazing person and you have to repeat it, it'll make you question if it's really true. Like why are you trying so hard to be so convincing? But that's a generalized belief. Everything is too personal. Besides I don't want a general perception to keep me from moving forward.

For self-love to grow, I have to feed myself with self-love. It requires a lot of attention and support. I have to be reminded cuz I'm forgetful and my negativity will beat down every positive attributes I include into a space that was once only occupied by malicious thoughts. So I have to constantly give myself flowers and a lot of them cuz many will be sacrificed in the battle. Gives flower power a whole new meaning.....

And it's not just me. If I'm turning someone into an enemy and distort reality so convincingly, I have to use the truth to clear my senses. Why the fuck would I get mad at someone for falling asleep when he's tired cuz I wanted to spend time with him? If he was just a friend, I wouldn't resent him for it. I'd cover him with a blanket and be quiet or move to an insulated spot, so he can rest without distraction. But I interpreted his exhaustion as a rejection cuz if it were true, then I can leave and abandon my fears of facing these things. I wish I wasn't so fucked up in the head.

I hope it's not too late. But more importantly, I'm learning from this. It shouldn't have gotten to this point, but I'm going to turn poison into medicine!

Dear God, Goddess, Creator, Lord, Allah, Universe, I Speak to YOU

I imagine you’re beyond words and description anyways. Please look into my heart and help me put the puzzle pieces together. I’m lost, you see. I don’t know what to do with my life or where to go. Paradox of choice, I suppose. I’ve been floating around for quite some time, and I’m growing unmotivated and discouraged as time passes. I feel burdened and weighed down by an abyss of nothingness, and it’s exhausting.

I believe there are signs everywhere, but not every sign is good. So showing me signs isn’t necessarily helpful. Even exposing me to them if I’m unable to recognize them is equally ineffective. I’m intelligent, observant, and aware. But somehow I keep missing them for whatever reason. So please assist me in both showing me the way, as well as making me recognize them. The useful signs.

I’m asking for this assistance because I want to live a life with purpose where I’m fulfilled professionally. Of course, I have other desires. But right now I need to obtain employment with purpose. I’m sick of landing bullshit jobs that eventually slip away either due to incompatibility I know the universe is partially responsible for sabotaging to make me available to uncover or create what’s best for me.

I can do bartending. I can do crap retail jobs. I can go to school. I can travel. But I want to know which one is best for me. Part of that is defined by how receptive I am to it and making the best out of it, but I know there’s something deeper I’m meant to do than what I’m doing now. I need your help.

I really, really feel like school isn’t the path for me. Maybe it’s my belief that’s manifesting that reality. And without it, it could totally be my light. But I have to follow my intuition. You know when you’re exposed to something negative and you find yourself overwhelmed by it? Well I think of school and it feels like a heavy, torturous waste of time. I don’t have the discipline or desire to be there.

Duh, we all have to do things we don’t want to do. But it’s more than that. This isn’t a childish mentality. This is something deeper inside of me projecting this. Besides if I try to fight it as I’ve always done my entire life, I’ll never move forward. I don’t want to waste any more time in a classroom when it doesn’t work for me.

I feel isolated and out of place from either world. I’m smart but not enough to hang in the real world, being hurled into a job without the training. I’m not able to pick it up on the fly. I’m deceptive like that. I give the impression and appearance that I can, but it hasn’t worked. I’m not saying this to be negative but to be realistic and honest. In a classroom, I’m unmotivated, unexcited, and it actually kills my spark of interest. It does more damage than good. I don’t enjoy bitching about this. I wish I could just make it work in either, choices. But I just know there’s something else I’m missing. Please help me figure that out.

We all have natural talents. And when we find a career harnessing that, we’re happiest. Writing is my natural talent. So something with writing. I love the idea of something altruistic. I need a job that’s going to allow ideas to grow and manifest, but they can’t just be voiced ideas. They’ll have to come to life. I need money! I can’t live off of minimum wage. But without an educational background or proper work experience, anything that barely relates to what I might be interested in which is a desperate perception as it is, leaves little room for proper compensation. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Purpose Through Employment

While I can't say stagnancy has left my side, the air that's lifted around me and my recent exposure to the stillness has made me particularly sensitive to the transitional elements between both states. I realized that stagnancy is heavy but builds slowly, so you never see it until it's too late. You only know its presence when it's paralyzing and by then your senses have significantly deadened. It's imperative to snap out of it but where do you go? That's how I kept wasting my time. By waiting for something to whisk me away, move the energy around me, or find something that'll allow a shift within me, I was rotting away in the stillness of time.

When we become victim to stagnancy, we search and long to escape it. But that's a poor approach because finding something that exhilarates us takes time. It's without a doubt worth exploring, but sometimes a swift change in environment is what's needed. So putting forth our efforts and energy into a long and tedious task is an error. As my state of mind began to alter, I realized we have to manifest our desires through our emotions, that intensity that stirs in us that stagnancy has made doormat. No matter how much we disconnect to it, we're human. We're emotional by nature. It's just a matter of tapping into that. In our innate humanity exists our desire to soar, tap into that and we're able to lift from our funk.

As I took my first breath of fresh air in a long while, I was immersed in an abstract energy that's still lingering around me. Maybe that's what's protecting me from becoming stagnant again. I've spent more time exploring what I want to do with my life, a tireless task and one that's become more and more mundane which is kinda self-defeating when you think about it. But this time I didn't delve "deeper" the way I normally do. My version of delving deeper is a formulaic approach of analyses that buries me deeper and deeper into facts, while separating me from an untapped passion that at best has simmered. I don't know if I was aware of that before, though.

I've been doing this same dance around job, career, a need for finance to survive in this society, etc etc. I'm tired of seeking jobs, not careers, because it leaves me unsatisfied. It's terrible for my self-esteem. And then I feel weak for so easily feeling inadequate over a job. Why am I that invested in it? But searching for careers is just discouraging as I'm ineligible for so many of them. And I can feel in my core that going to school isn't my path. I'm running out of time. I shouldn't be wasting it sitting in a classroom where I feel stifled and under stimulated. I know I'm missing a link.

I always tell people about how important it is to take the time to find your true passion, no matter how time consuming and discouraging it is. We either put forth the energy towards obtaining a life that we truly want or we wither away, merely existing. If you can't find what you're looking for or it doesn't exist, you have to create it. How is it that I express this powerful message with alarming results of epiphanies in others and it's only now I'm sensing its true power? Even though it came from me. I guess it's true what they say. You never really know your own light. It's hard to know yourself until you step back and take a look from the other side. Only then are you able to get a glimpse of what others see.

Sometimes all I need is a little exposure to open my mind. I realized that I'm going to overcome this stagnancy and protect myself from future attacks by searching for purpose through employment. No more weakening myself over the power of words like jobs and careers. That just leads down an overbearing path. By doing this, I'm open, receptive, and I look forward to this endeavor. It's been a long time since I've felt this way.

I've looked through cruise jobs and a few non-profits including teaching English as a second language. I'm hoping to obtain more knowledge towards non-profits. But I'll need some sort of income. I'd love to work with kids, do something educational, maybe start a community garden, be a youth group leader/coordinator, help build shelter, or counsel people.

Without the educational training or employment experience, compensation will be low. Then again, compensation in these fields are low anyways. Had I have gone to school, that extra cash flow would only be distributed to tuition loans. So I'd essentially have the same amount of play money as I do now based on my experience and background. Money is only prevalent in this society because it's required to sustain a living.

I'll need a roof over my head and hopefully these organizations can offer me that. Then I really won't need a lot of money. Food is of course also a factor. I imagine myself being in a community area where food will be shared by all, and I'll be more than happy to grow and cook for contribution. I really hope I find the resources, existing organizations, and the courage to proceed with this.

The idea of traveling to a foreign country for a long-term project away from friends and the familiar comforts of my life is not only unimaginable but paralyzing. Not paralyzing in a frightening sense but I sense no movement in it. Obviously movement will have to occur in order for this to take place. As much as I pride myself on being independent and exploring opportunities, this makes me hesitant. If someone gave me instructions on exactly how to do this, who to talk to, all the answers were provided for me, and I was told when to depart, I'm more inclined to follow. But as an adult, I'm expected to gather this information on my own. Without it, I'll be unable to proceed.

During which time I can procrastinate. I'm also afraid to let go. I've never really been the relationship girl before. I've also hardly met anyone I've been interested in. Maybe it's because finally I have or because I'm getting older, but if I leave this world to enter a different country, I reset my course of life as I know it. Will I separate myself from a potential mate? Will I be restarting the searching process? Will I become that woman who does great deeds with no love in her life? (I'd rather not fall prey to that Pisces fate). Or is this the path to find love? All these dizzying questions make me want to stay where I am and run into the arms of someone who can keep me warm at night. But that won't bring me PURPOSE THROUGH EMPLOYMENT AND THAT IS WHAT I SEEK!

Sabotage, Go Away!

I’m ashamed of my recent behavior. I spent the past few years improving myself. I allowed some negativity to seep away and welcomed positive acknowledgements of myself. I can say honestly that I believe I’m an attractive woman. Even with a petite figure, I consider myself sexy. I used to view sexiness as a sign of curves, which I believed I lack. I have smaller curves but small is still something and it fits my figure. Once I began recognizing these qualities in myself and embraced them, I began to both notice and attract others who saw it in me as well.

As I’m typing this out, I’m having an epiphany. I’ve made progress on a superficial level. Outer beauty only goes so far. There’s so much more to me than what the eye can see. In the past few years, I did more than see what was already there. I became a better person.

I've become empathetic, receptive, and able to help people. Others gravitate towards me and open up to me about their struggles. I offer them encouragement and support. I’m perceptive and personalize my approach uniquely to each individual. I realize the value of self-growth and change. Already aware of diversity and individuality, I know not to force my hand. I’m a dominant personality and have excellent people skills, so the truth is I can manipulate and coerce people to make rapid progress and improvements. But it isn’t the end result as much as the journey, the discoveries and lessons you learn along the way that truly matter. Keeping these things in mind, I make a positive difference in peoples’ lives.

It also allows me to be intuitively attuned, which is essential for me. It’s as much a benefit for me as it is for my friends. Altruism is also a new facet I’ve developed. Being intuitive has also made me more understanding, patient, and tolerant. Awareness really brings these qualities out of me. Impatience, I’ve discovered, is a result of imbalance. It’s a side effect. We have difficulty accepting that we can’t control everything. Intolerance comes from ignorance, a lack of understanding, limitation in exposure, and inexperience. Intuition allows me to understand things at a deeper level, making me patient and tolerant. The apparent struggles in my friends make me more considerate, thoughtful, and generous. I’m inspired to offer them some sort of comfort.

Please know that I’m not trying to roll out the I’m perfect carpet, but I want to bring some balance into my life. I’m so quick to criticize myself and yet I refrain from acknowledging positive qualities. I’m not being egotistical, conceited, or vain; I’m being open and honest. And this weekend has been a demonstration of how I need to embrace all of my positive qualities.

When you have low self-esteem, you’re more likely to reject love or any kind of affection. I’m now more receptive to the attention and idea of guys being attracted to me, but on an intimate level, I still keep myself at a distance. Any sign (I interpret) as his disinterest and I become unpleasant. I’m consumed with negativity and transparent self-criticism. I don’t verbalize them, not out of consideration for others, but because I can’t bear facing the idea of being rejected for being inadequate. Yet everything has energy. So what I’m not articulating is still being subliminally released.

The more abstract and intangible something is like feelings, the more fragile I become. Instead of being open, receptive, affectionate, comfortable, and genuine, I act in contradiction to what I want to keep me safe. I’m rigid in what I hear and glue myself to negativity, unwilling to release myself from it or face the possibility that people change their minds. There’s a guy I like who’s become more affectionate and I can feel his feelings for me deepening, but I remember him withdrawaling. This is a relationship guy who had me and began pulling away. I’m only left believing that it’s because he’s not interested anymore.

Something he said could’ve been interpreted in two different ways and of course I concluded and closed it off as the negative one. He was less intimate but wanted to spend more time with me. He became more affectionate and more open but then he all of a sudden withdrew. When we talked about it, he said he wanted to see me but didn’t want to hurt me and slow down because we were leading towards a relationship and he didn't want to move too quickly. I revealed to him that I thought he was losing interest in me and he said, “No, quite the opposite.”

One can argue that he’s beginning to like me and is taking things carefully. The opposing argument is that he’s withdrawaling because he doesn’t want to end up in a relationship with me and doesn’t want to hurt me. When I wanted to talk to him and call him, I didn’t. He usually makes the effort, so I thought his distance was a desire of his and I didn’t want to counter that with my presence. He thought that was nuts and said I should’ve called him.

When we were around each other, he was fairly affectionate but not as much as before. I suppose if I reciprocated, we could’ve reached that level again. Of course, I withdrew. People observed us sarcastically as the picture of happiness. I was unhappy and did everything I could to almost retain that feeling. I gave him some oranges and took only what I needed. He told me to leave one for him at my place, so he can eat it. It was a gesture that he was trying to warm me up to, but I ruthlessly rejected that orange. How insane is that?

I was snappy and my attitude infected him. I’m not excusing my behavior, but this is also around the same time a few of my friends were going through a hard time. I think I was channeling some of their emotions. Instead of detaching myself from them as I usually do, I felt too defeated to put in the effort that’s required to do just that. It affected my well-being, and I took it out on someone who didn’t deserve it. Now I feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to give him reasons to not want to be with me, despite what my self-sabotaging actions may suggest.

If every time we get close, I do something to make even the idea of spending time with me appealing, I’ll be securing a no relationship guarantee. That’s honestly not what I want. And how I’ve been behaving isn’t who I am. Of course, how am I supposed to convince him of that? He only knows what he sees. And once the damage is done, it’s done.

I criticized and obliterated my existing positive qualities. As I was developing new ones, it didn’t occur to me that I’ll once again destroy them harshly because that habit is imbedded in me. I thought I was so hard on myself before because I believed what my parents told me. I thought once I believed in myself that my behavior would change, but unfortunately that isn’t so.

Fortunately, however, I’m aware. No matter what happens with him, he’s already proven himself as a friend for life. Even if I ruin my chances at a romantic endeavor, I’ll always have what matters most - our friendship. I see girls being brutal to my friends and eventually it wears on them and they go their separate ways. My friends look back at those toxic experiences kind-heartedly saying that she’s a good person, but she’s too insecure and it was too much for me. No matter how awful they were to them, my friends always saw the good in them. I’m not nearly as horrible as them (not that it matters because it isn’t a comparison or competition), but I hope no matter what I do, my goodness will always triumph.

This plea is more about self-empowerment than it is about rejection because this is bigger than some guy. This is about my self-esteem. I need to be more secure in myself and know that I’m worth it. I need to be liberated from my emotional imprisonments. Not just for any guy who’s involved with me but for myself.

The Traveler's Spark?

The less I think of the idea of traveling (not that I've given it much conscious thought) and the more I resonate on the idea of it, the more intriguing and less frightening, impossible, and radical it becomes. Or maybe it's a new level of awareness I reached with a guy. There are two guys that I really like. One I've known for a few years now, and we've developed a deep connection with each other. But our undying habit of keeping each other at a distance hasn't allowed much growth in our relationship. With his financial troubles, he moved out of state and is now considering taking a job on a cruise. So he's not really around. There's another guy who I'm really beginning to really like, but I guess every situation has challenges to hurdle. Although I may be rash in interpreting hesitation, a natural reaction before something serious develops as defeat. But I want to stay focused on topic, though.

I have been feeling stagnant, but today I feel more lively, lighter. I found some writing inspiration and found a way to channel something I've been struggling with. It's titled "Dear Izzy" and I believe it's made a world of difference. I've also come to some realization about something. Sometimes I need to immerse myself fully in something, no matter how painful or negative it is and not let other factors tether me down. It's more devastating, but once I know what I'm dealing with, the better I can handle it and that's a necessary step to move forward. I felt imprisoned for the past three years, not able to let go and I'm no longer trying to force a separation. Honesty is the best medicine.

I just want to take this moment to appreciate the mood I'm in. As I entered the library as I've been doing for so long now as I do on a regular basis, I realized how stagnant I've been as I continue the same motions everyday. Then the idea of traveling became a welcome idea. :) I'm not sure it's something I want to jump into right away, but I like that I'm beginning more open to it. It's no longer this foreign, impossible lifestyle outside of my reach and potential.

Help Me to Find My Career, Universe

I've invested more than enough energy expressing my dissatisfaction with my recent employment status/record. I can't seem to retain a position but for only a brief amount of time. I'm beginning to appear like I have a retention problem. It makes me look bad and when a pattern develops, I can't deny the fact that I'm a factor in all of this. What am I doing to cause this?

Well there are a number of reasons I've observed - incompatability. Sometimes it's a result of inadequacy on my part for fulfilling the position, sometimes it's an unavoidable set of circumstances that led to employment termination on either party. Or maybe it was initially a short term arrangement. The interesting thing is I find myself more unmotivated and transparent, so when a job doesn't fit me well or isn't conducive to my self-growth, things occur to expedite what almost feels like an inevitable end to that job for me. I'll even become paralyzed with exhaustion. It's more than procrastination, but I'll find myself unable to move or sleeping through an alarm clock that goes off for an hour when I naturally wake up much earlier than that. Weird barriers begin to form.

I'm beginning to wonder if I made a vow in my past life or if my subconscious made a promise to the universe that's causing this, but I'm starting to feel like until I find a job that's conducive to my self-growth that

Becoming an Adult Part 2

Background: The first time I "became" an adult I was twelve. I know, I know. At twelve years old, I don't even qualify as a teenager. Puberty is a pre-introduction, so how could I have possibly become an adult at that age? Well I was faced with seemingly impossible decisions and made them myself. I realized and accepted the task that crappy choices are still choices. I certainly made mistakes, but I became accountable for my own actions. I had no one else to blame. I had to figure out where I'd stay for the night, how I'll get food, and basic life decisions that most adults make for children.

I started early. Most of my friends are older than me. I learned at an early age things most people struggle to discover as adults. But there's a correlation that people who mature or become adults at an early age are also underdeveloped in some major ways. In my case, emotionally. I'm afraid to pursue relationships, although that's arguably a fear even normal people experience.

Up until recently I never had an interest to drive which can be perceived as an adolescent approach. Children can't drive. Driving is considered an adult task. It means not relying on public transportation which is essentially a poor man's limousine where you rely on someone other than yourself to reach your destination.

You greatly minimize responsibilities such as insurance, car payments, purchase vs. leasing, incentive for good credit or consequence of poor credit, gas money, parking permits, having to make decisions that lead to or not lead to tickets, unexpected auto breakdowns, car accidents, etc. Sometimes the adult decision is to accept that you can't afford these additional expenses without going into debt, a practice too many people are quick to engage in. I, on the other hand, have been working since I was twelve years old had a generous lump of money saved up. Out of paranoia that I'd need to money, I didn't distribute it towards a car which I still don't regret to this day.

People who rely on vehicle become so crippled without one that it amazes me. They practically malfunction and are unable to perform even what children can accomplish. It seems virtually impossible for them to travel anywhere without one. That's just ridiculous, and I never wanted to become that person which I would've become if I began driving because I wouldn't have explored public transit. Plus with my flaring allergies, I couldn't afford a vehicle unless I went into debt. I loathe having an IOU over my head.

My lifestyle supported the absence of a car. I found it liberating to not be enslaved to auto-related finances. To make it work, I had to make some compromises, though. But life's about choosing decisions that suit you best. I lived in an area with reliable public transportation with necessities nearby - restaurants, convenience stores, supermarkets, dry cleaners, laundromats, school, banks, coffee houses, malls, movie theaters, hair salons, drugstores, doctors, hospitals, employment agencies, etc. I created a class schedule that allotted me time to travel to necessary destinations before they closed. I chose to work nearby the places I needed to travel to. It worked well for me. I've lived everywhere from the ghetto, luxury apartments, one bedroom lofts, apartments with swimming pools, in-laws, room rentals, and now a bachelor - a studio minus the kitchen.

I live right across the street from the train station, and it costs an arm and a leg to find parking. I'm surrounded by bars, clubs, and restaurants that never sleep. I live right next to a club, in fact, which despite what you may think, makes it safer because there are bouncers and overpriced valet parking swarming with security. It takes me an hour to get to work, a time frame I never minded as it gave me a chance to read and write on the bus. But this route requires my attention because the bus runs rather quickly. I take the rapid, so I have to pay attention. The extended commute time is no longer rewarding, beneficial, or productive.

Everyone used to hesitate teaching me how to drive or continue to assure me that they will as no lessons have been presented. I refuse to pay for lessons because I'm cheap like that. I recently had my first driving lesson by the first person who kept his word. Hopefully I'll continue to learn. At first I brushed off the notion of becoming a driver because it'll be too expensive to maintain. My rent is inexpensive but parking will raise the price. If I choose to move closer to work, the rent will be more expensive that I certainly won't be able to afford a car. And what if this new job doesn't work out? These are things to consider.

A friend wanted this job to give me an opportunity to get a car. I thought the consideration was sweet, but at the time it wasn't an interest of mine. I never minded the commute. But now that I'm getting older, I'm tiring more quickly. My memory is failing me. And my location requires me to go to multiple places to gather necessary purchases, all through the rapid bus which requires my attention so I don't miss my stop. No downtime to read, reflect, meditate, or write. It's time-consuming and exhausting. It's taxing my body and I find myself malnourished because I'm not interested in cooking. Nor do I feel like taking the effort to buy frozen food which is an extra trip. Then I find myself ordering food at work. I'm trapped in a perpetual cycle.

I can't see this circumstance changing for a while, but for the first time, I want a car. So I can run my errands efficiently and I'm willing to take on the financial responsibilities attached to it. That's huge. There's a company car I could use to run errands, work-related but still....

This could work out because I want to have my license for a while before getting a car. That way insurance payments will be less expensive, maybe not by a lot but less is still less. I'd be able to borrow my friends cars, a choice that doesn't exist at the moment. I could rent a car. It'll bring me closer to an efficient lifestyle. An hour long commute is no longer relaxing as it isolates me from people. It's not a place for my thoughts to flourish. It's just an inconvenience as my energy crashes at an earlier time. So this is part 2 of becoming an adult.

Channeling my Manifestation Powers

I have an influential energy, and I can have power over people. My aura reveals that I have an unusual ability to manifest my desires. My friend has this habit of saying I have a strong will, and it's true. When I realized what I wanted to do with my life, I began to attract people within the same field almost instantly. We're talking in a matter of a couple days. I went to the library and picked up a Nonprofit for Dummies book. Every time I opened that book, people approached me including a grant writer.

I discovered that when you discover your passion, your energy is intense and people sense it. There's this magnetic pull that people gravitate towards. But the problem is that without control and discernment, it's this catch all and can become a breeding ground likes flies that consume a surrounding space. When I really want something like a job, for instance, opportunities present itself. I find myself intuitively knowing which jobs aren't the most conducive to me, but it's always the easy stuff that comes along first. I make the mistake of immersing myself in the first chance I get which isn't ideal for me that I become distracted and the better suited opportunities escape me.

I never had to learn how to attract opportunities. If I want something enough, it presents itself. Lately I've become conscientious that I need to be more scrupulous in my opportunities. I could tell that it was going to take time to develop, and I wasn't even sure how to make it happen. Little by little, it's just naturally starting to happen. It's building, but I can tell it isn't complete yet. I'm trying not to be impatient, and it's easier than I thought it'd be. But I wonder when things will start falling into place.

I guess being a networker, I find myself attracting people conducive to my self-growth and it's with their assistance that I'll be able to grow and evolve. But I still have my reservations and uneasiness of taking advantage of their help, despite the irrefutable fact that that's why they were brought into my life and will be more than willing to aid me, because I feel like I'm using them. And I know I have to get over that because I don't mind when people ask for my help. So I'm attracting like energy. If I'm ever to grow, I need to get over myself.

This is probably one of my more vague entries, and I'm not really sure why, but I felt like this is something I should give attention to, even in its ambiguity. I have desires to grow, evolve, learn, manifest, create, and have lasting, ever changing experiences. I want to be selective and scrupulous. I want to surround myself with positive energy. I want good-natured people in my life, honest, humble, caring, generous, helpful, creative, ambitious, inspiring, and admirable. And I want my presence to have a beneficial impact in their lives, too.

Let the De-cluttering Process Begin!

Let me begin by expressing how grateful I am to find this time to blog. Like a broken record but none the less true, I haven't been able to blog and I can feel the strain of excess thought draining me. Quite a bit has weakened my energy, in fact, including my excess products I used to pride myself of. I was so proud to have accumulated a collection of furnishings at such a young age (entertainment center, home theater system tricked out with a kick ass HDTV, 5 DVD player and surround sound system, at least for my standards), bed platform, mattress, two small chests, a tall chest, two coffee tables, a 5-piece dining set, a gorgeous purple sofa, ballet bar, a computer table, and not to mention my infamously impressive kitchenware that'll be elaborated in a separate, vicious entry. But for now I want to focus on purging and channeling that refreshed feeling I got as I shed myself of things, so angering rants can be saved for later.

For most of my life I've been an "excessivist." I know that's not a real word, but I suspect any readers can gather a definition. It's someone who lives a lifestyle of excess, whether it be in addiction, material possession, whatever. I had a lot of things. I couldn't imagine ever willingly disposing of them because of who I used to be. The old me wouldn't have done it, but a series of experiences has altered my identity and with it came a new desire to purge myself of my past.

It's quite liberating in a powerfully subdued sort of way. We often hear the benefits of simplifying our lifestyles beginning with removing unnecessary clutter that splits our focus and burdens us with energy depletion. But more times than not when we hear those words of wisdom which require such a 360, it leaves us spiraling into an emotional panic, not unlike the emotional equilibrium we're being promised. If we can't even hear it, we're not ready to undergo such a change.

The truth is that if we grudgingly agreed to simplify our lives outside of our desires, perhaps as a result of outside influences, it isn't nearly as rewarding and can even result in resentment for what could feel like a coercion. And that's crazy because most people will probably forget about the things that are gone because it's too exhausting to stay angry about something we know we won't get back. And yet we cling to our material possessions, hopelessly, irrationally. And while it may seem like once our things are gone that there's room for positive change and growth, I don't believe we can maximize those results unless the desires are coming from within.

I've changed so much and as angry as I could be in the past, I'm not really like that anymore. However I can't always seem to let go of the anger that I felt in the past cuz it's still a part of me. I only feel how I felt then. I just don't relive it anymore. But when I'm reminded of it, the wisdom and emotional maturity that allows me to stay level-headed when I'm confronted with similar situations now doesn't seem to permeate my past.

My foster mom once bitched and bitched until I agreed to get rid of some things. I didn't want to. I wasn't ready to. When I think back at that moment, even now, I simmer with anger and sadness. She manipulated me into doing what she felt was best, while completely disregarding my feelings. How can people think it's okay to act selfishly out of consideration? It's an oxy moron and undermines a person. As a desperate act to silence her, I agreed to get rid of some things only to go downstairs in tears grabbing my first pair of ballet slippers now soiled by the trash mixed in.

At that point in my life, ballet was my only escape from my Hellish life. Throwing away the only physical evidence that comforted me was a personal attack to me. It was vicious, cruel, and spiteful. I know that wasn't her intent, but you never know the emotional attachment people have to things.

Yes, it is better to let things go. But what happens when you force yourself to get over someone or something when you aren't ready? When you put yourself in a situation you aren't properly prepared for? Adverse consequences can result. There's no right approach for everyone because each of us are so different. So it's important to listen to the person you're trying to help. And if it means waiting until they're ready, that's what should be done. I know many adults who I suspect will never allow themselves the de-cluttering process, and it's truly tragic. But the truth is that, as adults, it's their right to sustain a damaging lifestyle and it's not our place to thwart that.

Certain people have the power to vastly influence me to do things beyond my personal preference and it could've be exploited to ultimately better myself by forcing a premature de-cluttering process. I would've forgotten my things were gone. But I would've quickly replaced the missing pieces with new parts because I wouldn't have learned the lessons from that process. Or I would've moved on with life without ever fully experiencing the benefits of the purging process and I can't emphasize the immeasurable value of that.

At the mature age of 27, I began removing the material excesses of my life. I've started late last year and I haven't even come close to completing this project. I don't feel rushed to get it done, though, because I want to savor each moment of gratitude I experience as they come along. Some days I rapidly dispose and sometimes I'll go weeks until I'm ready to tackle a therapeutic but still very draining process.

I feel rejuvenated by this de-cluttering process which is such a cathartic experience, and I've been hungering to express it. But now that I have the opportunity, I find myself pleasantly blocked from being able to convey it in words. I've come to appreciate when I'm unable to articulate meaningful things because it makes them more special. Not everything has to be explained. All I know is how I feel.

I feel like I'm slowly being released from this form of prison I enslaved myself to. I'm learning to let go as my vision expands far beyond the horizon. I feel lighter in essence. Liberated. But in an intense sort of way. Sometimes it's great to feel powerfully liberated when the concentration of energy is just as intense as the toxicity I experienced. But right now I appreciate the subtle effects of this because I'm not overwhelmed. I'm able to absorb the benefits. I'm in the present because this positive change is progressing slowly. I'm more aware. As a result, I'm not frightened so I'm receptive. I don't need to take a break and regroup as much.

It's flowing energy of change. Instead of being this thrashing waterfall, I'm this stream of river. I find waterfalls to be more attractive and people tend to gravitate towards it more. It's bigger, bolder, flashier. But rivers travel to more places, quietly and flowingly, and touches so much more than the waterfall.

What a Spiritual Experience

After a brief moment of mild depression characterized by emotional detachment, a sense of emptiness and indifference with a strong absence of motivation, I had to face the daunting possibility that this emotional numbness can quite possibly be or lead to depression, something I would've never suspected. A little while after I noticed this, it still took some time for me to "snap out of it." Fortunately, this was in the early stages.

I put a conscious effort to be positive and found myself attracting new people with a strong spiritual presence and reuniting with some conscientious souls I'm grateful to know. The timing is undeniably meaningful for me. My aura is predominantly purple and it reveals that I have an unusual ability to manifest my desires, and recently it's proven to be true.

*I wasn't able to write this when I was first compelled to and while this presence of spiritual growth still burns inside of me, its evolved. I wish I was able to freely write then because I'm at a loss for words, but maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's a sign that the experiences are beginning to resonate within me. Spirituality is powerful and more real than our five senses, but it's intangible and even ambiguous at times. I feel like over explaining is out of sync to true spirituality.

I was recently speaking to a friend of mine who's perspective has expanded since our last encounter. He's very philosophical and inquisitive, but he wasn't always spiritually curious and now I see him making a conscious effort to connect to it the way I attempted to years ago. I believe he wants to believe but is unable to. However, in time, I'm confident he'll become more receptive as I became and come closer to what he's seeking. He approached the matter in the same way I did, the way he understands the world, logically. And just as I've realized, his subconscious is beginning to unfold a fact many spiritual souls already know, that you can't intellectualize something so profound and outside the realms of the brain. But it's not something you can explain or teach someone; it's an experience someone has to have.

It was great to see him because he was my neighbor and I went from seeing him regularly to remembering him when he updates his facebook. But hanging out with him wasn't an estranged experience at all. He's still my friend I know and remember but with new dimensions. And while I haven't felt like the new and confused student, I've been surrounded by people who are far more spiritually-evolved than I am and I often carry the mindset that I want to grow and evolve that spending time with him made me realize how much I actually have grown and evolved. I experienced a moment of quiet appreciation.

I gave a close friend advice and he asked me if I went to Moontribe, a spiritual gathering that I was unable to attend because he sensed a spiritual growth in me from the last time we talked which was no more than a week and a half ago. And I'm attracting more spiritual energy than I have before. I look forward to where it leads me.

The Universe Whispers to Me, Days 155, 156, 157, 158. 159, 160, 161, 162

Have you ever felt like your walls were closing in on you from all different directions, as though the universe is trying to gently guide you towards a better path? It's this subtle but powerful and increasingly undeniable feeling that I can't properly articulate but feel so strongly. It's not the same feeling that you don't belong somewhere. It's different. The truth is that I've made a life where I am, and I can probably continue to maintain it. But more than likely it isn't favorable for my soul and emotional growth.

I think that's what the universe is whispering to me except I believe that the universe doesn't have language. It speaks to us but not with words. Slight breezes passing by in opposition to where we're heading. The scent of freshness when new discoveries are near. The sweetness that cloaks us when we experience a hint, even a taste of what that life could be like for us if we just take the chance. The fire that sparks in us when we're closer to our dreams than we fully realize. How the heat warms our skin and makes our hair stand on ends. The way water rises beneath us and we feel the excitement of new opportunities thrashing around us, while the ground secures us in place. To know that we're going down the right path.

That's what it's been like lately, but I also know that I haven't lived it yet. I just feel it surrounding me, so close that I can touch it. And it's my intent to make the right decisions, allowing my intuition to lead me so that I can reach that destination. In some areas of my life, I can feel it stronger than others. Then there are other areas of my life where I know it's best to carve a new life somewhere else, but I don't feel this powerful connection to it like I do in other aspects of my life such as my home situation.

I know it's best for me to move on. I guess I just got comfortable in the crap situation I'm in because I've developed tolerance. I used to easily move and accept the burdens that came with it because it came more naturally to me than coexisting in filth, tension, unlawful behavior, and anything else I've ever really endured. I thought I was a strong person then, but as it turns out, I was led by my ability to manage my stress. That part hasn't changed, but the direction shifted.

I don't look forward to the inconveniences of moving, but it's become undeniable that I must move on. I chose to be in the living room so that I can keep the window open at night when I suffer from indoor allergies. If I take the room and my roommate has a complaint about it, it'd be unfair of me to keep it open. What if she gets sick and does poorly in school or can't attend work? These are factors to consider. I made a thoughtful decision when I chose to stay where I am.

I understand that the living room is a shared space. It's a reality I can't deny. But now that there's a futon in there, my roommate's made it a habit to sleep there at night because she misses how she used to be able to sleep in any room she desired when she lived with her mom. And when she's in the living room, she closes the window. That aggravates my allergy, and it's unfair that my allergies suddenly become an "inconvenience" because of a circumstance I didn't create. She has her own room. Why doesn't she sleep in there? It's one thing to use it as a functioning living room, but it's another reason to also turn it into your bedroom and interfere with my allergies.

Her actions are perceived as innocuous and in some ways, they are. But it obstructs my purposes in the process. I chose to stay in the living room because of the advantage it offered over my allergies. If those concerns aren't met, then there's no logical justification for staying at a complex where the assigned landlord's behavior borders under legal stalking and harassment for rent that isn't even due yet. Not to mention my once-friend neighbor who threatened me and stalked my former roommate. I cant' even enjoy natural lighting entering my living room because I want to avoid my landlord. It defines and puts limitations on what I do by choice but choices I shouldn't be burdened with.

***I'm still writing, but I accidentally hit publish. More to come.***

The situation with the living room turned into a bedroom with allergic reactions is a rather unique circumstance, but everything else is your garden variety roommate issues like the dirty dishes piling up and the hypocritical behavior over it. For me, though, it's the maturity level that's more of an indicator that I've gotten all that I can from here and it's time to move somewhere else. I can sit here all I want and express how frustrating it is (and I will), but more than anything, it's one of the universe's signs. That's the lesson I should leave with. That's why the experience happened for me, and how I want to remember it as.

Both sinks get completely filled with dirty dishes and right now it's caused by one roommate! How long does a person go without doing the dishes to get that bad? If she uses that many dishes, she's certainly the kitchen often enough to clean it! Some of it is ridiculously easy to clean, too, like a bowl of cereal that can be rinsed off with a swipe of a pre-soaped up dish sponge.

I get it. I've been there. And sometimes I return there. But it's not where I am now, and it's not the environment I feel I should be in especially since it's become more than just unpleasant. The real concern is that I've learned to tolerate and adapt to it, but with each increment of undeserved tolerance and patience I build, I'm slammed with another challenge to break down the walls. I know I can keep building, but I shouldn't have to.

I spend anywhere from 10-15, sometimes 20 minutes clearly out a sink just so I can use it to prepare and cook meals, as well as search for necessary dishes, utensils, whatever. I shouldn't have to incorporate extra time like that. It's such an inconvenience. So to make the space more functional, I cleared up the sink by lining our windowsill with dishes. Of course, it's unattractive and displays how slovenly the kitchen is, but I need space!!! I'm not going to clean after your mess! And I need to eat.

Given the circumstance, what do you expect me to do? My roommate had the audacity to ask me if I could return the dishes back into the sink once I'm finished using the sink. Are you fucking kidding me? So you're honestly asking me if I'd be willing to return things to their designated cluttered order so every time I need to access the sink, I'd have to shell it out again? What the Hell is that? I couldn't wrap my head around what she was asking me. You won't take the time to clean it, but you expect me to invest more than I already do to accommodate you? Oh Hell no!!!! Read your own damn note that says in red:

KITCHEN RULES:

• wash dishes immediately

• If trash is full, TAKE IT OUT

• clean/wipe down the following after use:

-stove -sink

-counter tops -dining table

Let's keep the kitchen clean!

-THANK U!

We're all hypocrites, and I've developed an unhealthy tolerance to it, but now she's fucking asking me to help her sustain her mess her way that consumes more of my time? No. That doesn't work for me. The kitchen is cluttered with stuff.

My place here was essentially an undefined spot to begin with, and that's starting to get stripped away from me. What do I really have left here? Talking to a friend of mine who's had some encounters with her, observed her, and is really perceptive and astute has given me clarity, as well. I realized how much I don't belong here. I knew that for a while, but something with the energy shifted. I no longer belong at the place where no one belongs.

He sees her as spoiled, which is still a little difficult to wrap around my head but in a way it makes sense. My bigotry limits my perception, but it makes so much sense. Just because you've had to share your space with everyone doesn't mean you're immune to common prey. She told me once that out of respect I should get permission before inviting anyone over. What the fuck? She never asks anyone before inviting her boyfriend over. She expresses disapproval when others make a mess, but she tolerates her own to the same degree and sometimes worse. She's bothered when she has to open the door for others but has been asking to be let in because she's too tired to look for her own keys.

These are all small and understandable things we all do, but my friend brought it to my attention that she's spoiled in a different way than I'm used to. That's why she has these expectations. A mature adult would realize that her requests are unreasonable and not carry that mentality. True. I guess I was just so shocked because she seems more mature than me.

My friend observed that when she gets upset, she overcompensates for her lower maturity level by appearing higher than she is, while my maturity level drops lower than it actually is when I get upset. They're all illusions. At the end of the day, it's just not an environment I want to be in. She's a great person and I love her. She's like a sister to me, but the truth is that we're no longer compatible as roommates. A lot of things don't fit anymore where I am.

I feel like it's best for everyone for me to move on. My roommates want to request his wife to take over landlord responsibilities, but she's more professional and is more than likely to evict me because of how tense the situation is. All it takes is a legally-formatted eviction notice. They deal with the consequences of me living here just as much. They get harassed about me. My roommate's car window got broken into to steal an iPod. Obnoxious parties with people getting seizures from doing weed, shrooms, ecstasy, acid, and drinks have been absent for a little bit, but it's just a matter of time.

This place is convenient for someone just getting started because it creates a template of tolerance. It's right across the street from school and affordable. But I don't go to school right now. It doesn't agree with my lifestyle. And my life is finally going in a direction where I can leave this place.

I got a new job. Those who are in training with me realize what a challenge it is, but it's worth it. No matter how difficult it is for me and how likely it is or isn't that I make it through the program, I'm there right now and that's what counts. I got selected and haven't gotten eliminated for a reason. I have a real chance at this. And WHEN I make it, I'll be in a position to move out. Sure, financially, I'll be making more and spending more, so I'll level off. But I can't continue on this way. I can feel the universe whispering this to me...