Vertigo in the Midst of a Hurricane

I have a friend who means so much to me that it kills me to see him suffer. After a series of irrational and pointless arguments I'm sad to admit I've been a part of cuz it certainly wasn't a one-sided argument, I began opening my eyes to what the problem is. I don't mean to come off pretentious, despite the pretentious aura, but it's not me. When others are angry, while external forces play a role, it's deeply rooted in the angered individual.

Anger only survives in us when an imbalance and susceptibility for it is present within us. When I stopped reacting and stopped taking offense to the attacks, my perception expanded. I saw what was beyond the surface. I stopped being a part of the problem long enough to see it's not necessary to defend myself because when I do, I give power to the toxic energy and that only makes me susceptible to reciprocate.

I've been struggling in my own way with this. I've yo-yoed through a series of feelings and positions. I empathize for his suffering cuz despite my vehement position that it's self-inflicted, pain is still pain and knows no discrimination. I remember suffering the way he is. I haven't forgotten how difficult it is to let go, to feel helpless, drowning in what felt like the cause and source of my happiness, frustration, resentment, and anger, unable to separate myself from every negative energy I could possibly be linked to and even more harder in some ways continue to proceed with all that weight and burden. I didn't know how to stop. Slowing down and taking a break was perceived as a form of weakness. Even though I desperately needed a break, I refused to allow myself of such a thing. And in some ways it was even harder that I could keep going this way cuz it was discouraging. If I can keep going like this and nothing seemed to change around me, my environment, my life, my actions, my surroundings, my annoyances, people, then how can it ever get any better?

And if I never thought it could get better, I didn't want to put in the work towards improvement I didn't believe I'd ever meet. So I self-destructively sustained and perpetuated the problem, which not only changed nothing but exacerbated existing issues, as well as invite new burdens into my life. I paradoxically both knew and didn't know that I did everything I could to suspend myself in the state I was in, but I manifested even more damage into my life cuz the intensity of my rage was so powerful and subliminal that I was attracting more of it. With my own limited awareness, as well as the input of others, I was aware of my unhelpfulness and uncooperation in the matter. But I also didn't see what was going on, and that's why I was like that.

I still don't know how I got past it. I've read of the struggle and of how things got better when it was overcome, but there never seems to be much detail in the how-to. The transition between Hell to better is invisible. I went through it. I wrote about it. I still write about it. And yet I can't string together the transition, the thread that led me out of that darkness.

If anything, surviving it makes me susceptible to being intolerant to my friend's difficulty especially since it is self-inflicted! My friend's much like me a nervous person prone to stress if he's not careful. But I don't react the way he does under fire. He's asked me more than once how I've learned to not struggle the way he does. I'm sure I frustrated him with my answer which was that I couldn't really tell him. Each situation is unique and we're different people. Even if I could explain how I overcame it, it wouldn't help him. That's what I told him. The details beyond this sentence were thoughts in my mind that I kept to myself. This is something he needs to deal with internally. My source of knowledge would merely be external references for him, an insubstantial measure. The answer I gave him was a calculated one, however honest it was. But my thought to his question was that I grew up and stopped reacting like an adolescent.

You're pissed cuz you have fines. You earned them when you turned on a no u-turn sign, drove past a red light, exceeded the speed limit, parked where you weren't supposed to, or neglected to move your car when you should have. By saving at most 3 minutes (and that's a generous time line), you got a ticket cuz you turned when you shouldn't, an easily avoidable act. You take the same route weekly and are familiar with the neighborhoods you drive through. These are conscientious choices on your part. And it's not like he was running late and had any reason or motivation to rush.

You get caught, while others get away with it. It's true, that's unfair. I'm not disagreeing with that. So then what? You wanna keep focusing on how it's fucking unfair or do you want to make YOUR situation better by making the necessary and easy adjustments? If you know what you're doing wrong and how that's the cause of your problem but continue to do it, then you're responsible for it. Other people are on the road just like you. Other people take the same route to work just like you. But not everyone is getting fined just like you cuz their actions are different from yours.

Instead of recognizing and accepting where the fault lies, which means he has to face his own self-criticism cuz he's unable to examine things objectively and without judgment, he blames the government and meter maids. Sure, our system's flawed. Meter maids want you to screw up, and our system is created in a way that our government profits from our mistakes rather than investing in responsible drivers. The citizens are the ones at a disadvantage at the end. But that still doesn't change how you're creating the problem for yourself as a conscientious driver knowledgeable of the law and rules.

There's no flaw in my logic, and he knows it whether I express it or not. It's obvious! That also adds to his frustration cuz HE keeps fucking up. He's upset with himself. And it's understandable. But nothing will get better if nothing changes. Knowing this he still continues to sabotage himself and then he finds himself over burdened and desperate to unload.

Sometimes you just wanna lash out cuz when you're filled with negativity, it has to be released. No matter how irrational a person's being, it's important to give them room to boil over so they can normalize. But there's a fine line between releasing the hostility and allowing it room to grow by feeding into it every time you express it. This has been building inside of him for a solid year now. A fucking year of bitching by an adult who sets his behavior up for this exact consequence. Seeing how his complaints and repercussions are the same, he's aware of the mistakes that it causes. So WHAT...THE....FUCK....

Things have gotten so bad for him that everything's an escalation from what it actually is. He let things get out of hand, and he's struggling to resume control. As a result, minor details enrage him as if it's 500% percent worse than it actually is. He's ashamed of his reaction and blames others for it cuz he believes it's triggered by the actions of others. So not only does he get livid when something he considers unacceptable occurs, but he's raging with anger whenever there's a disagreement and by disagreement I mean even minor, minor details. It's frightening how emotionally hostile he gets over matters that are so dismissive.

Wall art
Washing the dishes
Opening the blinds

He has this green wall shelf decoration. It's a huge box with boxes within it. It's decorative. You can place stuff on it, whatever you'd like really. It was temporarily sitting below the kitchen island when he first received it. They're both a shade of green and the color complimented each other well. I said I liked where it was placed. I know that wasn't meant to be there or will be there permanently, but I was just commenting on the unique placement. I'm weird. I like weird stuff. I mean, who puts a large boxy wall shelf below a kitchen island in the hallway area sitting on top of a carpet? Yes, it's odd and would be very misplaced. But is it so severe that it should be the cause of yelling and being condescending and rude and disrespectful? Fuck no!

I swear all I said is I like where you put it. He said it's not going to stay there, that it's supposed to be on the wall. I said I know, but I like where it is. It's different. He repeated himself and now in retrospect he expressed it with frustration and a mild tinge of hostility that it's supposed to be on the wall. I still said I liked it cuz it's unique.

It's as if he got upset cuz my belief was a disruption against what's supposed to be, and he has so little tolerance for things that aren't the way they're supposed to be cuz he's unhappy with his life and how he feels it's not the way it's supposed to be. I wish I had that epiphany while the argument was taking place. I would've invested far less energy into it. Since the conversation was so harmless in my eyes, I didn't realize the hostility that rose from what I poured into, my thoughts... I mean who would've thought it would lead to its ultimate destination?

So after I said it's unique, he yelled at me that it was stupid. What about a coffee table on the wall and an upside down couch? That's unique. It's different. And no one's doing it. Then he reminds me that no one does it cuz it's not supposed to be like that and it's stupid! Over reaction much? That should've been my response. That's it. I shouldn't have bothered to take offense over something so trivial and stupid. But I did. I got upset. I was hurt. I mean really devastated not by the words but the emotional hostility, disrespectful, and rudeness that carried those other powerless words.

A culmination of reactions like those made me face the undeniable reality that it's a lot less about me and more about him. I really doubt I was responsible for his actions cuz perhaps I was being rude, condescending, and disrespectful in some way outside of that brief conversation that stirred a hostility in him that could no longer be contained. And even if I did, he invented the walled coffee table and upside couch cuz a pointless, irrelevant hypothetical situation was able to so easily anger him. How is that on me?

He admitted to me that his friend pisses him off cuz he wakes up in the afternoon. He said it judgmentally about how he's unproductive and gets nothing done cuz the morning is when people should wake up. He and his friend aren't in business together. He's not losing profit. It's not interfering with them hanging out. When they're together, they enjoy each other's company. His friend's sleep pattern isn't disrupting his sleep pattern. He's in such a heightened state of anger, hostility, and criticism that he's conditioned to effortlessly identify things he disapproves of and lashes out at it relentlessly, even when those things have no direct impact on his life.

When his DVD player didn't operate correctly, he literally had a meltdown. I mean, screaming, the heavy panting breathing, and just flipping out. It was freaky. Not being able to find parking was so stressful for him that he began sweating profusely, he got clammy, and it got so bad that he got vertigo and incredibly pale and weak. His hands looked lifeless and he had little energy to move his arms. He could barely keep his eyes open. When he forced them open, they opened very slowly and his eyelids looked like they were weighing down heavily.

His actions leave me unsympathetic and pitiless towards him. But when it manifests into physical concerns, I worry. I mean, I really worry. Since I can emotionally detach myself and have learned to not get contaminated by his negativity, I have no desire to abandon him. He stressed himself out so badly that he got a fever and he recovered surprisingly quickly. A full day of resting made a world of difference. But he got angry when I asked him if he wanted to sleep on his bed.

I know some people take offense to stuff like that however well-intentioned it is cuz they perceive it as condescending or treating someone as weak. If I show that I care about you and you take it negatively, that's not my fault. With that said, I ask cuz I want my friends to feel better. If such a question will only exacerbate the situation, I'll keep my mouth shut. I can care about someone in silence. But in this case he wasn't mad at me; he was mad at what it represented, that he's sick. His anger didn't last, though, as he could barely stand. I accompanied him on a two hour ride which should've totaled to four hours but actually lasted six hours cuz I was afraid that his fever would relapse. He was barely able to keep his head straight just hours before.

I can't tell someone like him to not go for a drive. It'll only anger the rebellion, which is likely to weaken him. I had to ask him to take me to Robeks as a favor to me when I wanted him to get some nourishment. He admitted to me that it helped and gave him a boost of energy. He said it was easier to move. If you could barely keep your fucking head up and your body feels weak, why the fuck would you be behind the wheel?

I'm glad he's safe, and I don't regret ensuring that. Every so often, I told him I wanted to stop and pee. He would get annoyed, but each time I felt like his focus was shifting was when I made these requests and it always ended with him saying I made a good judgment. It's frightening to think of what could've happened if I wasn't there cuz I've seen him struggle going up three flights of stairs. He'd walk like a drunk person and be completely sober. But I'd rather he not be like this.

I'd rather he return to the positive and happy person he used to be. I wish he'd face the difficulty he's trying so hard to ignore as a way to overcome it. I wish he'd stop focusing on small details and see the big picture cuz it takes time even after realizing the big picture to shift our moods that have solidified in negativity. I wish he'd stop being a victim to fixed beliefs that productivity should dominate and step away from engaging in inefficient tasks and meditate where he used to. I wish every time he has an opportunity to get upset and complain about the cause, he chooses to do somethign else, anything else. Listen to good music. Think up three positive things to say. It sounds cheesy, but he has to change his habits.

Being negative has become a conscious, subconscious, and unconscious habit. It's become a toxic lifestyle. To change it, he has to actively engage in positive thinking. His brain probably hasn't released happy chemicals in so long that he has to alert them and entertain them before they become operational again.

I wish he would realize how important he is and make himself a priority. Yes, the clutter in his apartment is stressing him out but if twenty minutes of trying to clean it up leaves him angry for six hours, then he needs to take a break rather than try and push through it. It may not seem productive to go to the beach for a day and do nothing cuz he'll have nothing measurable to show for it, but sometimes the most valuable things are immeasurable. I wish he would realize that.

I won't abandon him right now as long as I can stay positive through all of this, but I don't want to have to be disciplined and focused to stay anchored. I'd much rather be doing something else rather than babysitting an adult from himself. I know he didn't ask for me to turn him into my responsibility and I know it sounds incredibly condescending. But I'm not exaggerating when I say he could drive off and get into a car accident. Something has to change cuz if it doesn't, I won't be here. Right now he's continuing down a road deeper and much darker. I won't be able to stay above the negativity for much longer and when I run out of breath, I'm going to go on survival mode and he'll be alienated. I care about him, but I refuse to go down with the ship.

I Have to Find MY Shoe Size

The more I try to fit into a world I don't belong in, the more I'll be lost and unsettled. I may not look forward to the seemingly endless search and what a relief it'd be to have found the end, but no amount of desire will make something into something it isn't. Substitutions don't work. I don't belong here. And I want to belong. So I have to find a place where I will...Sigh

I Don't Know When I'll See You

Here’s an example of my insecurities running rampant. I spend most of my time with this guy I’m seeing. It’s also become routine. I don’t mean that in a boring, predictable way but seeing each other is no longer something we plan; it’s something we do naturally. When he has to leave for work, he confirms if I’m staying at his place and asks me if I want him to pick something up. He’s comfortable with me at his place. He calls me everyday and we keep in touch.

Not much has suggested that we’ll part ways any time soon, and yet the simple sentence “I don’t know when I’ll see you,” has filled me with insecurities. He wanted to give me some food, but I wanted to go to the library and didn’t feel like lugging it around. So he offered to hold onto it for me.

I texted him when the library was closed simply to share. I wasn’t trying to hunt for a ride or anything especially since he was probably long gone from my area, but he immediately calls me back to let me know he’ll come and pick me up. That way I can take the food with me. He says, “I don’t know when I’ll see you.” Is it that much of a mystery? We see each other so often that I would’ve assumed I’d get the food not long after.

Usually I’ll make it a point to address questionable statements like this, but after a considerable amount of time, I FINALLY learned that it doesn’t go over very well. No one likes being presented with that. If I’m looking too into it, the recipient takes offense. If there’s truth to it and I recognize it immediately, the recipient becomes unnerved which makes perfect sense. When you’re trying to eliminate someone out of your life, it’s probably because you want to create some sort of distance. An extensive conversation is unwelcomed. And more than likely, it won’t appease me.

I did notice that statement right away, but I didn’t investigate it. I wonder if it’s because deep down inside I knew I didn’t want to know the answer, that I’m not ready to hear the truth. Could it be that I’m finally learning to not indulge in my insecurities? As much as I wish that were true, it seems unrealistic. Whatever the truth may be, only time will tell. No amount of obsessing over a mere seven words will reveal the truth only time can present.

I can be incredibly single-minded. It’s the end of the year. Instead of partying, he works and makes loads of money. He usually calls me after he gets off work, but I’ve practically been living at his place now. And a few times we fell asleep on his incredibly tiny couch, both of us. The next evening he said that he wants to go to sleep but if I want to watch TV that he’ll chill with me. We’ve only spent a couple hours resting on the bed. I imagine work was more brutal than normal, too.

Those reasons make it more than understandable why he may not have called. On the opposite end of the argument, it’s never kept him from calling before. Then again, these reasons don’t have to exist for him to not call. Things happen. It’s a waste of time and energy for me to get this worked up. I tried to ignore my concerns, but it just made it worse. I tend to tell people to address their insecurities, in order to eliminate them. That’s what I’m trying to do here. I want to put it into perspective.

It could’ve been a pre-meditative statement or it could’ve simply meant he genuinely doesn’t know when he’ll be able to see me. He doesn’t want it to take up room at his place. The truth is if it was pre-meditative, then it’s over. The last thing I should be doing is giving attention to something that’s been terminated. If I’m making a big deal out of nothing, that’s even worse because there’s no validity behind my obsession.

Instead of feeling better, I’m actually getting that nervous feeling. That weird, unpleasant sensation below my skin. Last time I felt that way I thought a guy wasn’t interested in being a relationship with me, which was untrue. Obviously that situation is different, but I want to remind myself that things aren’t always what I think they are. Thinking of it gave me a sense of relief.

The message I want to leave myself with is that I can’t change my train of thought over night. It takes time, but I want to change them. So when these negative thought patterns develop, I shouldn’t ignore them because then they’ll never leave. But addressing them shouldn’t become a tactic to engage! It should be to rid myself of them. And sometimes that means accepting that I won’t know no matter how desperate I am to uncover the truth, and no amount of obsessing will change this reality. Also, obsessing won’t bring me closer to the truth. I really should be more productive with my thoughts, time, and efforts.

Getting Tired of this Bullshit!

Okay, I've had it! I'm tired of being emo! I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my depressing entries. I'm tired of exhausting myself emotionally and spiritually cuz I'm too fucked up in the head. Time for a major deep emotional cleanse cuz I can't, I REFUSE, to keep going on like this.

All my pains and fears are real and not to pull the childhood card but understandable. I ran away from home at 12, bounced around in foster homes and group homes. I've never really been a part of a loving home or environment and the one I was exposed to, I mostly hid away from. Those are explanations, but they shouldn't be what keeps drowning me. I try to stay away from the water, but I keep walking into it cuz I'm terrified about what's out there on land. Then I panic as I drown. Well what the fuck do I expect? I put myself in these situations.

I want to be happy. I found someone who makes me happy. Yes, I'm scared. I've been burned in the past. So I what burn him before he tries to burn me when he's given me no indication that he will burn me? That makes my defensive maneuvers just malicious and paranoid. When I go further deep into my thoughts, I know I'm not doing this cuz I'm scared he'll burn me; I'm terrified that he won't. It's a universal fear, so I'm not alone in it. I'm not crazy for experiencing it, but I'm tired.

This is just like when I gave up on my adolescent anger and violence cuz as an adult, it required too much energy to maintain it. As Head Cashier at Walgreens, the impatience of a customer led to cops being called. Extreme much? Now I've handled escalated calls and manage irate people and molding them into gentler beings. That's an unbelievable transformation! I have to do the same with this.

Yes, it's depressing how I got motivated. Fear of losing someone. My actions are still rarely triggered through self desire and more from external sources, but that's another issue. I'm not going to delay this recovery process by weighing myself down with other issues I have. Not cuz I'm in denial but cuz I'm focused and determined to overcome this.

I'm always going to trust people who don't deserve it throughout my life. That can't be a reason to hide myself away. I have to be strong enough to be willing to put myself in a vulnerable situation. I used to think I could never get over the pain, but that's obviously not true. Now I'm just terrified of it more cuz I know what I'm in for IF that happens. This fear has to be put down cuz I'm becoming vindictive in sustaining my sense of security.

I have no reasons to distrust you, so I slowly find myself warming up to you which is the precursor to vulnerability. So I fabricate reasons to distrust you by punishing you for being honest and distorting the truth to keep my fears alive. These two entities can co-exist within me. I either open myself up or I shut myself down. I can't keep fluctuating between the two. For one thing, I'm going to malfunction. Of course, each force wants to sustain its existence and is powerful. But one has to die and I want it to be my dark side.

I want to be happy. I want to treat him the way he deserves to be treated. My friends appreciate me for being intuitive, insightful, supportive, and inspiration. He likes me. He finds me fun, interesting, caring, smart, kind, good-hearted but he also thinks I'm a bit selfish, bratty, childish, and uncompassionate. These are my old qualities that haven't completely died off, but I've been resurrecting them against him to keep me from getting hurt emotionally. These qualities I've been expressing aren't actually a true reflection of who I am. I hope it's not too late and I have the opportunity to show him who I truly am. He's sensed it and that's why he likes me. I want him to know that side of me.

I'm tired of hurting him. I'm tired of the recycled apologies. If I thought I was going to hurt him again, I would've let this go once and for all. But I can do this!!!

It sounds insane and forced, but desperate measures! Our subconscious thoughts are echoes of our conscious minds, and we don't even know what our subconscious thoughts are until our conscious minds allow them to surface. Sometimes we don't even get any insight, though. If someone's a really amazing person and you have to repeat it, it'll make you question if it's really true. Like why are you trying so hard to be so convincing? But that's a generalized belief. Everything is too personal. Besides I don't want a general perception to keep me from moving forward.

For self-love to grow, I have to feed myself with self-love. It requires a lot of attention and support. I have to be reminded cuz I'm forgetful and my negativity will beat down every positive attributes I include into a space that was once only occupied by malicious thoughts. So I have to constantly give myself flowers and a lot of them cuz many will be sacrificed in the battle. Gives flower power a whole new meaning.....

And it's not just me. If I'm turning someone into an enemy and distort reality so convincingly, I have to use the truth to clear my senses. Why the fuck would I get mad at someone for falling asleep when he's tired cuz I wanted to spend time with him? If he was just a friend, I wouldn't resent him for it. I'd cover him with a blanket and be quiet or move to an insulated spot, so he can rest without distraction. But I interpreted his exhaustion as a rejection cuz if it were true, then I can leave and abandon my fears of facing these things. I wish I wasn't so fucked up in the head.

I hope it's not too late. But more importantly, I'm learning from this. It shouldn't have gotten to this point, but I'm going to turn poison into medicine!

The Traveler's Spark?

The less I think of the idea of traveling (not that I've given it much conscious thought) and the more I resonate on the idea of it, the more intriguing and less frightening, impossible, and radical it becomes. Or maybe it's a new level of awareness I reached with a guy. There are two guys that I really like. One I've known for a few years now, and we've developed a deep connection with each other. But our undying habit of keeping each other at a distance hasn't allowed much growth in our relationship. With his financial troubles, he moved out of state and is now considering taking a job on a cruise. So he's not really around. There's another guy who I'm really beginning to really like, but I guess every situation has challenges to hurdle. Although I may be rash in interpreting hesitation, a natural reaction before something serious develops as defeat. But I want to stay focused on topic, though.

I have been feeling stagnant, but today I feel more lively, lighter. I found some writing inspiration and found a way to channel something I've been struggling with. It's titled "Dear Izzy" and I believe it's made a world of difference. I've also come to some realization about something. Sometimes I need to immerse myself fully in something, no matter how painful or negative it is and not let other factors tether me down. It's more devastating, but once I know what I'm dealing with, the better I can handle it and that's a necessary step to move forward. I felt imprisoned for the past three years, not able to let go and I'm no longer trying to force a separation. Honesty is the best medicine.

I just want to take this moment to appreciate the mood I'm in. As I entered the library as I've been doing for so long now as I do on a regular basis, I realized how stagnant I've been as I continue the same motions everyday. Then the idea of traveling became a welcome idea. :) I'm not sure it's something I want to jump into right away, but I like that I'm beginning more open to it. It's no longer this foreign, impossible lifestyle outside of my reach and potential.

Let the De-cluttering Process Begin!

Let me begin by expressing how grateful I am to find this time to blog. Like a broken record but none the less true, I haven't been able to blog and I can feel the strain of excess thought draining me. Quite a bit has weakened my energy, in fact, including my excess products I used to pride myself of. I was so proud to have accumulated a collection of furnishings at such a young age (entertainment center, home theater system tricked out with a kick ass HDTV, 5 DVD player and surround sound system, at least for my standards), bed platform, mattress, two small chests, a tall chest, two coffee tables, a 5-piece dining set, a gorgeous purple sofa, ballet bar, a computer table, and not to mention my infamously impressive kitchenware that'll be elaborated in a separate, vicious entry. But for now I want to focus on purging and channeling that refreshed feeling I got as I shed myself of things, so angering rants can be saved for later.

For most of my life I've been an "excessivist." I know that's not a real word, but I suspect any readers can gather a definition. It's someone who lives a lifestyle of excess, whether it be in addiction, material possession, whatever. I had a lot of things. I couldn't imagine ever willingly disposing of them because of who I used to be. The old me wouldn't have done it, but a series of experiences has altered my identity and with it came a new desire to purge myself of my past.

It's quite liberating in a powerfully subdued sort of way. We often hear the benefits of simplifying our lifestyles beginning with removing unnecessary clutter that splits our focus and burdens us with energy depletion. But more times than not when we hear those words of wisdom which require such a 360, it leaves us spiraling into an emotional panic, not unlike the emotional equilibrium we're being promised. If we can't even hear it, we're not ready to undergo such a change.

The truth is that if we grudgingly agreed to simplify our lives outside of our desires, perhaps as a result of outside influences, it isn't nearly as rewarding and can even result in resentment for what could feel like a coercion. And that's crazy because most people will probably forget about the things that are gone because it's too exhausting to stay angry about something we know we won't get back. And yet we cling to our material possessions, hopelessly, irrationally. And while it may seem like once our things are gone that there's room for positive change and growth, I don't believe we can maximize those results unless the desires are coming from within.

I've changed so much and as angry as I could be in the past, I'm not really like that anymore. However I can't always seem to let go of the anger that I felt in the past cuz it's still a part of me. I only feel how I felt then. I just don't relive it anymore. But when I'm reminded of it, the wisdom and emotional maturity that allows me to stay level-headed when I'm confronted with similar situations now doesn't seem to permeate my past.

My foster mom once bitched and bitched until I agreed to get rid of some things. I didn't want to. I wasn't ready to. When I think back at that moment, even now, I simmer with anger and sadness. She manipulated me into doing what she felt was best, while completely disregarding my feelings. How can people think it's okay to act selfishly out of consideration? It's an oxy moron and undermines a person. As a desperate act to silence her, I agreed to get rid of some things only to go downstairs in tears grabbing my first pair of ballet slippers now soiled by the trash mixed in.

At that point in my life, ballet was my only escape from my Hellish life. Throwing away the only physical evidence that comforted me was a personal attack to me. It was vicious, cruel, and spiteful. I know that wasn't her intent, but you never know the emotional attachment people have to things.

Yes, it is better to let things go. But what happens when you force yourself to get over someone or something when you aren't ready? When you put yourself in a situation you aren't properly prepared for? Adverse consequences can result. There's no right approach for everyone because each of us are so different. So it's important to listen to the person you're trying to help. And if it means waiting until they're ready, that's what should be done. I know many adults who I suspect will never allow themselves the de-cluttering process, and it's truly tragic. But the truth is that, as adults, it's their right to sustain a damaging lifestyle and it's not our place to thwart that.

Certain people have the power to vastly influence me to do things beyond my personal preference and it could've be exploited to ultimately better myself by forcing a premature de-cluttering process. I would've forgotten my things were gone. But I would've quickly replaced the missing pieces with new parts because I wouldn't have learned the lessons from that process. Or I would've moved on with life without ever fully experiencing the benefits of the purging process and I can't emphasize the immeasurable value of that.

At the mature age of 27, I began removing the material excesses of my life. I've started late last year and I haven't even come close to completing this project. I don't feel rushed to get it done, though, because I want to savor each moment of gratitude I experience as they come along. Some days I rapidly dispose and sometimes I'll go weeks until I'm ready to tackle a therapeutic but still very draining process.

I feel rejuvenated by this de-cluttering process which is such a cathartic experience, and I've been hungering to express it. But now that I have the opportunity, I find myself pleasantly blocked from being able to convey it in words. I've come to appreciate when I'm unable to articulate meaningful things because it makes them more special. Not everything has to be explained. All I know is how I feel.

I feel like I'm slowly being released from this form of prison I enslaved myself to. I'm learning to let go as my vision expands far beyond the horizon. I feel lighter in essence. Liberated. But in an intense sort of way. Sometimes it's great to feel powerfully liberated when the concentration of energy is just as intense as the toxicity I experienced. But right now I appreciate the subtle effects of this because I'm not overwhelmed. I'm able to absorb the benefits. I'm in the present because this positive change is progressing slowly. I'm more aware. As a result, I'm not frightened so I'm receptive. I don't need to take a break and regroup as much.

It's flowing energy of change. Instead of being this thrashing waterfall, I'm this stream of river. I find waterfalls to be more attractive and people tend to gravitate towards it more. It's bigger, bolder, flashier. But rivers travel to more places, quietly and flowingly, and touches so much more than the waterfall.

I Want to Create Colorful Memories :)

I know I've been neglectful blogging, but I've been busy procrastinating unpacking, recovering from an injury, then a cold, becoming re-acquainted with my OCD....you know that kind of stuff. But I'm doing great. There are finally no more boxes at my place, just small amounts of clutter that have to be designated and organized. If only that would be the end, though...I have like six more boxes stored in my friends garage I have to rummage through. And I have two small chests and an air mattress. And a whole bunch of pretty purple decoratives but no real furniture! So alas I'll have to bed a new bed platform and a mattress because as grateful as I am that my friend gave me his air mattress, it deflates every couple of days!



I've been feeling uncertain about something that deep down I was too afraid to admit I knew the answer to and I finally got the clarity I needed. I wish so many barriers didn't exist in virtually every aspect of my life, but I'm just glad things are going well. I feel like I have to work on my template to enjoy my new life, which is a struggle but definitely the right direction! I guess it all depends on perspective. Part of me felt discouraged because of the unexpected road blocks but that's life. And I'm beginning to realize that it isn't the flashing neon obstructions that matter but the subtleties in life many of us forget to embrace. I want to create colorful memories!

Colorful memories is meaningful to me at the moment, but I want to create overall colorful memories, too! I want to decorate my walls. I want to explore my creativity, an unpracticed habit. I want to make my own space, create my little oasis, and find harmony in my world, something I've never had before and it's something I feel could honestly happen. But in order for that to happen I have to get to work on time. If I screw up even once before April of next year, I lose my job! Why am I always walking on a jump rope?

*Didn't have time to edit this so if it's all garbled up, that's why!