Writing is Human, Day 36

I came to a realization today as I was sitting in my Creative Nonfiction Writing class. I showed up late, so there's A LOT I missed. As everyone was fulfilling their writing assignment based on a video I didn't view, I ended up fulfilling my very own assignment. I was surprised to discover that the "voice" everyone was supposed to use was the one I naturally carried as I was writing. Then it came to me that earlier this year, I wouldn't have been able to successfully use that voice because I was too emotionally-detached to do so.

Writing is a human activity. A human is a physical embodiment of an emotional soul. I was letting a part of me die because I was trying to be something I'm not. Being more emotionally-receptive and emotionally-functional, my writing will grow and evolve. It'll capture moments in a grasping way the way it's supposed to. It won't be a one-dimensional description of strategically placed words. It'll be relatable, real.

When I first began this blog, I did it out of inspiration and to channel intense emotions I didn't know how to manage and put it into words, something I already enjoy doing. By recording what I feel and experience, it's made them more real and understandable. Being more conscientious of them, I noticed the changes in me and the transformation taking effect. But this is the first time real progress became evident because proof manifested itself in the way I wrote.

The more I feel, the more I realize how disconnected I am. The less I felt, the more connected I assumed I was because I didn't know any better. It's nice to know that even though I feel disconnected, I'm actually more connected than I initially realized. It's interesting that I channel the water and fire element less, which was the only proof that I was an emotional person. But when you function like a normal person who feels things, you don't always need to experience intense emotional fluctiations and rage. You calmly experience everything around you. Who knew? I certainly didn't for a very long time.

So Much in One Day, Day 35

I woke up early to make it to a farmer's market only to arrive late because my friend kept getting lost in the freeway. I was sort of annoyed because he asked me for gas money. I don't mind pitching in when I'm getting rides, but I don't like that I was paying for his mistakes. I do have a terrible sense of direction, but this time it was his own perception and he knows that. I hate feeling conflicted because although I don't want to pay for his errors, I know he wouldn't be in that predicament if it wasn't for me. Next time I'll follow my own instincts. I would've arrived much earlier had I have taken the bus. But I had fun when I was there and made some awesome purchases! ^_^

The day became less pleasant as I was surrounded by racist bigots. It's unnerving to see such narrow-minded and pure ignorant hatred in such a modern society. There was a man who said that he only drinks Italian coffee now because he used to drink Brazilian coffee until he realized that Brazilians are useless but only decided to redeem them due to their soccer status. When someone asked him if Brazilians are good at soccer, he skeptically expressed that that's what he heard. Can you believe that crap? Can you imagine such deep-rooted bigotry towards a race that restricts your beverage selection? And the people that could introduce him to a completely different world is closed to him.

Then I watched Taking of Pelham, which was an enjoyable movie. The day didn't end so well, though. I'm so sick and tired of my friend's girlfriends and ex-girlfriends acting like I'm this slut. I'm not just some girl they hang out with. They treat me like one of the guys and call me James. My ex-boyfriend just referred me to James, while telling me that he won't be able to hang out. I'm worried that I'm having a platonic effect on the person I do like. That's reality. I don't deserve being mislabeled over that. I hate having to see texts that say something along the lines of, "Who have you slept with? Jaymie?"

If not having sex was a sport, I'd be in the Olympics and here I am villainized because these girls are insecure about themselves and my friends are too stupid to not engage and feed into their inadequacies. I hate having to hear that they should lie about who they saw the movie with or who they hung out with because it would upset her. I'm not happy about the idea of upsetting her, but I don't want any deceit taking place because of their unfounded insecurities. As much as I dislike them and their attitude towards me, they don't deserve to be lied to. Plus lying in order to "not hurt" them and entering their reality gives this impression that their perception is validated because deceit is warranted. That's far from the truth.

This is so frustrating because I truly know that I'm not doing anything wrong. And yet if a record exists, I tend to consider the possibility that there's legitimacy behind the claim. In this case, though, I think flawed perception is just concentrated in numbers. Of course, I would think that. I'm biased in this position. I'm tired of feeling guilty. I'm tired of hating my friends for lying, as though we should be ashamed of our friendships. I'm tired of getting worked up because I'm involved in some lie. I'm tired of being accused from something farthest from the truth. I'm tired of constantly hearing my friends ask why I won't go out with so and so as though I have the ability to go out with whoever I feel like when it's so painfully obvious that that isn't true. I'm tired of having to explain myself when I don't want to go out with someone. I'm tired of being burdened, annoyed, and disappointed that my friend's girlfriends or exes think there's something going on because people act like I can have whoever I want or everyone when I'm living contrary to their disillusion.

Fun Weekend in Progress, Day 34

So after work on Friday, my sister and I went to a farmer's market, which is more like a flea market. I bought a pretty glass murano pendant and chain for $5! It's purple and everything! ^_^ I so would've bought more if I wasn't planning to go on a crystal shopping spree tomorrow. There were 2 for $10 bracelets. A pretty pendant that was selling for $12, which was offered to me for $10. I wonder if that was a marketing gimmick or not. Either way, I think it was worth it. There was also an $8 bracelet. I could've bought 4 bracelets for $20, the $10 pendant, $8 bracelet, and the $5 neckace for $43. $43 would've gotten me 7 jewelry! That's awesome, right?

I also went to my friend's birthday party. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay too long. We headed over to my sister's boyfriends place to mix the drinks and drink the drinks, a phrase coined by her. I made bomb ass cosmos and mojitos! I played beer pong and flip cup for the first time. It's fun! Today we hit the beach and I tanned! I wish there were before and after pics taken of me and pre-posed pics. -___- Thanks a lot, sis! Oh well, next time! All in all a very good weekend. The fresh air was definitely good for me. My allergies aren't bothering me at all! Maybe two weeks from now, I might go water skiing. I was invited next weekend, but I have to hop a fence to enter a flea market. Fun times!

Breaking the Habit, Day 33

I wanted to take the time and explain why I chose to not blog yesterday. I suppose I could have, but I didn't have anything to express that I felt would be meaningful. I created this blog as a way to help myself. If I feel that my time will be better served elsewhere, I'll do that. But I am committed to this blog. My friend once told me that sometimes it's good to break the habit. Even if you're eating healthy, I might have junk food just to break the habit.

I don't know why, but that was one of those things that resonated in me. I feel that it's important and a lesson that'll become valuable in the near future, but I'm not sure why it is at the moment. Only time will tell. It makes sense, though. If I chose to write in spite of how I felt, the break in habit wouldn't have allowed me to reflect on things. I recently realized that self-reflection isn't always about coming to realizations that can be articulated, but it can be about reaching a certain emotional state of contentment and understanding.

No Blog Tonight, Day 32

Feeling Sick, Day 31

My immune system's gotten a little compromised as of late. (JASON, I decided to write "as of late" inspired by your choice of words on IM! LOL! I don't know why I feel the need to express that). I'm not sure if I started getting a cold, my allergies have left me weak, or if the sun has made me susceptible to sickliness. All I know right now is that I wake up every morning with a dry sore throat and when I cough, it's hoarse. But my nose is definitely runny and I've been sneezing incessantly, so there's no doubt that allergies are at play here. My headache is probably sinus-related. Certain times of the day I feel more weak than other times. I start feeling a little sleepy, as though my body's beginning to shut down. I wonder if that's my body's way of trying to communicate with me that I should rest in order to recover. I'm not as productive or efficient as usual. Hopefully it'll pass. I have nothing else to report. I sort of feel guilty that this entry is so uneventful because this is time that anyone who's reading will never get back. I care about those things, THOMAS! LOL!

Oh here's something. I'm drinking an immune-enhancing tea that's not very delicious but effective. I added six smashed garlic cloves and juice of a lemon into a pot of water. I brought it to a boil. Then you had buckwheat honey to taste. Stir and let it sit for five minutes before consumption. Repeat as needed.

It's Not About the Celebration, Day 30

My 365 a day project has finally reached its one-month anniversary! Yay! Now that it's finally happened, I'm wondering why I deluded myself into thinking that this isn't something I can do. I was trying to come up with ways I can celebrate. I considered asking this guy who works at the farmer's market suggestions for incorporating the air element because he commented that he has too much of the wind element. That's the exact opposite problem I have, so I thought about asking him if he had any suggestions for me. I never got around to it and didn't feel like asking the next time I saw him.

It left me wondering how on earth I can or should celebrate the big 30 day event until it dawned on me that it isn't about the celebration but the changes that occurred since the birth of this blog. Day to day, I don't stop to think how much I change in a month. But reflecting on this blog, it's apparent that even in brief moments I grow. I'm beginning to realize that although it's rare and brief, I do have moments where I'm clear-minded, a difficult task I've been struggling with my entire life. I found a home for my thoughts where I can release my emotions and fears, a fairly new and foreign concept to me. This blog has allowed me to embrace and accept who I am.

I've become open about the fact that I get premonitions, and it's made things less scary. The more open I am about it, the less crazy it is than I once suspected it would be. It brought stability into my life. It also brought an awareness of feelings. A good friend of mine used to look at me with confusion, disappointment, and shock, while saying to me that it's like I'm not human. I didn't understand what he meant until now. Who knew how much I was missing out on by being so emotionally-disconnected?

I sheltered myself from inevitable pain by delaying it a little, which may have been worthwhile at one point in my life, but it also kept me from understanding how life works. Life is about taking risks, so you can get hurt and fall into a pool of depression. Without that kind of pain burdening us, what incentive will we have to rise above it? As my friend beautifully expressed it, "Words can cut you like a knife. You bleed into a large pool of sadness." It's through that experience that this blog was born. I remember the pain, and I still feel the pain. But I also feel a change in me, a change for the better. That's what I should celebrate and appreciate, the little things. This blog has allowed me to observe my behavior, and it's revealed to me how powerful and influential my feelings are. That's a concept I would've never understood in the past. So today I choose to silently celebrate the changing me and the woman who inspired me. Urban Buddha 1602, I thank you.

Not a Prisoner in my Own Thoughts, Day 29

Today I'm not a prisoner in my own thoughts. My mind is calm and slow. I don't have any incessant thoughts and random ideas floating around. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I'm not restless. Mostly I'm just lounging. It's a peculiar feeling. I feel still. I suppose I'm channeling the earth element. I'm where I am.

I feel like I should take advantage of this free-minded state I'm in, but I'm not sure what to do with myself. I wonder if a nature walk will be more satisfying because I'm already calm or less because it wouldn't have the usual effect on me. I'm tempted to find out, but I want to guard against getting sick. So I'm sitting at home just dilly dallying.

Surfacing Premonitions, Day 28

I came to a realization today. As much as I love my friends and what I do, it's important that I carve blocks of time separate from everything else i.e., work, friends, school, and all the other priorities in my life that attach me to something in some form or another. How can I focus on myself and my goals if I'm surrounded by the energies of other peoples' ambitions, dreams, and goals? My own will drown and fade into the distant.

It's been hard lately to make time to write for a myriad of reasons. But you know what? It's not meant to be easy. And the most difficult things in life to achieve is sometimes the most worth gaining. It's crucial that I don't lose sight of that. Even though the core of who I am may not be connected to the air element, I think I allow my dreams to float around weightlessly and move around to accommodate the other things in my life. It's not even something I fully realized until today.

I like variety. I don't like being stagnant. But paradoxically enough because I have an addictive personality I do engage in repetitious activity, which can be mindless at times. Somehow, though, that activity isn't as satisfying as it once was. Ever since the last guy I was with made me see how severely co-dependent I am of it, I've found it to be a guilty act of coping mechanism that I view as my inability to manage my life. I don't find that acceptable. With the help of some new friends who have addressed my compulsive nature as unhealthy, I believe I'm starting to take the right step towards recovery or a new life path.

Sometimes it's refreshing for outsiders to come into your life and help you realize that what you've been doing for so long is crippling because the people who've been a part of my life for years accept it as me being me. The new people in my life see how detrimental it is to my life. It's a difference in perspective and a value I appreciate greatly. So I thank you. You guys should know who you are.

I quickly glanced over to the title and realized that I haven't addressed the proper contents that support this blog's title. That also made me realize that maintaining this blog has actually connected me more to the air element than I've ever been. (I also feel like I've been using the word realize A LOT!) One of the things that made me realize why separation and detachment from external ties is necessary for my well-being is the experience in contrast for starters. But lately I've been working hard at pushing back certain premonitions to the back of my mind.

That's probably not the best way to deal with it. I don't even think it's intentional. Certain circumstances make my premonitions more likely to surface. Sometimes they're just premonitions I've had in the past that just go on replay. Other times it's as if they just come out of me and add to the premonitions I've had. The worst part is that sometimes I can feel as if that's not a premonition of the existing future but the future that could've been. That's the last thing I want to experience.

It's like this cruel punishment, premonitions, a torture device unlike any other. It exploits my weaknesses. I still don't know what the future holds for me. I actually feel like this is even more true since I've gotten premonitions. They're more things for me to be uncertain about. But I do feel certain that nothing will happen. The energy has changed. I do wonder how much of it is a self-fulfilling prophecy as my friend explained to me. I am prone to self-sabotage, but I wonder if this time considering that will be trivializing the other person's ability to sense his own feelings. Maybe this time it's who I am that was the downfall of it all. I suppose at the end it doesn't really matter.

My point is that I don't want to dwell on what could've been and the change in direction that it's taken. So I need my distance, a healthy detachment. When I'm in proximity of certain things, I don't think about it so much. When I am, I'm plagued by it. I'm sure both sides isn't healthy. There has to be a healthy medium between tormented thoughts and an escape. I'm trying hard not to push the premonitions into the back of my mind. The last thing I want to do is create a cobweb of thoughts that'll just collect dust in my mind, but I don't enjoy these experiences. If separating myself keeps me from them, I think that's the best thing I can do for myself.

It's also totally invasive of me. I don't try to tap into it, but I do. I don't think it's fair of me to know what his love prospects are. I don't want to know, either. I'm not happy about it on my end. I'm happy for him because she's beautiful and nice. I think they would hit it off. But that doesn't mean that I want a preview of it. The curious and nosy side of me is dying to know what's actually going on in this present moment just so I can know. Even though I don't really want to know, you know? I just like to fill in the blanks of the unknown. I not only find it invasive of me to enter the private intimate details of his life that he hasn't found fit to share with me, but I find it a disturbance for myself, too. And why wouldn't I?

Senti-Ment and Other Expressions of Feelings, Day 27

I made plans to hang out with a really good friend of mine to tell him how much he affected me. The details are private and will go unrecorded. But basically by opening up to me about some intimate details, it reassured me that I can trust myself and my intuition. That's been a struggling journey that I've began approaching for some time now. I finally feel like I'm making progress towards the right direction.

He decoded a word which really spoke to me. He broke down the word sentiment into two words "senti" and "iment". Apparently the word "senti" means feelings. I didn't used to be a sentimental person. I was also an emotionally-disconnected person. It made me realize what I involve and my writing improves profoundly when I'm most emotionally-vulnerable and exposed. I can't relate to things if I don't feel things. If I don't feel things, I can't reflect properly to write. A writer has to feel. I'm hoping that by truly feeling things my experiences will change. I'll notice the subtle air breezing by.

Proceed with Fear, Day 26

So much has happened. Ever since I slowed down my mind and began becoming more emotionally-receptive I’ve realized that even the smallest of things have immeasurable impact. Fears I've always had manifest and affect me more strongly than ever because I'm now emotionally-connected. There's something about being emotionally-invested in something that makes everything so much more terrifying. Passion is what drives us. It's one of the most exhilarating experiences in life but also the most frightening.

Fear is a common and even natural emotion that we all feel and face. Too many of us allow it to consume us and we surrender to it. We don't like being afraid. It's understandable but unavoidable. We can distract ourselves from the impending fear, but it'll always be there, lingering, waiting, and ready to drain us of our vitality unless we channel and fully embrace how fear makes us feel and transform it into something more powerful. It's better to proceed with fear than live in the shadow out of fear.

I've always wanted to become a writer. I thought I was strong and confident because I would say that openly and proudly, but the truth is that I was hiding from my fear. I couldn't face the possibility that I won't make it as a writer, so I was adamant. Now that the barriers that once existed are no longer there, and I'm left to trust myself, I'm plagued by fear once again. It's not that I had confidence in myself as a writer. I was wearing a mask.

Now that the mask is off, I'm so fucking scared! And guess what? That's okay. Better to experience fear than exist without emotions. I realized that I have to proceed with fear because I can't eliminate fear out of my life. I can't change how I feel until my feelings change as a result of how experiences affect me. I'm not going to wait around until my fear goes away. It may never go away. So I'm going to proceed with fear.

I sought advice from my friend and mentor about becoming a writer. His response moved me in a way he'll never know. I've actually decided to print it out and put it in my binder. I want it to serve as a mantra for me. I was also told by a friend today, "If you don't write, it's on you." Those words spoke to me because I know he knows what he's talking about. I have so many pressures weighing on me right now. It's very possible that the little exposure I have now can become my life. If I were to become that embodiment, it would consume me. That's still not an excuse. If I don't write, it's on me. Better to have tried and failed than to not have tried at all. I may not believe that in its entirety in other aspects of my life, but it definitely applies to writing.

I want the air to travel where it must. I want to follow it and see where it leads me. I want to grow and evolve just like the earth has. I want my emotions to flow through me like the rivers and waterfalls. I want the passion in my heart to ignite my dreams, and set them on fire. But I want to control it, so it doesn't burn everything in sight. It's through this that I'll find my balance, my center. Above all else, I will be me. Who am I, you ask? I'm a writer.

To Overcome Fear, "Day 25"

I know that it's already the next day. I was originally going to race against time and invest all of that energy into panic and anxiousness only to realize that although I've committed to blogging daily, it's not productive to do so if it's going to stress me. This blog is supposed to be therapeutic. I want to connect more with the earth and wind element. That means going with the flow, instead of charging against it.

I made my choice. I know that I'm supposed to blog daily. But I began talking to friends instead, which I'm glad I did. I hope I was able to help them. It's not like I didn't know that it would interfere with my daily entries. I had my topic all figured out and everything, but my thoughts had time to marinade. This entry would've been premature beforehand. Little would I have known at the time, though.

I originally named this blog, "I'm Not Ready." Then I renamed it "I'm Ready." The topics were about two different things. Given enough time to reflect and re-evaluate my perspective, I decided to go with "To Overcome Fear". It encompasses both original entries but will focus on a different aspect.

My first entry would've focused on realizing how not ready I am about someone in my life. I don't think getting premonitions and being able to see the future is a gift. I think the power that allows us that access it is a gift because it's a gateway to a different world. I have access that others don't have. I was selected, and others weren't. But to see the future? Is it a benefit? I don't think so. It doesn't make things easier or clearer. It's just another example of the Paradox of Choice.

I'm not ready to discover if how I feel and what I perceived to be true was right or not. I thought I was. I want to know how things were even though I feel that it's no longer the case because I want to know if I can trust myself or not. I want to know if I was wrong. I just want reassurance. But deep down if I remove my fear and doubts, I know how things were. And if I was wrong, I would still feel the same. So why do I need to know? I may be tormenting myself about my own perception in relation to the role I played, but I'm certain in the opposite regard. I want to know what he felt then. And I want to know if he likes the girl I saw in my premonition, even though I'm confident that she's real and what I felt was right. Both are premonitions. Why is it easier for me to believe that this other girl who I've never met or heard about is real and that he has or will develop feelings for her, but I'm able to accept that at least at one point he liked me? I was there. I lived it. What's wrong with me?

I know I couldn't bring myself to ask him. So I thought about using a subtler approach, but I'm still not ready to learn the truth. People say it's better to know the truth than always wonder. I agree with that, but I'm not ready to step into that light. Just like I always knew that it's better to eliminate chaos and drama in your life, it took me a long time to truly be ready to live that reality. It's selfish for me to want to know for my own reasons because I'm insecure. I think I've burdened enough people in my life with my fears and doubts. This is my burden to carry, no one else's. If he truly likes her and things are supposed to work out for them, it will. Regardless of why I'm hesitating whether it's for the right reasons or not, if I'm not comfortable proceeding, then I shouldn't. Every action has a consequence. I don't want my interference to mess with the possibility of him being happy even if it isn't with me.

I may not be ready to face some things, but I'm ready for other things. I had a really good talk with a friend about how meditation affects me. My pupils dilating and feeling light-headed has always left me too scared to do it again. What he made me realize is that I can achieve an altered state without the use of drugs. An altered state is your body's way of trying to tell you something, and I ran away from it. It makes sense. It's new and foreign. The unknown scares people, and I'm definitely guilty of that. But if it's keeping me from breathing, then I definitely think it's something I have to explore. It's something I need to explore.

He gave me peace of mind to approach what I know I have to do. Am I still scared? Absolutely! But now I know what I have to do. His insights helped me greatly. I don't want to call it a casual conversation because that'll trivialize it, but it was one of those conversations where you didn't expect some profound discovery. Sometimes those are the best kind. Shortly after that experience, another friend of mine asked if I started meditating and offered to direct me towards books that can help me if I'm ready.

That's when I realized that he felt I was ready. That means the world to me. I'm not surprised that he observed that, but his insights and opinions mean a lot to me. They carry a lot of weight. It's great having that reassurance. He said that there have been subtle changes that made it apparent. He said he knows I'm scared but that I'm ready. It's true. I think there are some things I'm ready for when the fear dissipates. This isn't one of them. I'm scared, but I have to proceed with fear. To overcome fear I have to proceed with fear, wherever the wind takes me.

Girl World, Day 24

Today I entered girl world. I had my first girl talk with a girl yesterday. Today I went bikini shopping with a girl. We talked about makeup, skincare products, spas, ate modestly, called each other demeaning names, and I borrowed a jacket. Is this what girl world is like? It's so time-consuming and vain. It was certainly a different and new experience.

I don't really have much to report. Oh, I bought a bikini for $7! Can you believe it? It's a cute red two piece bathing suit. I'm really impressed. I never get bargains. Is it perfect? Hardly. The material is thinner than I would like it to be, but for the price I won't complain. I still want to hit another mall. But if I decide that I don't like this set, I can practically wear it as underwear! What a bargain, right?

As I was trying on the different pieces and I realized how unfitting it was, I realized how much these suits were lacking in foundational structure. I wonder if that's how I am. I have a very weak structure and foundation with a lot of things. I was advanced quickly academically as a child. I still struggle with basic arithmetics as I skate on by trigonometry. I've been advanced in English class only to discover that I haven't learned basic grammar until I reached community college.

A strong, solid foundation is important. Maybe I'm disconnected with the earth element because my structure, which is representative of the earth element is poorly built. Maybe I need to go back to the basics and rebuild from there. Or else I'll continue to move forward in the weakened state I have for so long. Even the seemingly most frivolous of experiences can provide us with insights if we're open to it.

Our Experiences Flavor Our Soul, Day 23

I have this strong and dominant presence about me. Everyone can feel my energy. In the past I wasn't receptive to the feelings of others, so I never realized that I have this innate ability to absorb and transmit the energy around me until recently. There's a lot I've discovered about myself that I never knew before. I always knew that I wanted to become a writer. I always knew that I wouldn't become a statistic. I always knew that I had to follow my own path. It was easy to recognize what path wasn't meant for me. I was adamant, strong, and clear. So I thought I knew myself. But I was wrong. A guy I was with for six years one day told me that I come off like I have a strong sense of self, but he knows it's bullshit. I wasn't fully aware of how true his words were and still are.

I had a contrasting experience that enlightened me about the depth of my heart. "For one person to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation." Rainer Maria Rilke. My friend actually posted this on facebook the same day that I read it at a bookstore. That's symbolic to me because I felt connected to her when I read a poem she wrote.

Those words speak to me because I realized that when I was with the last guy I had depth in my heart I never knew existed, but I also discovered after the downfall of our relationship that it's also a lot shallower than it should be. More importantly, shallower than I want it to be. He was sadly preparation. That speaks volumes for how much I have to grow and evolve. I hate the idea that he came into my life only to get hurt because I haven't grown.

A friend once told me that it's twisted but I like being in my head. I enjoy it. It torments me, but I enjoy it. It's true or it was. It's what I know and what I'm familiar with. He feared that something awful will have to happen for me to want to change. He was right. I lost the love that could've been. I can't think of anything worse. But I am here, and I am now. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I'm where I am today because of the experiences that led me here. Our experiences flavor our soul but sometimes too much. That's why it's so important that we be selective about the people we surround ourselves with. Their energies resonate in us. And that's what we transmit back out into the world.

Cluttered with Thoughts and Emotions, Day 22

I wrote this entry yesterday, but I forgot to post it. Oops....

Here I thought that committing to a daily blog would be difficult because I'd run out of ideas to express. But as my friend put it, people who have a lot to say usually have a lot to write. Come to think of it, it's almost amusing and air-headed of me to think that the challenges and struggles that plague other people would be my own. As if my life would be that convenient. If that were the case, I'd be able to draw on the experiences of others and learn from it. While I do, I have a lot more twists and turns I have to modify to make it my own after a series of trials and errors. It's interesting how self-reflection works.

This blog has been a great experience for me. Even though I have an astute ability to analyze and observe, I reach conclusions so quickly that I don't always consciously process the accumulating details. This blog has allowed me to reflect on a more productive level, and it's made me realize how unique and interconnected I am with others. I've reached a point in my life where I appreciate the difficulties I experience that rarely seem to plague others because I can finally see the benefits that I'm fortunate enough to be blessed with. My mind is usually cluttered, burdened, and racing with thoughts. My challenge with blogging daily isn't about finding things to write about. It's refining, narrowing down, and prioritizing what I want to write about.

I've always felt like the core of who I am is a writer. I still believe that. I relate to things as a writer. But I haven't appreciated things from a writer's viewpoint until this blog. I experience things in my daily life that compels me to write, but another thing happens and that compels me to write. It's a blessing and a curse, a perpetuating cycle. It's today that I realized my addictive personality and compulsive nature is manifesting itself and uprooting itself in my passion. What a clever move to make. My addictive nature wants to survive and doesn't want me to suppress itself. It's an inner turmoil of conflict. The best way to sustain its existence is to clutch onto something that I'm unwilling to kill off.

This is so me! I'm paradoxical by nature. Emotional and emotionally-disconnected. Analytical but unobservant. Astutely observant but lacking analytical thought process. At a logical extreme or totally air-headed. So why wouldn't my medicine also be my poison? I don't have a set of two like most people. I have an interchanging, fluid state of things that can either be good or bad depending on my mood. That's why trying to fight or resist the dark side of me fails. It's only by accepting it will I be able to move forward.

I'm influential and have a dominant and powerful energy. I can sense that with some people how I feel can be emulated and mirrored by them. I have to guard myself and others against them. I'm a strong believer in freewill. Having such a presence, I believe that my self-sabotaging nature is deeper rooted than I originally realized. If I think that something is platonic or nothing will happen, I think my energy plays a role in the outcome, which isn't to say that others don't contribute either. I just think it's one reality I have to be more aware of. Another motivating reason for why I want, need, and should silence my mind. My compulsive thoughts can influence things in ways I don't want it to.

I realized that water has a therapeutic effect on me and helps to wash away my worries that plague me. I used to see water as a emotionally fluid, rapidly changing, unpredictable force. But it's also cleansing, powerful, and purifying. I don't always have to be a hostage to the water element. I think by letting the water wash over me, I was more grounded. It's when I'm grounded that I feel I possess more of the earth element. When I feel more connected to the earth element, I'm receptive to the air element.

It's All or Nothing, Day 21

This entry was inspired by my friend who wrote on her wall post "It's all or nothing." I don't know what she's going through or what she means in reference to it, but whatever it is, I hope it works out. "It's all or nothing" can be seen as a repulsive and burdening ultimatum, which I think is how I would've perceived it long ago. With what's going on in my life and the experiences that have shaped me now, I see it more as a reality, neither good or bad, but an unchangeable circumstance nonetheless. I have a choice. I may not like the choices that exist, but there are two only set paths. I either accept everything for all that it is (the good AND the BAD) or after weighing the cons, I realize that the bad isn't worth the good, so I take nothing. At least that's how I see it. If the good outweighed the bad, I don't think I would consider things in terms of all or nothing. But that's if I put more emphasis on nothing more than all.

Sometimes, though, and this seems to be the case for me is that I have to choose or else I have to create my own path. Sometimes finding or creating my own direction is best because I'm personalizing it for me. Other times creating my own path is like creating my own destructive cycle because instead of allowing the universe to guide me like the air gently breezing on by, the fire element rules me. So I don't see that what I'm actually doing is fighting myself in a futile effort.

I think the best way to determine which choice is best is when you get to the point in your life when you have to consider exactly what it is that you're contemplating "all or nothing" about. Whatever it is that you're considering, is it a good or bad thing? In those simple terms, believe it or not, if we silence our thoughts and just let our intuition take over, we often know or have a sense of whether it's good or not even if you can't define that feeling. If it's bad, take nothing with you. It's not actually difficult to find the answer. What's difficult is making yourself receptive to the answer. In my experience, the right answer is often the one that seems most difficult and challenging to accept.

Ever since I started getting premonitions, I've been dealing with a mixture of feelings. I'm emotionally burdened, calmed, conflicted, confused, enlightened, receptive, self-sabotaging, and vulnerable. I've already experienced these things on a regular basis, but now it's more intense and a much deeper experience. My last entry probably hasn't made too much sense. I think I've just let the premonitions marinade in my mind. My friend's wall comment came at a good time for me. It's time for me to pick and choose.

As my powers grow, so do the dynamics of my premonitions. I used to think that my premonitions only came in waves of three, which is why I call them "triple effect" because they impact me three times. Now, though, I can re-enter a previous premonition, and it becomes more elaborate. Those are "triggered". My triggers are also growing, too. My triggers used to only be premonitions that I had when I was in close proximity of someone, and those premonitions were so brief that I called them "flashes." The images were still, and unlike the triple effect, the feelings I sense aren't three dimensional and they're simpler feelings. But now I can get triggers when I'm watching a movie and a specific scene that's similar to what can happen in my future appears, so does another trigger. I should call that a "movie preview".

I'm contemplating whether I should expose the entire thing or not. The fact that I'm contemplating makes me feel that I shouldn't. Here's the limited version: I've been getting premonitions about a guy I like, and before anyone thinks that I'm imagining things, I get a call from a good friend and coincidentally my ex who reassures me that I'm not tripping because he sees everything I see. Yeah, we've been in each other's head. Fucking crazy, right?

Lately it's been feeling like things are becoming platonic for him. In one of the triple effects, he moves on and finds someone else instead of the two of us getting together. We stay friends, and we become good friends, not close friends, good friends. Whatever that means.... Anyways the name of the other girl came to me a while ago, but just yesterday I got more of a glimpse of who she is, probably because he and I had loosely made plans to hang out. It didn't end up happening, and I kind of suspected that. But thinking about him and focusing on him released another trigger. I had a feeling that her name was spelled with 1 N, and I was right.

Who knows? Maybe nothing will happen with them. As if that's the point. Imagine how I must feel. I'm still wondering if I'm over my ex because of my first premonition which showed me that I wasn't. How fucked is that when your future self has to show this to you? The fact that I'm wondering makes it pretty self-evident that I'm not over him. But I feel like I don't even have time to get over my ex without being bombarded of feelings for the next guy. I haven't really gotten to spend time with him to get to really know him. But I'm already fast-forwarding into the future, experiencing feelings that I haven't even developed yet, feelings that may not even develop yet. Still, it lingers and resonates in me.

1 N, Day 20

I used to think that feelings were like water or fire. Emotions can be still, calm but unpredictably intense and uncontrollable. I suppose air (wind) can also represent that kind of emotion, but air is invisible just like emotions. You don't see it; you feel it. Right now I think the element I relate to most is air. I used to feel that the air and earth elements were most unfamiliar to me, and they were. I'm starting to understand why. Feelings are intangible. They aren't solid objects that you can hold, see, or even understand. They just are what they are. Such abstract, undefined concepts were too foreign for me to grasp. Now that I've finally become emotionally-connected, I'm better able to relate to it.

It makes sense that emotional discoveries will be rooted from an emotional experience. But what surprises me is my reaction to it, an absence of emotional response, just a sense of expectedness. Maybe if I weren't so neutral, I would find some strength to be disappointed and saddened by what I envision. But I'm just me.

The air carries and floats on by without a direction to follow or a pre-destination planned out. They go wherever they go and end up wherever they end up. It's strong and real. Just as quickly as feelings can grow, it can just as easily move a different direction. Like the air that gives us life, feelings give our soul -----

Live First, Learn Second, Day 19

I'm compensating for the day I forgot to blog. There's really no reason why I didn't blog. I'm sure I could've found something to blog about, but instead I chose to talk with my roommate. I don't think that was the wisest course of action. He's cool and all, but he enjoys lively debates and extensive conversations. That's great and all. But as open as he is, he's overly opinionated, disruptive, and adamant about his position. He desires to know why someone disagrees with him but doesn't behave in a way that can effectively enlighten him. It's draining to convince him, and yet I feel compelled to do just that. It's an unhealthy environment to be in. I already know that he's too single-minded and overly opinionated to be open to an alternative view. He enjoys the heated disputes, too, so I think it's possible that he deliberately takes on an argumentative position because he enjoys the idea of someone challenging him.

This is a fine example of Live First, Learn Second. After reading my friends blog, it inspired me to focus on a reality I don't really acknowledge consciously. I learn from my mistakes. I need the retrospect to understand things. Some people can anticipate things and behave accordingly. That's not how I operate. More importantly, I feel that the most powerful and meaningful lessons in life are learned through our errors. Those errors can only teach us if we live, truly live. Live First, Learn Second. You have to live in order to learn.

She addressed something I struggle with, less and less now but still something I haven't overcome. "I want to know all the answers but that is impossible. I have to live first and then the answers will find me." Then the answers will find me. That's deep and simple. Most of the deepest discoveries usually are simple. I'm proud of her for realizing that and grateful that she realized that because I understand it now. I used to fear the unknown, which is why I prepared for everything. I used to learn, learn, and learn, not because I found the experience satisfying but because it comforted me. I felt like the more I learned, there were less things I didn't know. By eliminating the amount of stuff I didn't know, I was eliminating a little more of my fear, the unknown. By distracting myself and entertaining the notion that my fear was worth protecting myself from, I wasn't learning because I wasn't living. Things are different now. I don't merely exist; I live, which is why I've learned so much.

Manifestation of Feelings, "Day 18"

I discovered something. I’ve always to some level believed that the energy you possess is the energy you attract. But I never utilized that knowledge. Knowing something without using it is useless information. Every time something in me tried to challenge me about the perpetuating cycle I was in, I would always respond with a stubborn rebuttal that I can’t help being negative because of all the crap that kept happening to me. I think there was an element of truth to that, but I was being single-minded.

Over time the chaos in my life subsided because my circumstances changed. As a result, I reacted differently towards my life and it changed the energy I carried around me. I didn’t willingly manifest a more positive energy as a way to attract better energy. It just led to that result. But recently something changed in me after a really bad breakup with a guy I really cared about. I started attracting laid-back people. I think I realized how much I needed to change and that I was desperately seeking to develop something I don’t have. Eventually these amazing people in my life have affected me in ways I never knew possible. But life is never meant to be mundane for long.

I personally didn’t start attracting the kind of energy I want to stay away from, but it was beginning to approach me. I kept thinking to myself how much I didn’t want that kind of toxic negativity around me in my life. Even if my thought revolving the toxicity was repulsion, constantly thinking toxic, toxic, toxic attracted the very thing I was trying to avoid. It concealed itself in something unassuming and friendly. I wrote an entry a while ago about titled “A Series of Randomness, Day 10”. I met someone who was looking to make friends, so I suggested that he go to a popular coffee social where it’s virtually impossible to not socialize. He seemed like a normal guy, but that was far from the truth. I actually remember thinking keep him away from a specific friend. I brushed that thought off because I thought I was just being racist, even though I’m not a racist person.

I actually think that by thinking of the negative energy, I attracted the very thing I was trying to avoid. It made me realize how self-sabotaging I’ve been in the past. This guy is seriously unbalanced and disturbed. He seemed like such a friendly guy at first. He texted me one day if we were going to be at the coffee house that night. I told him who was going to be there at what time including my schedule. I said that I’d be there by 7:30 pm. He said that he’ll be there for as long as he can and then he’d leave to go have dinner. He said he’ll have dinner whenever he gets hungry. As he was ready to leave, he texted me that if we don’t run into each other if I wanted to have dinner with him the following day or the day after. I replied that I won’t be available until next week and if he would be there at 7:30 pm. His response was startling. “Leaving. No one is showing up. When you say you are busy til next week, is it a cheap way to blow someone off? I don’t know about you but I make time for people. Idont feel like im too good nor too good important for someone to keep them waiting especially indefinitely. I would respond if I was asked sure how’s Tuesday of next week, etc. Nevermind you probably have too many friends anyways in the area. I just dont like to put too much time and effort on someone whether it be just friends or more who puts me at the bottom of their list and too good to put me ontheir list. Its cool, do what you need to do. Sorry for asking.” That is the exact text I received. Pretty intense, right?

I was shocked, offended, and flustered. The text I sent him didn’t go through, which is actually fortunate. I knew even entertaining him with a response is unwise, but I felt compelled to perpetuate the cycle. This is the text that didn’t go through. “You don’t know me very well. When I blow people off, I blow people off. I can’t make time I don’t have. If I was blowing you off and not making time for you, I wouldn’t have told you when I was available. You perceive making time and putting someone on the list as immediacy. That’s not how it works. Making time means taking time when you have time. I don’t know you have time. I don’t know you very well, but I don’t want to associate myself with judgmental people who blame me for someone I’m not cuz I have a lot of friends who appreciate and accept me as I am.” He texted me that he doesn’t get camera or picture images. I took that as a sign that I shouldn’t bother to engage in this confrontation. The only reason why I responded in the first place is because I didn’t like my integrity being compromised, and I wanted to enlighten him on how flawed his perception is in hopes of helping him. It must be difficult going through life carrying that kind of mentality because he’ll always feel rejected. Life would be more satisfying and fulfilling for him if he accepted and saw things in a light where he isn’t perceived as rejected or unworthy. But a part of me knew that a simple text isn’t going to reverse his deeply imbedded mindset. What’s interesting is that as I was getting upset, a massage therapist at the bookstore I was browsing at advertised a complimentary 5 minute massage. Such perfect timing, right? It’s like the universe’s way of offering me an alternative path to follow.

What this experience has taught me is that sometimes appearances can be deceiving. If I can’t trust what’s right in front of me, all that’s left to trust is myself. So I better be refine my intuitive skills. It also made me realize how my self-sabotaging and perpetuating cycle operates. Even if I think that I don’t want a certain energy surrounding me, by thinking of that energy, I inadvertently attract it. The best thing I can do for myself is focus on what I desire, rather than what I don’t desire. My life will flow through the energy I surround myself with. I want the air I’m surrounded by to be fresh and clean so that my world can be positive. How can clear waters flow and be healthy if it’s contaminated? Even fire can be positive if it’s contained. I don’t want it to be ruthless and uncontrollable. But, more importantly, I want clean energy.

I See Things, Day 17

I think I’ve always had the ability to see things. As a child I would constantly beg myself to not see spirits. I think I saw my first spirit when I was seven or eight years old. But I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened before that. I’ve always believed in that kind of stuff, but it took me a really long time to accept it. I never thought that I was schizophrenic, but it would be more convenient. I lived in a paralleled world. I believe these things, always have. But when it came time to approach what I saw, I told myself that I had to have imagined it. I was really dismissive about it.

Not everyone believes me or this other reality. That’s okay. For a really long time I struggled with that, and it confused me. I knew that I didn’t care if anyone believed me or not, but I reacted as though I did. I was discreet about all of this. The truth is that I was afraid that I did believe it. I didn’t care about what others thought. Now that I’ve accepted it, I’m more at peace with it.

This is a good thing. But sometimes I don’t like that I get premonitions. Instead of it warning me or feeling like it’s offering me a preview, it’s more like a constant reminder that something’s coming to such a frequency that I can’t enjoy the moment, and I’m daunting what’s to come. I accept that this is how I feel, but I’m no longer fighting it. I can’t ignore or shut it off. That’s like trying to use a door to stop a flow of water from entering. I might as well move some stuff aside (mentally prepare myself) and open the door (accept it) to allow the water (premonition) to flow because one way or another it will enter.

I used to have such difficulty managing my emotions that I became overly logical. But I was also imbalanced in many ways, and I finally figured out why. It’s because I was trying to be someone I’m not. I used to perceive being emotional as being unstable because of my experience in how I managed it. But by being detached, which I shouldn’t be, other problems manifested. I’ve changed a lot. I’m more receptive and better able to manage my emotions, so I don’t become imbalanced when I embrace it. I am an emotional person. By being who I am, I’ve reached more stability than I ever have in my life.

A huge part of that is accepting my gift, which sometimes I react to like it’s a curse. When I was younger, I was told by so many different people (friends, psychics, parents of friends, strangers, people who had no connection to one another who never knew what others have told me) that I shouldn’t tap into my intuition or else it would make me suicidal. Right before then, my intuition sprouted super fast. My life was so hectic that I barely noticed it until people slowed me down and I was forced to observe it for myself. I started to shut down, which I truly believe was the right decision for me at the time. A lot’s changed since then, though.

It’s amazing how transformation works. It seems like it was almost instantaneous when in reality, it’s been building up to this for a long time. The contrasting transitions have just become noticeable now. As I change, I attract new energy and, therefore, new people into my life. A really good friend of mine who has a similar gift revealed to me that he doesn’t use his powers at all, but I need to decide for myself what I’m going to do. I know he thinks that a time will come for me when I have to follow my own path, which is different from his. I just know, deep inside, that my time will come.

Ever since my gift has surfaced so to speak, I’ve began creating terms and observing certain significance. For example, 3 is my symbolic number. I’ve always bounced off of other people’s emotions, but I wasn’t aware of it at the time. I didn’t know where it was coming from or that it was even external. I just felt emotional like I was swimming in an emotional Chef’s salad so to speak. There were all these feelings mixed in there randomly. I didn’t understand or grasp any of it. Now I have a better handle of it. There’s how I feel. There’s how the other person feels. And there’s how I feel in reaction to knowing how the other person feels. Imagine how confusing it would be to experience all of that without knowing the distinctions. I know that these bounced emotions work in threes, and it still throws me.

I first became aware of this when I was hanging out with my last boyfriend. A little before we got together, my mind started to slow down. I started to feel things, but they just seemed like they were miscellaneously floating around. Knowing him, feeling him, and experiencing a feeling that’s distinctly and competitively contrasting from mine made separating them easier. We also talked about how we felt and perceived things. These insights were invaluable.

When I get premonitions, I get them in waves of threes. These premonitions are specific. Each premonition contains characters, my feelings, the other person’s feelings, a storyline, a visual aid, a distinct sense of time difference, a familiar but different version of me, etc. Three very similar premonitions hit me, and it’s usually about the same circumstance or person but different possibilities are presented. So I call these triple effect. I also have what I refer to as “triggers.” When I’m around someone, I get a premonition. But these premonitions I think only occur because of the proximity of being around that person and their energy. When I’m triggered because of their presence, the premonition is a lot vaguer. It’s usually just an image, still or close to still, very minimal movement. I refer to these as “flashes.” I may get a sense of feeling, but it’s minimal and simple. They aren’t complex and dynamic like the triple effects. I mostly see pictures. But what’s interesting is that in the triple effect, I feel like I’m watching it from an observer’s point of view. When it’s a flash, it feels like I’m experiencing it myself. But somehow I feel drawn out of it and see it from an outsider’s perspective. Interestingly enough, I think that occurs later, as if I’m re-entering the flash. There are other types of triggers, too. Sometimes a movie can cause a trigger. If a movie similarly conveys something that can happen in my future, it can cause a trigger. There’s also an energy ball that echoes. I may feel or sense something. Sometimes I may not sense something but I remember it differently from other things. When I talk about it, I make a tiny ball with my finger. I say that it’s like an energy or vibe I sense. Each time I feel it, the energy becomes bigger, brighter, clearer, and stronger. The more exposed I am to it, the better I start to understand it. Each time I feel the energy ball, it echoes what I felt before. The more I feel it, the more it ties together. I’m not sure I like the term “energy ball”, but it’s all I got.

I was telling a friend once that there are so many different types of people in this world, that there’s someone out there who shares the same belief system; we just have to find those people. He’s all about multiple girls, but he’s always been open about it. He used to hate it when girls would ask him if it was monogamous, but now he prefers to be open about it from the start. I told him that to me he felt conflicted and didn’t accept his own desires, so he wasn’t comfortable admitting it. But now that he knows what he wants, has embraced it, it’s easier for him to be open about it, and he attracts girls who are looking for the same thing. Whatever energy you possess is what you attract. I want to attract honest, open, real people. That’s why I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not anymore.

It’s more natural to be open and accepting about all of this. The less conflicted I am, the better I feel. I used to think that embracing this gift will make me unstable. At first the shift in differences did affect me, but now it works. I truly feel that it’s inevitable, so it’s best that I learn to navigate. I don’t want to jump into the water but maybe dip my feet in it.

Nothing That's Just Mine, Day 16

I feel like I’m running out of personal space. I have little to nothing that’s carved out that’s just mine. Work is like a giant energy ball that consumes me, which is good but overwhelming. I live in a living room and share that space with someone else. I have to share my friends and my time. There are worse things, I know. But that doesn’t make what I deal with any easier or manageable. My life is like sand. I hold onto it, but it just spills all over the place. No matter how much I try to hang on to or whatever I grab, it just slips through my fingers.

Bound to Crash, Day 15

I guess I'm bound to crash at some point. When I first created this blog, I really liked my philosophy, insights, and vision. I still believe in it, but I feel like I can't deliver that same essence and vibrancy. It's ironic because I actually told a friend that I write so much, as much as 20 times a day. Then poof! Nothing. I'm not always able to relate my life into writing and put it into words. That's probably a good thing.

If I see everything through words, what other senses can I use to understand my world? What other things will be left to sense? I created this blog as a way to find balance. I'm a dominant person. I have a strong presence. What many people don't realize is that I suffocate other aspects of who I am because my dominance takes over, and I want to change that. I've always preferred diversity and a dynamic environment. It never crossed my mind that I can be so single-minded that I've developed a narrow-minded understanding of things. I'm so open-minded that I think this is a reality many people fail to realize. Now that I know this it makes a lot of sense. I tend to attract people in my life that are opposites of me - visionaries, relaxed, kinder, gentler, more intelligent, tolerant, etc. Being exposed to something doesn't mean that I'm a part of that world. I think I like coming close to something that I feel I can't achieve myself.

I have five senses (sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste). The one I'm most connected to is sight. I rely so much on what I see, not what I feel, tangible or otherwise. I rely too much on my sight that it cripples me. Sometimes what you see is a lie. Sometimes what you perceive is a misconception. There's value in utilizing your other senses so that you can get a balanced perspective as much as possible. When you see something, it's also important to listen to what you're seeing. It creates a completely different effect for a reason. It's a reality that movies exploit for a reason because it's powerful. Yet I almost never seem to be aware of that. At best I see or I listen, but rarely do I do both. I'm afraid of touch because of how powerful it is. I only taste when I eat, and even then I barely do that nowadays. My sense of smell is practically doormat.

I think my entries will continue to become more stagnant and less insightful if I don't approach life in a more dynamic and open-minded way. Meditation will calm my mind down, allowing me to listen to something other than the incessant thoughts that plague me. Going back to cooking my own food will offer me the same benefit. Gardening will allow me to be closer to earth. Baking may be good for me to develop my sense of smell. The more you practice something, the more prepared you are. I don't want to do these things to improve but to expand these senses.

Transition, Day 14

For someone who dwells on the past and focuses more attention on the future than what's healthy, I realized that I never focus on the transition. When I reflect on who I was and how much I've changed, it makes me wonder why people were ever friends with me. I know that perspective is flawed and unhealthy. I've become a better person, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't worth being loved or deserving of any friendships I've developed.

I used to not have a cell phone and despised the idea of having one, despite how much I talked. The idea that people can contact me and throw my plan off because I didn't anticipate a phone call drove me mad. How unhealthy is that? There's definitely an appeal to not being accessible, but it would seriously upset me when I got a phone call. I didn't have much of a range. If I was upset, I was upset. I controlled it, but I always knew that my ranges should be milder at times.

I used to know everyone's schedule, so much so that if I didn't know someone's schedule, everyone was like what the fuck? It would weigh on me, which is sad. My ex tried to reassure me that I don't have to know everything, everyone's schedule. It's true, but I didn't know it for everyone else. I know they expected that from me, but I didn't do it for them; I did it for me. By knowing what their schedule was, I can quickly eliminate who isn't calling me. That comforted me. How disturbing. I'm finally able to manage the unpredictabilities of life. That's just one small aspect. It may not seem like a huge leap, but I swear it is.

Life is About Choices, Day 13

What I find interesting is that finding a truth I've resisted or somehow managed to overlook doesn't necessarily make things easier. I used to be certain that life would be so much easier if the following was like this blah blah blah. But as it turns out, life is a lesson. So when you figure something out, something new comes along to baffle us!

My life used to be a soap opera. I've been given a nickname Drama Mama. A friend said that drama is my stalker ex-boyfriend who won't leave me alone. It used to seem like anything that can get in the way did get in the way. I reacted to everything like it was a battle because it was presented like a battle. Instead of accepting or surrendering the circumstance, I fought it, which was actually appropriate at the time. But I've come to realize that life is about choices. In my case, the choices that exist sucks. Sometimes it's about picking your own poison. Not ideal but it is what it is.

I used to miss the edge I had when I was constantly combative. That strong presence and resistance I had. It used to feel like I only had one choice ahead of me, but I could choose whether I took that path or not. So there always were choices. But now life has become about the paradox of choice. Sometimes things are worth pursuing, sometimes they aren't. How do you know what the right choice is? If I wait and let the air guide me, what if it's too late?

Paradoxically Mellow and Rushed, Day 12

Yesterday I had a really good talk with my friend, which made me understand things I had some grasp for but not quite. I feel like I made a breakthrough and wanted to elaborate on it, but I have less than 30 minutes before the next day begins. I'm too spaced out to properly dedicate an entry for the follow-up thoughts from the night before. There's something more powerful when you've made a discovery about yourself and the significance resonates in your mind. Right now I feel slightly rushed because of the circumstance. It's a reflex reaction, but I feel calmer than I have in a while. If my mood is reflective of the weather, then it feels like understanding things calms me and the air slows down. I don't feel like I'm not talking out of my ass, but I don't feel like I'm making much sense, either. Oh well.....quota filled.

The Center of my Hurricane, Day 11

I went to a spiritual retreat last weekend. It's also around the same time my addictive personality manifested itself. It's been a while since that side of me has returned. I didn't feel receptive to the experience, which counterintuitively may have been why it was such an enriching one. I couldn't focus on most of what was expressed. The only times I was alert was when the message spoke to me. Had I not have selectively paid attention, though, I may not have received the details and depths I found.

Everyone seems to have such an opinionated idea to the key of relaxation, which is laughable in such a highly stressed society if it wasn't so tragic. I, as much as possible, listen to what everyone has to say because I truly believe in the value of hearing the insights of others, and I'm desperate to find the answer for myself. With that said, it seems like all of the suggestions I've heard are inapplicable for me, not incorrect but inapplicable for me and my purposes. Reducing drama and stress in one's life seems like such an obvious and logical course of action, but it doesn't work for me.

As much as I hate it, I attract drama into my life. In spite of what some people may think, I don't go looking for it. Drama has been described as my stalker ex-boyfriend who won't leave me alone. I've had to learn to accept that I can't control my environment; I most definitely can influence it, but I can't dictate it. I think I was a fucked up person in my past life, and I've carried over some karmic baggage from the past. But I finally feel like I'm coming close to paying off my debt. And yet I worry that it'll never truly go away, whatever that means. All I feel is that drama doesn't have to plague and haunt me like it has, but I highly doubt that it'll ever leave my life. So it makes sense that whatever method I use to achieve balance and harmony will incorporate the drama that exists in my life, rather than attempting to unsuccessfully remove it. I'm not being self-defeatist as I once believed I was. I'm finally just seeing and accepting my circumstance for what it is. I'm embracing it.

While this is exaggerated, my life is like a hurricane. Everything seems to spin out of control, and I try so hard to hang on. I can't see myself through all of this. All I see is everyone and everything else. I feel helpless and out of control. I want to do what I can to feel productive and beneficial. So in a selfish way, I help others to help satisfy the inner securities within myself. This, in turn, perpetuates the very cycle I try to escape. I want to avoid the drama, but I walk right into it and face it in an attempt to help others. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I lose. I'm rarely content after all has been said and done because my actions are nothing more than a distraction. And closing my eyes to my spinning world just makes everything even more terrifying. Hanging on hasn't worked, but it's all I know how to do. It's a fear mechanism.

I've heard people say let go, and that's never felt right to me before for a number of reasons. I didn't feel the intent or relate to its message. And the idea of "letting go" of whatever it is that I'm hanging onto that's keeping me from thrashing in my emotional and metaphorical hurricane sounds dangerous, illogical, and risky. It is dangerous and, therefore, risky. That certainly makes it illogical, but logic doesn't always apply in emotional settings, something I'm starting to understand. So those very cerebral adjectives, as "legitimate" as they are have no grounding in this context. In fact, it's no more dangerous and risky than prolonging my imminent fate.

By letting go, I have an opportunity to find the center of my hurricane. A hurricane is a chaotic circular energy that's constant, unpredictable, and harmful. But in the very center exists balance, a harmonizing opposite. That's what I have to find, the center of my hurricane. Someone at the spiritual retreat briefly mentioned in passing that the center of a hurricane is calm. That spoke to me, and I knew that it was meaningful in my search to discover myself, but it didn't feel complete. It began to today.

My friend and the most laid-back person I know expressed some obvious but profound statements that defined my reality, my identity and re-shaped my perspective into something more evolved. Sometimes what others share with me about their own lives is relateable to my own. Writing releases the thoughts circulating in your mind. That must be why I love writing so much and why I feel uncomfortable when I don't write as much as I'd like. But when writing 20 pages isn't adequate enough for me, clearly it's time that I make other improvements and modifications in my life.

Meditation is a popular choice. I've tried it, but I've never felt like I achieved the same benefits as others because I didn't, and it's possible that I never will. When I've tried breathing exercises in the past, I would get lightheaded and my pupils begin to dialate. That freaked me, so I quickly stopped. I still remember how ashamed, embarrassed, frustrated, and cheated I felt that I couldn't even safely perform the very thing that's supposed to relax me. It felt like such an unfair punishment and extreme road block. I associated the lightheadedness and pupil dialation to drug inducement, which made me think of the harm, so I stopped. In all honesty, though, another reason why I stopped is because not feeling like I wasn't in control frightened me and in a twisted way, I enjoy(ed) the stress. It's something I know, something I'm good at, something that's entertaining, something I identify with, something that's just mine, something that defines me....

My perspective was disturbed and single-minded. I thought drug bad. But my friend clarified and reminded me that most drugs are plants, and they're meant to put us in an altered state, a deeper state, that helps us understand things. It's not meant to be something we should become co-dependent on. Most people need drugs to achieve that state. I have the ability to achieve an altered form of reality without the use of drugs. That's not something I should fear; it's something I should embrace but with caution. It isn't wise to avoid it because it's made me avoid breathing regularly. So as intense as it is for me, in order for me to find my balance which happens to be inside of a hurricane, I have to face what I fear, even if it is mascerating as a negative connotation - an altered state of mind most commonly achieved through drug inducement.

I've considered the drug aspect of my reaction before, but my mind focused on the damage it does for the body. I never delved deeper into the fact that that's how hallucinogenetics work and what it helps some people achieve. I'm less concerned about what I can gain from achieving that level now. In fact, I feel like being aware of this and knowing that I'm scared of it, I might be able to meditate without going through that. I'm just relishing the fact that I'm no longer opposed to doing something so powerful and paradoxically quite possibly overpowering in a way that'll force me to surrender control, which I think will help me manage my stress better.

One of the things I think I've always known is that I've suppressed the inner pisces within me so to speak. Pisces can be extremely caring, compassionate, and clairvoyant or psychic. I used to read that and think that's most certainly not me. Now I still read certain things about my sign and feel that way, but the above information does apply to me. It always has, but I've suppressed and ignored it. I'm finally accepting myself for who I am, and I'm better for it. I used to be terrified by the idea of anyone discovering that I have premonitions because I thought they would think I'm crazy. As if I'm not!

I've learned to become a little more comfortable in my own skin thanks to my toxic but life changing ex-boyfriend. It also helped that my friend who also happens to be my ex, too, helped me accept this side of me when he shares with me what he sees me see. How invasive and awkwardly comforting is that when your ex-boyfriend is in your head? That's totally crazy, right? Some people don't try to suppress their powers. They just don't use it. I feel like I'm meant to use it, like I'm supposed to when I'm ready. I think some of the people closest to me feel that way, too. The fact that I reach an altered state when I meditate for a brief amount of time is evidence enough for me. Right now all I want to focus on is digging my feet into the earth where I can be grounded when the water is ready to knock me down when the wind isn't trying to tear me to shreads. Breath, it's a powerful tool. It's necessary to help us manage these difficulties as they approach us. I think I've been more connected to the air element that I initially realized. I just didn't know what it was then. Isn't that something

A Series of "Randomness", Day 10

I began this entry with the following sentence: "I know that I've already fulfilled my entry requirement for the day, but I'm inspired to blog again." Then I looked at the time and realized that it's already the next day. I had an interesting yesterday. I went to a free tai chi class. My friend and I were the only new students, so the instructor was kind enough to set us aside and show us the technique. Afterwards we had plans to go our own separate ways, but we were going the same direction. Someone was walking behind us, and my friend was impressed by how discreet he was. Eventually he walked ahead of us, and I sped up to him. Coincidentally, it looked like I was following him because I was walking a long distance shortly behind him. He asked me if I was following him, commenting that he's seen guys follow girls but not the other way around. I told him not unless he was going to the same coffee shop as me. 

Apparently he's never been there and was surprised that someone was friendly towards him because he hasn't been able to make friends during the two years that he's lived here. I actually had the same experience when I first moved out here. It took me a good two years until I made friends, and I'm a friendly and social person. I've been described as I would die if I don't socialize, and even I've found difficult. I love the people in my life now and the people I attract. They're amazing. I suggested that he check out this coffee shop because it's eclectic, artsy, and attracts some really social and friendly people. There are studious students, travelers, artists, coffee addicts, etc. They promote different artists every month. Sometimes they have a live band. There's hookah out back. There are couches. It's a great balance of socializing and enough discretion to focus on your studies. Every time I go there, I always meet someone new. This guy met six new people and easily bonded with everyone. 

He seemed so happy and at home. I'm glad that I was able to offer him that. It's all about knowing where to go. I just find how this friendship developed to be really interesting. My friend commented on how he seemed to come out by surprise. That brief encounter wasn't memorable at all, but we actually interacted again later. He bonded with some new people. I found a new friend. Life works in marvelous ways. 

Speaking of marvelous, I met another new friend a couple days ago through a mutual friend. He actually gives shiatsu massages and asked if he can practice on me for free of charge because he wants to keep practicing. What an amazing offer, right? He's asking me as though it's a favor to him, which I'm sure it is. I quickly developed an altruistic relationship with him. I'm such a tense person, and this is amazing for me. I would be more than willing to pay him, but I don't have any money. He knew that immediately and didn't mind at all, but I offered to buy him groceries at the farmer's market. Since I work at one, I can easily be more generous. He was so grateful especially since he was offering this for free. It works out great for both of us. I'm glad that I can offer him something that's affordable and one he'll appreciate. He's grateful to have someone he can practice his art on. I love the people I attract into my life. I've been presented with affordable opportunities, altruistic friendships, and positive energy I want to be around. 

Bursting with Emotions, Day 9

^_^ Hello everyone or Urban Buddha 1602! I'm bursting with emotions! I have to clean a corner to utilize. I've actually procrastinated on it, and I used to love cleaning! I mean like truly love it in an intoxicating, liberating, drug inducing sort of way. But I felt discouraged by it recently. The last guy I was with helped me in ways he'll never know. My OCD used to be such an unhealthy crutch, and I never realized that before because it was so mild compared to normal. Plus everyone just assumed my OCD was part of my personality, not a disorder I sustain. My ex was trying to help me learn to function without relying on it so much.

We both knew that it's a part of me, one I wasn't intending on removing nor would that be beneficial. With that said, though, I wasn't being healthy about it, either. I've become a little more unstable and uncomfortable until I had to learn how to operate without it. It's a fair trade, but since then I've become less interested in cleaning so obsessively. I realized how unhealthy it was when I deliberately didn't call him for a few days just so I can be consumed with cleaning. We had briefly talked about going to the beach, and I chose to not call with the justification in mind that it wasn't established. He can call me if he wants.

I was so incredibly selfish and out of line with him. It's in my nature to be distrustful. I do it with almost everyone. I initially formulate a hidden agenda behind everyone's behavior in a reflex sort of way, but I quickly discard it. That isn't to say that it doesn't cross my mind, though. Since I felt so vulnerable and exposed with him, my "reflex" kicked in a lot more. I realized that I channeled my OCD towards him and questioning his motives until I drove him away. I'll never be okay with how things turned out. Years will pass, and I'll never make peace with the fact that he entered my life to be nothing more than a learned lesson. Okay, that's disrespectful and completely trivializing the role he played in my life. But I feel like he came into my life to be hurt so that I can learn, grow, and evolve. He's touched my life and pierced a hole in my soul so that I can feel, see, and experience something amazing. And what did I do in return? Hurt him because the vulnerability of a developing love was too intense and emotional for me. I know everything happens for a reason, and I truly believe that it was meant to happen this way. We could've stayed together had I have acted differently, but I wouldn't have grown in that circumstance. But I'll never accept that he practically prepped me for the next guy, and the trade was my growth for his heart. I'll never be okay with how things turned out, but it did turn out that way.

Just as my friend realized this so have I- he was there to help me through the process of finding "me". The closest I've ever come to the earth element was with his assistance. The earth element is grounding. It's a deep element that goes beyond anything than the other elements can ever obtain because of their constantly flowing nature. The earth element evolves, grows, and transforms just like the other elements, but it's still at times, motionless.

And as I read these lines, I realized that this entry took an entirely different tone and turn than I had originally planned. So back on track....I guess I just wanted to provide a background story about my OCD transitions and I elaborated on the journey. The time came today to tackle cleaning. It's inevitable. I began not being too enthused by it. I told a friend who remembered how dangerously obsessed I was with cleaning. I told him about my ex and his influence on my OCD. He said that my ex was weird because he had a problem with me being on my hands and knees. Pervert! Anyways, I realized that my obsessive nature still exists in me and still has a powerful effect over me. It's just that I was on my period, so I felt a little off. But I still love cleaning! I'm excited and invigorated by it, as well as enlightened by it.

I must be careful to not overdo it. I WILL take precautionary measures because as much as I enjoy cleaning and indulging myself, I've realized how self-destructive it is and, more importantly, how destructive, toxic, and painful it can be for the people I care about. A really good friend of mine once told me that it's important I see myself for who I truly am, beautiful, because the voices that haunt me now will only become louder as time passes. He worried for me that I won't learn on my own, that something bad will have to happen for me to want to change. He was right. I sabotaged my chance with the only guy I was with who I could've fallen in love with and hurt him for me to want to change. How twisted is that?

Tonight I'm going to take my first t'ai chi lessons. I hope I find benefit in it. I'm sure it'll be painful and rigorous, although I don't think I truly know that now, but if I find value in it, I'll commit to it. I feel bad because I used to go folk dancing with my friend, but I'm sure he'll understand. He realized that he needs folk dancing more than t'ai chi. He's made his choice, just as I've made my own. For him, the energy of other people, being close to them emotionally and physically, seeing everyone work together, and socializing is a necessary bonding experience for him. I, on the other hand, have to find comfort in discovering myself without the presence and energy of others. I have to harness something that I know exists in me. T'ai chi can offer me that. I don't need discipline or patience in my life, but I do need to make myself a priority and commit to working towards something even if I don't see an immediately productive benefit behind it. Sometimes it's just the journey I have to take. Let the air guide me.

My Learning Experience, Day 8

The past two days have felt a lot more cluttered than the preceding days since I’ve began this blog. I contrasted between my addictive personality manifesting itself and showing me how even the most insignificant of things affect me in immeasurable ways to feeling a little float less. As my mind wandered and was unable to focus yesterday, I jotted down a lot of notes channeling my addictive nature into something productive and positive.

Today I was lucky enough to hang out with one of my closest friends from high school. I haven’t seen him in 10 years. There’s something different about seeing people in person. You know how sometimes so much time goes by, but it seems like no time passed? That’s the kind of friendship we have. Sometimes reality would hit us and we’d realize how unaware we are about the recent activities of each other’s lives, but we still know each other really well; we just don’t know what the other person has been up to. The details of what we don’t know or haven’t fully realized became clear when we saw each other in person.

I apparently have pronounced frown lines that become emphasized when I frown. Duh concept I know but apparently in a noteworthy sort of way. I don’t usually feel old or young. I just feel like me and don’t care too much about the opinion of others, but that’s because most peoples’ opinions aren’t as important to me. The exceptions became clear today until my logic kicked in. It’s not that I look so old as much as ten years has gone by since he’s seen me! Of course I’m bound to look different!

It was fun and cool hanging out with him even though nothing we had planned seemed to have occurred. We got lost, reached the hiking trail, and left after mosquitoes attacked him and stalked him into the car until we went to grab a bite to eat. He was skeptical about the idea of me hiking because he wasn’t able to convince me to walk two blocks in the past. I knew that I would ruin my skirt (my other clothes are in storage), so I wore my long skirt. I wouldn’t want anything happening to my shorter skirts! I assumed it would get damaged from hiking, a consequence I was grudgingly willing to accept. Somehow my skirt’s slit was unraveling without the hike. We had talked about going makeup shopping because he’s amazing with colors, which he demonstrated as he observed my uneven tan lines! Since time was running out, I wanted to skip Sephora and head straight to Borders which was an afterthought. We almost went to my favorite sushi restaurant, Genkai, because we didn’t get to do the hiking trail, which I was so excited about, but that didn’t happen either.

Was I bummed out that these planned events didn’t occur? Of course, I’m still me. But I was able to accept them comfortably, which surprised me especially considering how emotionally fragile I thought I was since yesterday’s relapse. We actually talked about my fiery nature. That part of me still exists and probably always will because it was such a powerful force in my past, but I feel more watery now. I’m emotional in a way that’s led by compassion and care than pain and anger. However, today’s experience felt more like the air element. The day’s plan just drifted as time passed, while the earth felt like it was moving beneath us or maybe that was just time escaping us as the little time we had remaining seemed to get sucked into an evil portal of getting lost.

My Addictive Manifestation, Day 7

I feel like I'm racing against time as I fill with unwarranted rage and frustration. My addictive personality manifested itself today but was distracted at a spiritual retreat that I couldn't properly focus on and the company of good friends. My incessant nature quickly returned as the next day is ticking away as I type these words. My mind is racing. My mental state, unstable. A spark begins to ignite a flame I try hard to paralyze. But all I am now is filled with anger. I'm consumed by a fiery element that's stunting my ability to use words to express my emotions properly. I feel disconnected to what I'm typing in a way I haven't felt since I've began this blog.

In every entry before this one, I felt connected to it as though a part of my essence went into it. I feel nothing from this as if my soul is empty. My toxic anger spread like fire and evaporated my soul because there was no room for both. Too detached to hate how I feel, while knowing how unfounded my feelings are. My addictive state of mind is perpetuating displaced anger and frustration. I worry that this entry won't be posted before this end's day because I wasted my time listening to a poem that I wasn't receptive to because of my desire to fulfill this project I've committed to. As I've mentioned earlier, I feel too empty to feel guilty for being upset about having to be a part of that when I didn't ask for it and expressed specific interest to do exactly what I am doing now. I can appreciate my friend wanting to include me in something that's important to him, but it went against what I desire, something that was expressed. Instead I impatiently waited for words to reach dead ears because all I thought about was this toxic entry.

What a day I've had. I woke up to text slams and an unsatisfying morning walk that I normally find to be grounding because of the overload of cars that invaded the private streets I usually leisure at. I came home to fill my wish list on amazon and etsy with unnecessary products that any cart can choke on. I remember thinking that it's been a long time since I've been this unproductively focused. I was filled with a sense of mindless devotion to the task at hand and a mixed feeling of wrongness as my stomach gnawed at me. Half the day went by without me eating because my time was consumed with such pointless task until I became obsessed with the idea of hiking.

I called a friend to see if he wanted to go. Instead we made plans to go to a spiritual retreat. I told him that I didn't really feel like I had to go hiking especially since I'll be going tomorrow, but I have this mentality that I have to go hiking. Such an obvious and profound conclusion was shared with me. I want to get away. Why? I don't know. Perhaps it's the premonitions that was filling in my head the night before while I was watching Orphan, or the idea of my next move before this current one is even complete. I'm not sure what plagued me, but I wanted an escape.

Earlier in the day I found the spiritual retreat to not be quite what I had expected but more beneficial than I feel it is now as I feel less receptive in my given state. I was in a self-seeking mood when the tone of this meeting was resembling more of a council meeting with one person talking as a well-intentioned person unhelpfully interrupted in an attempt to help me no less, making the presentation choppy. My concentration was flying like a kite, floaty and uncontrolled until something captivated my attention as the next topic proceeded. I only found it appealing when it applied to me. I suppose that's how it works for everyone, but I realized how superficially self-centered I was. I suspect that if I didn't go there without a selfishly perceived notion of how the experience was going to be I may have reacted differently.

It's interesting how a simple turn of events can influence a person's emotional state greatly and alter our perception of what had already happened. I can tell that I'm just going through a phase. While I may not have been happy with some circumstances today, that's no different any other day. I've never experienced a single day that I didn't wish was different somehow some way. It's how we react to them that I find crucial. Today my addictive personality is fueling my stubbornness and taking everything out of proportion as I singlemindedly feel how I feel. Logically, I know it's inaccurate. Emotionally, I know it's wrong. Mentally, I know it's unhealthy. But in me this is how I feel, frustrated and angered as the wind blows by and I can feel is the fire drying my otherwise splashy emotions.

I Don't Know How To Feel, Day 6

Sometimes I'm not sure how to feel or what to think. I know that feelings can't always be confined to explanations. Emotions aren't always explainable. That's the point, but I don't always find peace in that. Some things in life are worth waiting for. But how do you know when it is? I'm usually so used to pushing for what I want that I have no experience in passivity. Maybe that's not the right word. I feel like passivity can be interpreted as a derogatory word, and that's not how I meant it. What I'm trying to express is that I'm beginning to slowly realize that pushing for things isn't always the way to go. But I also feel that you have to work towards what you want and waiting around for things to occur when you can make them happen is the mentality of a spoiled brat. On some level I know I'm being singleminded. Sometimes you have to let shapeless things form.

The earth evolved over time, not by defining itself but by allowing the air and water to travel to its unestablished destination to make it what it is today (among a bunch of other scientifically advanced and complicated factors that I won't elaborate on). I'm starting to discover that the reason why I may not trust people so much is because I don't let people show me. I'm too busy doing everything myself to allow anyone the chance to prove to me that I don't have to do everything myself. Yet I worry that if I don't control the outcome, opportunities that I can ensure will never come to pass. Then again, I wonder how much I deserve it if it's not handed to me. Sometimes I should just let the wind blow and travel its own course.

I'm not impatient, but I have symptoms of impatience because of my productivity. If I feel that something isn't productive, I tend to focus my energy elsewhere. But by being so singleminded and quickly judgmental, I may not allow for elements to develop. I do believe that some things are worth waiting for, but I also believe that waiting can be a waste of time. Why allow destiny to make decisions for me when I can do it myself? I suppose that's the answer I seek. And the only way to learn this answer is to allow destiny to make decisions for me. Entering the abyss of the unknown......

My Process of Thought, Day "5"

EXPLANATION: I'd like to take the time to express why I missed a day of blogging especially so early into the development of this project. I didn't forget, nor was I being intentionally neglectful. I deliberately left my laptop at work last night during the day, while completing forgetting about this blog because I tend to blog at night. I was in my daytime mode. After reading what I wrote, I realize that my behavior isn't excusable, but I feel compelled, nonetheless, to provide an explanation for my actions or lack of. And I had already thought about my topic, too! Darn!

My intellectual process and operation is lost on me. I know I'm an intelligent person. My intelligence has been assessed and measured through tests, which frankly I find useless at times. But, most importantly, I demonstrate it on a regular basis. One of the two things people observe about me quickly is how talkative I am and that I'm a bright individual. I come to conclusions in rapid fast speed, yet I'm confounded by the components that make up the conclusion, the conclusions I came up with! How does that even make sense? What I think sometimes has to be explained to me. It doesn't bode well.

I actually asked a friend once if he thought I was an idiot because I feel like we spend hours trying to get me to understand even the most basic of elements. While I don't think I'm special ed, I wouldn't blame him for thinking so. He actually revealed to me that he felt quite the opposite. He said that he thinks I'm too quick for my own good, which is I'm unable to follow. I get to my destination without being able to observe how I got there because everything is moving so quickly. Another friend once told me that I'm subconsciously so much smarter than I consciously realize, and I think they're both correct. Subconscious I'm processing the information, but on a conscious level, I'm not aware of it. There are too many disconnects or too many things I don't fully understand. I think that's why common sense and basic elements are lost on me because those are simple and not meant to be processed quickly.

I don't like this paradoxical state that I'm in. I demonstrate signs of high intelligence, while I'm unable to function at a basic level. I'm always moving so quickly that I can't enjoy anything around me. It affects me emotionally, intellectually, and physically. Since the disconnect seems to occur between my subconscious and conscious mind, I think it's time I finally truly begin meditation. It's through meditation that I hope to "communicate" with my subconscious and open the gateway between the portals of my subconscious and conscious mind. Maybe then I'll be able to find the missing link. Everything has to work as a unity for it to function properly. It's possible to operate with only a few elements just as I had most of my life. I lead with fire or water elements, but I never incorporated air and earth. Just as I have to incorporate all of the elements - air, earth, fire, and water, I must incorporate everything so that my process of thought will be better-rounded.