Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach???

Fluctuate freely. A friend of mine sent those words to me recently in an email and it filled me with a sense of warm comfort and quiet relief. He isn't one of those people who don't have goals in life or a career path, either. He's just receptive to change and what the universe offers as it comes along, unpredictably, fluctuatingly, and everything in between. I need to remind myself of this cuz a small part of me is hesitating to get excited about this since I have a habit of becoming a hostage to inspiration only to release myself, unmoved not long after.

I have a long list of great ideas that others could truly manifest and maybe if I were a Type A personality I'd be able to do it, but I don't have the drive. I'm selective in what I want and do put my energy into. I gravitate towards writing, food, nutrition, and holistic health. A Certified Holistic Nutrition Coach can be the answer I'm looking for.

It fits my interest and timeline. I can be a stellar student, but I tend to start strong. I do best in short-term consolidated classes where people burn out, rather than a lengthier schedule. Plus tuition is expensive. The longer I'm in class, the more it's costing me. Not to mention that that's time I'm not earning money, and I still have expenses.

And the unfortunate truth of the matter is I'm terrible at math in a debilitating sort of way, educationally speaking. Don't get me wrong; I can do basic calculations in my head or by hand. But I can't even pass a stupid pre-algebra class. We're talking pre-requisites! The only reason why I graduated middle school is cuz I was advanced into geometry and trigonometry which I excelled in. I know that sounds cooky but my principal clarified it for me. Algebra is technically easier, but it's also more abstract whereas the more advanced math is more formulaic. That made it easier for me to understand. However in college you have to pass the pre-requisites which I haven't been able to do. I've been referred by multiple math professors to get tested if I have a math disorder. I don't.... But there's some question about why I'm not performing well cuz I demonstrate comprehension by explaining it back. Regardless of the uncovered mystery that's causing this, I no longer want this to be a reason why I can't find a career.

I have a friend who's intuition I've learned to trust and he's told me on a number of occasions that I should do something with nutrition and holistic health. It's not that I disagreed with him, but educationally it didn't seem feasible until now. I have other career ambitions that relate to this and can potentially expand further! I'm no longer considered with the end result cuz that's undetermined. I don't want the unknown future to discourage me off this path.

Making Improvements

I don’t feel like I have a lot of news to offer. My life hasn’t been moving in the direction or speed I’d like (whatever that direction may be). But I’m making improvements in my life. Steps so small that perhaps they aren’t noteworthy if a standard existed. Not that it matters because I’d ignore such a guideline anyways.

I’m no longer being a destructive force ready to annihilate the only person I’ve ever met that I want to be in a relationship with for real and present reasons. I still find myself being unreasonably insecure by his joking words. Even when I’m tempted to brush them off and flaunt a positive attitude, I find myself becoming smaller. But at least its effects are visible to me now. I can fight what I can sense but a silent force that eats away at me is a different story. So that’s progress…

I’ve stepped back and realize the damage I’ve caused. It’s keeping me cautious, conscientious, considerate, and more thoughtful than I’ve been in a while. I’m ashamed at realizing how negligent I’ve become at being a good person. I feel like I took a hiatus on being considerate and thoughtful. Returning back to that state requires assimilation, and that’s rather unsettling. But again at least it’s happening.

I wish I could celebrate more in my life, but unfortunately there’s very little going on in my life right now. It’s embarrassing to become the girl who’s lost herself in a sea of emotions triggered by a guy and her own insecurities. When you wake from such a nightmare, you find other aspects of your life to be in ruins. I can’t revive what’s dead. I can remove the carcasses to make room for new life and create an ambiance that’ll promote new energy.

Before I get ahead of myself and begin working on those aspects, though, I have to give attention to the very few remaining livelihood left in my life. And that’s why I’m changing my attitude. I don’t want him to suffer through the hellish me again. More importantly, I don’t want to be that person anymore.

I’m not certain how the transformation is supposed to take effect. I do know that my unacceptable behavior was a negative reaction to my insecurities. I have to strengthen myself emotionally and mentally. Whether I act out of line again or not, the cause is the problem and has to be eradicated or transformed into a more powerful and positive source because I refuse to have that presence continue to exist within me. It’s an unwelcome energy that’s made itself a guest within my conscious.

Our thoughts become echoes of our subconscious. The problem is we don’t know what our subconscious thoughts are until IT decides to make itself known to our conscious mind. Only then are we included in what’s going on within ourselves because we have off limits inside ourselves. Talk about helplessness. By the time it’s become known to us, it’s too late. Whatever thoughts we’ve carried over the years have taken root in us. That’s why it’s so important to be careful what energy we attract and keep in our lives.

To kill something off and replace it with something better, you have to starve what you want to remove. Make it weak, so it can die. Feed what you want to exist and survive with the nutrients it needs to flourish. So in this case, I want to rid myself of the insecurities that have plagued me.

It takes a surprising amount of discipline, focus, and conscientiousness. I have to recognize what’s strengthening it, which is difficult to do because I’m untrained at recognizing its allies. Once I uncover these culprits, I have to find ways of eliminating it out of my life. Sometimes that’s a real challenge. Now this only applies to the enemies that are present now.

Threats exist and arise everywhere. I have to ignore them but through recognizing them or else it’ll re-enter into my life undetected. Sometimes it’s just a matter of changing my own behavior. When someone makes a seemingly harmless joke like how they’re embarrassed to be around me, I have to paralyze my auto-reflex of almost instantly feeling inferior. It’s like trying to stop myself from free falling when there’s nothing I can attach myself to. Most times I’m not even aware it’s happening, so I’m unable to protect myself against a danger I don’t suspect or see. Other times it’s happening so quick that even with my awareness, it’s already begun and I don’t know how to stop it.

It’s discouraging when I can’t even see what I’m supposed to stop and even when I do, I’m not quick enough. My failure gives validity to my insecurity, telling me that this is why I feel the way I feel because I really am not good enough. I can’t even help myself. That kind of attention distorts reality. I feel so inadequate that I get consumed in it, not making myself receptive to other facts like how virtually everyone fails at something repeatedly before they succeed and it’s actually a building process for success. Without it, success can’t occur. Another word for it is practice.

I’m not going to feel good overnight. But I like to say smile through the bullshit because if you wait until bullshit leaves your life, you’ll only frown until death greets you and takes hostage of you. Or I say smile through the tears because manifestation is a powerful tool. When I’m crying and I’m upset, I hate it. I loathe it. I want to be happy. I want to smile and feel good again. But as long as I’m crying, that can’t happen. If I wait for the tears to pass, I’ll waste so much time. So instead I smile and force the sadness out of me. I give myself reasons to be happy. Why can’t I follow that same philosophy for my insecurities?

Killing things off isn’t unfamiliar territory. While my experience lies in annihilating positive qualities, all I have to do is change my target. Death of negativity is great and all, but there’s a problem when all that’s left is just death. Death of positive qualities, death of negative qualities. Some form of life has to exist for balance. I’ve recently discovered this because once I got rid of negative energy, I found myself depleted and weak because I didn’t replace it with something nourishing. I still forget to feed myself in positive ways. But at least now I want I should.

When I go deeper within myself, I can hear myself whispering lies of how I’m not good enough. If I have to tell myself negative things for those thoughts to stay alive, I have to say positive things to myself so they’ll stay alive. The process in sustaining an energy life force isn’t what’s flawed. What I’m choosing to keep alive is.

I remember believing that if I’m truly a worthy person, I don’t have to tell myself that because saying it doesn’t make it true. Being worthy is what makes it true. But the truth is we get distracted and sometimes we forget. So the reminders are necessary. Negative thoughts have to recycle in our minds in order to survive; we just aren’t aware of it because it’s occurring in our subconscious.

So as lame as it may sound, I’m going to greet myself in the morning and evening saying nice things to myself, just as I do for the people in my life. If they’re good enough to hear positive things from me, I’m good enough too! I have this fear of going stale and just going through the motions. Even before I’ve begun the process, I’m already complaining and indulging in my fears. Not good! But I’ve listened to my concerns, so I’ll be guarding myself against stagnation. Although it’ll be a while before it becomes routine because it’ll take time to believe what I’m telling myself.

I’m an attractive woman, but beauty is skin deep. I’m also a beautiful person on the inside. No, inner beauty isn’t reserved for the physically unattractive. Inner beauty doesn’t discriminate. What makes me beautiful is my friendliness, caring nature, consideration, thoughtful, interesting personality, intelligence, insightfulness, fun spirit, intuition, desire and ability to help people, my altruistic nature, communication skills, talent as a writer, quality of friendship I offer, my open-mindedness, receptiveness, unique qualities, independence, curious mind, good-heart, honesty, flexibility in my life, resilience to life’s chaos, inner strength, opinionated thoughts, great ideas, inspirational influence, supportive and encouraging qualities, empathetic nature, charm, ability to make friends easily, attract people into my life, the presence of spark I bring out of people, the impact I have in peoples’ life, the smiles and laughter I spread to the people around me, the insights I offer them, the reasons they open up to me, and a myriad of other qualities I’ve yet to mention or even discover.

I help formulate my friends’ goals and aspirations. I make it easier for them to deal with their struggles. My smile has the ability to warm someone’s heart. I’m caring and loving. I’m a valuable friend. I would make a great significant other in someone’s life. I’m affectionate. I give personalized attention. I’m encouraging and supportive. I’d make a good mom because I’m full of ideas and want to share experiences. I have a lot to offer. I’m not any less deserving than anyone else. J

I have a lot more to work on. When I began outlining this entry in my mind, I imagined it to be much briefer. But I’m pleased with the new life that was born through this entry. My spark of confidence and self-esteem boost.

Getting Tired of this Bullshit!

Okay, I've had it! I'm tired of being emo! I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my depressing entries. I'm tired of exhausting myself emotionally and spiritually cuz I'm too fucked up in the head. Time for a major deep emotional cleanse cuz I can't, I REFUSE, to keep going on like this.

All my pains and fears are real and not to pull the childhood card but understandable. I ran away from home at 12, bounced around in foster homes and group homes. I've never really been a part of a loving home or environment and the one I was exposed to, I mostly hid away from. Those are explanations, but they shouldn't be what keeps drowning me. I try to stay away from the water, but I keep walking into it cuz I'm terrified about what's out there on land. Then I panic as I drown. Well what the fuck do I expect? I put myself in these situations.

I want to be happy. I found someone who makes me happy. Yes, I'm scared. I've been burned in the past. So I what burn him before he tries to burn me when he's given me no indication that he will burn me? That makes my defensive maneuvers just malicious and paranoid. When I go further deep into my thoughts, I know I'm not doing this cuz I'm scared he'll burn me; I'm terrified that he won't. It's a universal fear, so I'm not alone in it. I'm not crazy for experiencing it, but I'm tired.

This is just like when I gave up on my adolescent anger and violence cuz as an adult, it required too much energy to maintain it. As Head Cashier at Walgreens, the impatience of a customer led to cops being called. Extreme much? Now I've handled escalated calls and manage irate people and molding them into gentler beings. That's an unbelievable transformation! I have to do the same with this.

Yes, it's depressing how I got motivated. Fear of losing someone. My actions are still rarely triggered through self desire and more from external sources, but that's another issue. I'm not going to delay this recovery process by weighing myself down with other issues I have. Not cuz I'm in denial but cuz I'm focused and determined to overcome this.

I'm always going to trust people who don't deserve it throughout my life. That can't be a reason to hide myself away. I have to be strong enough to be willing to put myself in a vulnerable situation. I used to think I could never get over the pain, but that's obviously not true. Now I'm just terrified of it more cuz I know what I'm in for IF that happens. This fear has to be put down cuz I'm becoming vindictive in sustaining my sense of security.

I have no reasons to distrust you, so I slowly find myself warming up to you which is the precursor to vulnerability. So I fabricate reasons to distrust you by punishing you for being honest and distorting the truth to keep my fears alive. These two entities can co-exist within me. I either open myself up or I shut myself down. I can't keep fluctuating between the two. For one thing, I'm going to malfunction. Of course, each force wants to sustain its existence and is powerful. But one has to die and I want it to be my dark side.

I want to be happy. I want to treat him the way he deserves to be treated. My friends appreciate me for being intuitive, insightful, supportive, and inspiration. He likes me. He finds me fun, interesting, caring, smart, kind, good-hearted but he also thinks I'm a bit selfish, bratty, childish, and uncompassionate. These are my old qualities that haven't completely died off, but I've been resurrecting them against him to keep me from getting hurt emotionally. These qualities I've been expressing aren't actually a true reflection of who I am. I hope it's not too late and I have the opportunity to show him who I truly am. He's sensed it and that's why he likes me. I want him to know that side of me.

I'm tired of hurting him. I'm tired of the recycled apologies. If I thought I was going to hurt him again, I would've let this go once and for all. But I can do this!!!

It sounds insane and forced, but desperate measures! Our subconscious thoughts are echoes of our conscious minds, and we don't even know what our subconscious thoughts are until our conscious minds allow them to surface. Sometimes we don't even get any insight, though. If someone's a really amazing person and you have to repeat it, it'll make you question if it's really true. Like why are you trying so hard to be so convincing? But that's a generalized belief. Everything is too personal. Besides I don't want a general perception to keep me from moving forward.

For self-love to grow, I have to feed myself with self-love. It requires a lot of attention and support. I have to be reminded cuz I'm forgetful and my negativity will beat down every positive attributes I include into a space that was once only occupied by malicious thoughts. So I have to constantly give myself flowers and a lot of them cuz many will be sacrificed in the battle. Gives flower power a whole new meaning.....

And it's not just me. If I'm turning someone into an enemy and distort reality so convincingly, I have to use the truth to clear my senses. Why the fuck would I get mad at someone for falling asleep when he's tired cuz I wanted to spend time with him? If he was just a friend, I wouldn't resent him for it. I'd cover him with a blanket and be quiet or move to an insulated spot, so he can rest without distraction. But I interpreted his exhaustion as a rejection cuz if it were true, then I can leave and abandon my fears of facing these things. I wish I wasn't so fucked up in the head.

I hope it's not too late. But more importantly, I'm learning from this. It shouldn't have gotten to this point, but I'm going to turn poison into medicine!

No Longer a Public Warning

I was recently fired from a Fortune 500 company job with a lot of perks, my co-workers were a pleasure to be around, I lost a friend, and was threatened a restraining order as an attempt to keep me away from select places I enjoy (not because I was actually stalking someone). Yet all of these changes have left me feeling relieved, hopeful, receptive to the opportunities that are now open to me, and provided me with the peace of mind, clarity, and emotional balance or rightness so to speak that was lacking in the previous circumstance. When your intuition whispers to you that you belong somewhere else, explore the possibility. I found myself rationalizing my benefit of where I was as if I needed the reassurance. Every time I encounter this, some form of sabotage separates me from the path I'm on.

If I'm to break this destructive cycle, I have to create an unknown, unexplored path for a different outcome. Today I auditioned to be an extra and was told that I'm to call back tomorrow to see if I get the part. The woman said I have her vote. I won't know what'll come of it, and this isn't my dream career. But I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone and finally testing boundaries I've always been drawn to. This is a huge step.

I was asked by a good friend to do my astrological chart and I discovered that right now there's something in the stars that's making me particularly emotional, withdrawn, and depressed. I definitely sense it. Instead of embracing my emotional intensity, I've been trying to suppress it, ignore it, and choke through it as I go about my day. Not really knowing what's going on. Now that I do, my awareness is keeping me centered. I feel what's around me and as a result, I'm detaching myself so I can keep my ground. Knowledge is power.

The audition was for a part that's emotionally empowering and raw, so my state of mind was an asset. It's made me realize that we aren't always where we want to be in life, in our careers, with our friends, our relationships, our financial situations, physical health, or emotional well-being. But we are where we are. We can't force change. If we want something to be different, we have to work towards it. That takes time. The transition can be frustrating. We can help ourselves along the way by involving ourselves into a craft that matches where we are at the moment, making our curent situation a value.

Before this perspective I felt like I should be walking around with a public warning for my emotionally-fragile state. But I'm no longer a public warning. :)

It's My Turn!

I'm not saying I'm not selfish or inconsiderate, but I spend so much time caring and showing concern for my friends. I invest so much time and energy supporting and encouraging them to be conducive for their self-growth, even at my own expense. I exhaust myself in the process. I even remove myself from the equation when I think it'll help them in succeeding their goals because I serve as a distraction.

It devastates me to see my friends suffer. But when I suffer, I don't notice it and I'm used to it. I'm now 27 and I'm still single. I come off so adamant, dominant, and confident. I'm expressive, so people don't realize how much I hold back. I vocalize superficial stuff like I want to eat here, I think this, my opinion on this is this.... things that won't burden them if I impose my preferences over theirs. When it comes to revealing a part of myself that terrifies me and can lead to my happiness, I hide in the shadows behind excuses and sometimes even twisting other peoples' words so I can stay hidden and unexposed. Sometimes to be happy, though, I have to express myself.

John Mayer's Say

Take all of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration

Take all your so called problems...

Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say

It's better to say too much

Than never say what you need to say

I'm finally beginning to understand that. Hesitating cuz someone might not want to hear it or might not be receptive, a possibility I can neither confirm or deny only keeps me behind. It's time I step up. I believe that the energy we give off is the energy we attract. The clearer we are to the universe, the more likely it is to reciprocate and assist us in our goals and desires. I need to start articulating especially the things I fear the most. Yes, it's possible I could say the wrong thing and ruin everything. But mistakes offer the most valuable lessons. I'm tired of learning, but clearly I still have a lot to learn.

And what if I don't make a mistake? There's always that possibility. I can't predict outcomes, so basing my decisions on potential sabotage consequence isn't worth it. I always hesitate out of fear I'll mess something up and I haven't gotten very close to what I want. So obviously I need to take a new approach.

Life is So Fragile and I Don't Want to be the Drowning Man

I'm not particularly a religious person. I'm spiritual, though. I believe that when the universe wants to me to go down the most conducive path for my success and spiritual growth, it becomes apparent especially when I try to resist it for whatever reason. I also know that I have a powerful energy and strong will; I have the ability to manifest my desires when I focus.

I need a job. I've been needing one for a while. I've been lucky enough so far to make rent, but living on temp gigs that may or may not approach is so risky. Since I'm not working and it's summertime, I've been going to a bunch of pool parties where my friend's friends seem to have reputable jobs with some extent of authority. They work for the city or state. Nowadays, it's all about networking and who you know. No matter how qualified you are for a job, if no one looks at your resume, you'll never even be considered. Accepting their help to get my foot in the door sounds great, but I don't like the idea that these guys are offering me assistance as they stare at me in a bikini. That's an understandable resistance, but it's my pride interfering with an opportunity to have steady income. So on the opposing end, that doesn't sound particularly logical to refuse, either.

I didn't decide to budge because I'm getting desperate financially because if that were the case, I would've skipped through the whole stubborn melodrama cuz eventually I was going to hit an inevitable financial plateau. Then what? I resort to what could've helped sooner? Well, that's dumb. But I went camping this past weekend and there's something enlightening about being close to nature.

As much of a free thinker as I'd like to think I am, I haven't escaped social conditionings and perceived notions. Pride clouds my judgment or is at least a factor. There's always going to be opposing thoughts and reasons to hesitate with virtually anything I do. So at the end it boils down to what is worth pursuing and what isn't based on my desires, priorities, and such. In nature where I'm free and I don't have to put up a barrier where I have to defend my validity because I'm a girl, the things that matter the most becomes most audible. I NEED A JOB!!!

And when I'm not too busy being prideful, I'm able to observe that many opportunities like these keep presenting themselves. It made me think of a Christian reference of a man who was drowning and refused to be rescued, insisting that God will save him. After many attempts to save him were unsuccessful and he dies, he asks God why he wasn't saved. God said I sent you rescuers, but you denied them every time! I don't want to be that drowning man.

Maybe this isn't the most ideal way for me to get a job according to my notions of what's considered acceptable and isn't which is subjective to begin with, but when is life ever ideal? My friend's daughter has been fighting cancer for years now, and recently she passed away. Do you think she would've opposed assistance to obtain an opportunity that's much needed? Probably not. A teenager was shot in San Francisco by police, and there's an outrage going on about that, even though death happens all around us. Another friend lost someone in his life. Another, her grandmother. Life is so fragile. I don't want to waste the time I have here over trivial matters.

I'm nearing my 30's as a high school dropout and I have no college degree. As with many things in my life, there are reasons but none of which truly matter cuz while the stories are interesting and outrageous, the truth is it doesn't change the circumstance. I believe there's more than one way to succeed in life, and it isn't through education. I have to find the path that's right for me cuz the universe seems to constantly re-direct me away from sitting inside of a classroom and steering me more towards the battlefield, exposed and right in the middle of it all. I guess I'm gutsy enough to hang. Sometimes, though, I wish I could use a break but whatever, things can be worse.

I'm not ready for a serious relationship cuz I can't even get a job and my biological clock is ticking. Not that I'm really tripping off of that now because regardless of my age and my body, I have desires separate from those factors. But the problem is that I'm so behind in my own life that I have to work harder and faster to catch up, so WHEN I'm ready, not when my age or society tells me I should be, I want everything else in my life to be more or less developed so I can pursue my desires.

A Lil About Me

Here is a list of some of my thoughts, opinions, and perspective. Basically some things that make me me. :)

1. There are givers and takers in the world. I'm a giver/taker hybrid. I think it's the best combination and I'm not just saying that because it's the category I fall under. Givers have takers in their lives. It's the balance of the universe. Givers enjoy giving. Takers enjoy taking. The problem with this is that givers deplete of energy emotionally (and spiritually). And they don't take from others to replenish. Takers don't reciprocate by nature.

As a giver, I understand how satisfying giving is. But as a taker, I understand the value of having balance. I don't experience the guilt many takers feel when they need something from someone or somewhere else. I know that by taking, I'm able to harmonize myself and continue to give. As a giver I know how draining it can be, so I try my best to not overtake.

Of course, I fail. But I've finally become the kind of person I would want to be friends with. That's a huge step for me. And I feel like I can finally celebrate who I am because I spent most of my life being one or the other, never combining both elements. That imbalance caused a lot of internal conflict that polluted my life and interaction with others. I'm finally starting to get it right.

2. I'm not a racist, sexist, or homophobe. If you're any or all of these things, I don't respect you. I may not know this about you or have developed a friendship with you before I discovered this, in which case I'm unable to just stop caring about you and I may be civil towards you but know that you have lost my respect.

Don't get me wrong. I believe there are cultural truths to certain stereotypes and acknowledging them reveals to me that you have basic observational skills and can recognize correlations. I also don't mind racist jokes. I think they can be hilarious. Sure, maybe that's callous and in poor taste but I'm thick-skinned, so it doesn't bother me. It's when you judge an entire group of people without taking the time to get to know people do I have a problem.

As a diverse and dynamic person, I know how different people can be. Some people are going to fit into a stereotype. Some people outside of their own racial stereotype will fit into another. Some people won't fit into a stereotype. Everyone's different. Only through experience and open-mindedness can we truly evolve and grow. If you live a life that deliberately stifles that, I'm not interested in that kind of negativity and bigotry.

I grew up in a culture where females are considered inferior, and I loathe that. Women's purpose is to give birth, cook, clean, and essentially support men, so they can strive. But what I never understood is if women are so inferior and we're tasked to do things children can learn which means it isn't impossibly difficult that many Japanese men seem completely incapable of, how are you superior to us? It's a stupid logic, really. And how can men identify themselves as superior when you've never really been challenged by women? It's like a forfeit win. Do you really consider yourself a true winner?

We're all victims of social conditioning, but even as a child I had an unusually high tolerance towards it. I questioned everything and rejected notions I now as an adult understand why I rejected. I got a lot of grief growing up over it. I have no regrets about the position I took and the consequences I had to endure for standing firm in my beliefs. It's shaped me into who I am. Don't ever fucking tell me I'm less than you cuz I'm a woman. Fuck you!

I grew up in San Francisco. I've always been independent and a free thinker. No one could ever convince me of something without my consent, no matter how adamant the opposing force is. You don't like the idea of homosexuality. That's fine. I don't like it, but I believe everyone's entitled to their own opinions. What I do have a problem with, however is when people try to impose their beliefs onto others when the actions of others are of no harm to you.

On a purely selfish level, trying to suppress homosexuality can have a consequence on us. I sure as Hell don't want to end up with a closet gay. Do you? I'm not into the whole gay thing. I love dick. So guess what? I'm not gay! Easy solution. But the opposite position exists. It should've never become such a widespread debate in the first place, but since it has become one, it's a scientific fact that homosexuals exist! Let them be!

3. I'm Japanese-Korean, first born daughter of two very traditional Japanese parents. The ideal Japanese daughter, the ideal Japanese woman is traditional, passive, submissive, domesticated, feminine, and compliant. I'm independent, dominant, aggressive, a free thinker, unconventional, and daring. I question everything and test my boundaries. I'm more abrasive than I am gentle and meek. I'm certainly an acquired task.

I had a difficult childhood as a result, but both worlds presented to me had pain and difficulty laced through it. If I try to stomach what's unnatural to me and disagree with, it eats away at me. If I express who I am, I'm rejected and brutalized for it. But I had a sense of pride and relief, however momentary it was, by being myself. So that's what I chose, and I have no regrets. The pain that came with that decision eventually went away as I became more thick-skinned and comfortable in my beliefs, independent of others. As an adult, I'm finally appreciated for it. :) It's an exhilarating and comforting feeling that I wouldn't change for the world.

4. Most of my friends are guys. I'm not very close with my family, so my friends mean the world to me. I could never be with a guy who won't accept that. It's understandable to be jealous or insecure. That's human nature. I won't blame you for how you feel. I can however blame you for your actions. If you dare give me an ultimatum, you'll lose, baby. A huge part of who I am is because of my friends, and I'm finally proud of who I am. I'm an independent person who prides herself on her individuality. To strip my friends away is like stripping away at my identity. You can't fucking rip apart a person and just tear away at the qualities you don't like about them. Then stretch out the qualities you do like and stitch them back together. That's beyond unacceptable.

5. I'm not really the dating kind of girl. I think guys sense that because guys who want to date tend to keep their distance from me. I haven't really had too many of those the guy picks you up, buys you flowers, takes you to a restaurant, and pays for your meal. I usually know the guys I get involved with, so either he comes over and I make dinner for us or he makes us dinner at his place. I don't really like the idea of the traditional date because you sit down and go through a series of standardized questions that you can honestly uncover through each other's fb. How insightful is that really going to be?

Life happens when you're unprepared and spontaneous. That's also when people expose them for who they really are, whereas dating is a socially-acceptable diversion from getting to truly know each other and prolongs the facade. When a guy tries to be impressive and impresses me, that's a cause and effect. It correlates. I wanna get to the nitty gritty center to see if we get along for who we really are. It's not the positive that tears people apart. The negative qualities are the make or break it deals.

When you're in that dating mode, you're conveying this one-sided version of you which is distorted. I don't want to get used to that illusion. And it's such a waste of time if after all that you discover you hate each other when you reveal to each other your true selves. I'm not for it. Gee, I wonder why I'm single.... But at least I'm honest and real. So I'm at peace with myself. That's more than what I can say for others, so ha!

I just think there are ways to get to know a person without such confinements. It's hard for me to find someone I'm interested in, and it's even rarer to find a guy who likes me for who I am. But when it happens, it's beautiful. I wouldn't change it for the world. I want things to be natural, exciting, fun, and enjoyable. I've never done well in traditional settings. Whoever I end up with isn't going to tolerate that "deficiency" but celebrate that quality in me. :)

6. I fear being vulnerable. I don't like losing control, not having power. Nothing leaves me more helpless than when I start to like someone. That's when my feelings stop becoming compliant. I'm no longer the driver, and I become a passenger. I have no leverage or upper hand. It terrifies me. Most people love that attraction, flood of exhilarating feelings, the lust, but I'm weary of it.

7. Purple is my absolute favorite color. My friend calls my place the "Purple Palace". :) I love that description! I have violet walls and purple trim. There's going to be a customized talisman that symbolizes who I am and who I want to become, as well as a chakra that's customized to my height and body. As the title of my blog might suggest, balance and diversity is important to me. I try to have as many different elements in my home as I can have. Air - plants that produce oxygen (although I haven't bought that yet, I plan to!) Earth - rocks, stones, crystals. Fire - Candles Water - Water in plants and vases.

8. I want to publish a book on nutrition, a memoir, decorating, cooking, and some other topics I'd rather keep anonymous at this time.

9. Outwardly I may look like a gurly gurl, and I've even been given that nickname. I like to wear cute gurly clothes - tulip skirts and figure flattering tops to enhance my slender stature. But I don't take long to get ready. I usually look attractive, but I don't bother with makeup. I'm not into high maintenance and unnecessary time-consuming activities that contribute to illusions. That's just a form of bullshit that doesn't make me feel better because it makes me think I have to do this to be more attractive. I want to spend my time doing things that make me feel good. I like to be natural. And I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time. Beauty is so superficial. If I become so unattractive that I need the help of makeup, I won't want to engage in that task because underneath it all, the truth remains. I'll focus on something more enriching. I'm thick skinned. I'm not that weak, whiny Pisces guys initially fear.

10. 3 is a powerful number for me that speaks to me. When I first began getting premonitions, I got them in waves of three. Three is also a very real number. 3 dimensional means that you get to see the person in front of you, you can touch them, feel them, smell them, hear them. It's life. It's also a realistic number to me. It isn't one-sided, metaphorically speaking. There are positive and negative connotations about this number. 3's a crowd. But there's also - who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. The past, present, and future. All of these things include the good and the bad. Life can't have one without the other. There has to be balance - an element between good and evil. I don't like to be sheltered or censored. Diversity is important to me, That's what 3 offers me.

I Want to Create Colorful Memories :)

I know I've been neglectful blogging, but I've been busy procrastinating unpacking, recovering from an injury, then a cold, becoming re-acquainted with my OCD....you know that kind of stuff. But I'm doing great. There are finally no more boxes at my place, just small amounts of clutter that have to be designated and organized. If only that would be the end, though...I have like six more boxes stored in my friends garage I have to rummage through. And I have two small chests and an air mattress. And a whole bunch of pretty purple decoratives but no real furniture! So alas I'll have to bed a new bed platform and a mattress because as grateful as I am that my friend gave me his air mattress, it deflates every couple of days!



I've been feeling uncertain about something that deep down I was too afraid to admit I knew the answer to and I finally got the clarity I needed. I wish so many barriers didn't exist in virtually every aspect of my life, but I'm just glad things are going well. I feel like I have to work on my template to enjoy my new life, which is a struggle but definitely the right direction! I guess it all depends on perspective. Part of me felt discouraged because of the unexpected road blocks but that's life. And I'm beginning to realize that it isn't the flashing neon obstructions that matter but the subtleties in life many of us forget to embrace. I want to create colorful memories!

Colorful memories is meaningful to me at the moment, but I want to create overall colorful memories, too! I want to decorate my walls. I want to explore my creativity, an unpracticed habit. I want to make my own space, create my little oasis, and find harmony in my world, something I've never had before and it's something I feel could honestly happen. But in order for that to happen I have to get to work on time. If I screw up even once before April of next year, I lose my job! Why am I always walking on a jump rope?

*Didn't have time to edit this so if it's all garbled up, that's why!

The Energy and Bond of Two People, Day 204

This is a concept my mind has both lingered and marinated over. Some defining experiences has left me feeling drawn to the energy I have with one person and some others have left me....is broken too strong of a word? Perhaps but that's the one that comes to mind. My problem with this is that I never give it the attention it deserves. Neither of us do, and I'm not really sure why.

I'm not just left fascinated, curious, and intrigued by the energy and bond I have with someone but also the ones my friends have been facing very recently. A really good and close friend of mine has been encouraging me to pursue the feelings I have for this guy since it's lingered for about a year now. He says, "It's not over until it's over." It's frightening how much truth there is in that clique statement because I think we've both at one point thought we stopped liking each other only to realize how far from the truth that is when we reconnect. I guess out of sight out mind works to a degree.

We say a lot to each other. We express a lot to each other but never about what we really feel...about each other. That seems to be the death between two souls once connected. What's left unspoken...Not the words spoken but the ones unspoken. How long until I learn from my mistakes and the mistakes I see my friends make before I make a leap? Will I ever? Or am I just doomed to repeat the cycle?

How I feel about a person can be exposed, open, and expressed even without words. You can feel it in the presence of my energy. Even on email where the screen is white and black standardized type written words take the form of my voice. But just as easily I can conceal it, safely hidden from any danger, vulnerabilities, or risks. I tuck it right underneath the platonic chemistry, the foundation we built our relationship from. And if I really wanted to, I can call upon my "work personality" to project a one-dimensional, procedural character limited in its expression of anything based on something real or meaningful. My ability to keep my true feelings behind the transparent curtains has evolved to a degree that I can help to change his life without feelings its intensity.

How is it that we can be so open and be so censored at the same time through any form of expression we exchange? Text, email, the occasional conversation I'm privileged to have with you. *This is the first blog I've written in a long time where I've felt connected to it and therefore proud of its development because I feel like I'm giving a part of myself away. It's entries like these that I began blogging. It's nice to be reminded of that feeling. But as I was typing, my laptop shut down on me. That's what's been going on with me. I neglect my feelings (blogging) until I finally take the time to face them, acknowledge them, accept them, but as I begin to embrace them, I find myself shutting down and malfunctioning like my laptop just did. I know it's just technology failing me, but I find those two occurrences symbolic.

I don't know what to make of these feelings. Sometimes I find them to be a burden. How would you describe deep feelings you have for someone you haven't even hung out with that premonitions blasted into you over a guy you haven't even hung out with? Now that isn't to say that we don't have a connection or that we don't communicate, but it's undeniable that my feelings for him are out of proportion to this reality. Sometimes I'm fascinated by who he is, the actions that define him, what he does for me, how he helps me, how his presence makes such a difference in the lives of those who have been blessed to meet him, my feelings for him, how we are together, what we do for each other. But sadly most of the time our lives are separate, as though we exist in different realities only briefly encountering each other when we enter each other's orbit but only for a moment. Then as quickly as it came, it all just disappears but the feelings linger.

I wonder if he ever feels the same about me. Probably not. Then again how do I really know how he feels? I've been inside his head. I've had premonitions of him. It allowed me to feel what he feels, see things the way he sees things, and yet I'm at a loss when it comes to his most basic of feelings. It just goes to show you that you never really know a person.

It felt like he didn't mind my presence one day one way or another. But when it was just the two of us, the chemistry became powerful and romantically alluring. It never goes beyond that, though. And why not? I can try and protect myself from any basis of reality by trying to convince myself that he's never told me that he's liked me, that he's never found the time for me, but the truth is that he does like me. I just wonder why it's not enough to make it something more than just an intangible attraction. I'm afraid to uncover those answers. That's the real reason why I've been holding back. I'm not ready to be officially rejected with answers I can't deny because for now the dangling offers me a sense of hope.

The universe has greater plans for me, though. Is that why I've attracted so many people in my life lately that are struggling with the energy and bond of two people? They're realizing how powerful and fragile that connection truly is. My heart bleeds for them. I hope I've given them some sense of comfort through what I know is treachery. And yet I want them to suffer because that means they're dealing with the pain instead of masquerading it. Ignoring them or trying to replace it will only delay, distort, and damage a person. So I hope they go through Hell and feel every bit of what it means to be human.

It's when I help others and listen to the advice I give them that I realize how essential it is for me to follow the same sage advice that I've refused to even acknowledge existed. I'm not saying it's my fault that other people are going through crappy relationship phases. But it seems meant to be in a way that right now I know people who are because I focus on it, which in turn makes me deal with my own problems. Altruism. I don't know if I really end up helping my friends, but they say I do and they keep coming to me for insights, so I imagine I offer them something valuable. I hope I can do the same for myself.