Greetings

I just got back from my lunch break and discovered my soap opera, Days of Our Lives, is no longer airing! :'( Perhaps a cable channel will or has already picked it up, and I'm just unaware of it. But it was rather odd. I remember watching it as a child, being intrigued because Marlena was possessed by a demon. Yes a character in an American soap opera was possessed by a demon and the evil character was the head Exorcist. LOL! How crazy was I to be pulled in during those episodes! How much you wanna bet those episodes were desperately aired as ideas were running dry and probably around the time most people abandoned the show until it "normalized" or the soap opera version of normalized, whatever that is...

This is the second day in a row that I forgot to bring my lunch after making a huge batch with the intent to save $. -_____- Yesterday I got a triple deck sandwich with a fruit salad for $8. Considering the proportions, I was satisfied with the cost until I returned to the break room and found my co-worker wisely assembling a sandwich that looked eerily similar to mine... Today he encouraged me to do the same thing, and I just might. Since I keep forgetting to bring my lunch, I might as well keep a food supply here especially since I remember to bring snacks to contribute to the snack stash.

That'll be money responsibly spent. I'm thinking whole wheat bread, deli slices, some fruits such as bananas, tangerines, apples, hummus, celery, carrots, and the sorts. Also mixed salad bags and a jar of homemade vinaigrette. I'll fill a canning jar with it and I can quickly toss my greens in there and yank them out. That'll last me a while.

I'm also going to start buying stuff at drugstore.com cuz I can get 12% cash back through ebates.com. Since I don't drive, it's always such a drag to buy these items anyways and when I'm cheap, the commute time's a bitch. But with 12% cash back and careful purchases, I can make it work. Way better than wasting the two free days I have. This will also give me an opportunity to add to my first aid kit.

My Revised Ideology

I know I went from promising to write daily to doing a disappearing act. I have expressed some hesitation about writing daily cuz I worried that I wouldn't deliver meaningful entries. But there I go again feeding into the power of my insecurities. I'm one of those people who undermine my ability and potential, so the idea of not writing daily cuz I fear I won't write well isn't a very good defense. I'll never know until I tire. And what if I write everyday and not all of it is profound? Should I only limit my efforts to guaranteed success? How I'd be denying myself if I did that. Besides there's no way to know what kind of results I produce until I actually do it.

However I don't want to ignore these thoughts or else I'll just yo-yo between my actions, and I don't want that, either. No one said if I wrote daily that I can't write profound things, too. A few days out of the week when I'm inspired, I can write elsewhere or even here. I 'm perceiving this practice as though it's only one or the other, and it doesn't have to be.

This weekend rather than going out while the sun was shining, I stayed home. I slept most of Saturday, catching up on the rest I clearly needed. I'm sure if I had woken up, I would've been more productive. But the fact that I fell asleep so quickly showed how desperate my body was for rest. I felt more rejuvenated on Sunday. I spent that day art journaling. I enjoyed it, but it's amazing how exhausting filling a page with less than 20 pictures was for me. Maybe it's cuz I don't use my brain creatively enough.

I've been unmotivated to read lately or even write. So for now I'm going to let my mind wander cuz forcing myself to do something I'm unreceptive to will get me nowhere except an overwhelming feeling of guilt and inadequacy. Eventually my desire to write and read will return. Even without a strong desire to write, I'm doing it now with ease. See, things are already looking up. :)

Hello World!

I know I made a commitment to blog 5 days a week and I was absent yesterday, but I was instructed to not go on any personal sites for the day at work. My boss' boss was visiting. But she's gone now, and I can resume my daily blogging and internet activities. The perv in me found that to be suggestive. :/ Horrible, just horrible.

Yesterday was a beautiful and warm day. I went to the farmer's market during my lunch break and got my favorite hummus selection. It was great to go outside and not require a coat. Even when I got off work, the weather was calm and weathered perfectly. I talked to a friend and hopefully we're going to watch Secret World of Arrietty this weekend. I'm so excited! I'm also looking forward to buying cherimoyas at the farmer's market this weekend. CHERIMOYAS!!!

Today's payday and I'm contemplating whether I want to buy a slow cooker or not. I probably should. It totally fits my lifestyle and currently lazy habits. The truth is I'm going to do it eventually, but I'll hesitant on actually spending money. Although I've now decided that I'm going to buy it because I came into some money for my birthday! Yipee! :D Slow cooker, it is!

Man, I feel so boring. I guess that's the problem with blogging daily is I do it to fulfill a requirement; I don't necessarily wait until I'm inspired and flooded with thoughts.

When Will You Know?

I've discovered that the question, "when will you know" is an insightful way to see if how receptive and compatible I am with someone. I have a perpetual duality in me that keeps me diverse and open-minded since I'm forced to see both sides, but it also puts me in frustrating situations cuz I surround myself with people I fit with in some ways and not others. Although that's the case for everyone. But it feels more highlighted in my experience or it just affects me more cuz this is when it becomes most apparent for me.

I don't like confines and I like to be liberated. So I can understand why not everyone enjoys making plans cuz it reduces the amount of room for freedom and change to form. Keeping things ambiguous shelters you from restrictions. But asking questions of specificity isn't a warning that I'm attempting to suffocate you into fixed schedules! I don't like that such a common question triggers such insinuations! Especially from people I've known for a while cuz they should know me to be supportive and accomodating to thier lifestyles. If you've accepted me into your life cuz I understand how you are and I've never made you feel confined before, please keep that in mind the second your false alarm goes off that I might be trying to confine you... Just saying.

I suppose instead of saying "when will you know?" I should I ask when do you THINK you'll know? But most people who are put off by my question don't notice such distinctions, although in the future I'll try to include those extra words. I don't want to filter out signs that should reflect I'm trying to be considerate but I require information that affects me. While I'm making clarifications, I should explain in what circumstances I ask this question. It's not like I ask a guy I'm with when will you know whether you want me to be your girlfriend or not. That blows!

But if we mention in passing that we might hang out tonight, maybe, based on the outcome of something such as work responsibilities or whatever, don't be so surprised or suspicious that I'm trying to trap you. Maybe I'm just trying to plan, which you may not like, but not everyone shares your distaste. If things are up in the air, I won't hold it against you if things don't go according to plan. But I certainly don't want to sit around waiting mindlessly only for things to not work out when there's a possibility that you could've given me insight. I'll determine whether I'm willing to keep my schedule open for you.

If I'm asking for specifics, you're probably worth it. And this is the case for anyone and especially more so towards friends. So when I'm involved with someone and they express an apparent distaste for my specific inquiries as though I'm trying to trap them in a relationship, it's frustrating cuz I find I'm unable to convince someone in that mindset the truth. I ask everyone when will you know if uncertainties exist cuz I don't drive! I have to plan things! And most people I know go with the flow, so hang outs not happening aren't the end of the world for me. And I don't know is an acceptable answer and far more appreciated than "You know I don't like to plan things. You're suffocating me with these specific questions!" Ugh!

Clearing the air by giving perspective and insight into how this person isn't as important as others who I also ask these types of questions to are both pointless and ineffective. Just say I don't know! I think people who get upset by my question are more frustrated with the fact that they don't know the answer than my actual inquiry cuz they're so into their own thoughts. Besides these same people demonstrate an interest for specifics. The more I analyze it, the more I realize how irrelevant it is. They know I'm not trying to suffocate anyone. And they aren't receptive to the reassurance that I'm not trying to trap anyone.

Oddly enough this isn't something I'm currently struggling with cuz I don't want anyone reading this to worry that I'm going through something. I just remembered it cuz I asked a friend when will you know and he was receptive and gave me an estimate. He knows that if his estimate was inaccurate or it doesn't work out that I won't hold it against him cuz he's naturally aware. Not everyone is and it can cause a problem. I'd like to surround myself with people who understand this about me. I'm understanding to a fault. If I think I'll cause any sort of friction, I retreat and I sacrifice a lot of personal happiness in the process. I do all that and then to get accused of trying to change someone is insulting!

Sometimes Things Just Flow

The evening started off not like planned. I didn't get picked up from work by my friend, and everyone arrived much later than expected. I also had a few who didn't make it. But the presence of those who visited made my birthday a wonderful experience. I'm at a place in my life where meaningful experiences, genuine friendships, and spiritual connections have deeper meaning and greater priority than PARTY! So it felt more like a good hang out than a birthday get together which is exactly what I wanted cuz it made things so natural. It also worked out well cuz I was planning to only serve finger food which wouldn't have satiated our appetites. Sometimes things don't work out and creates an opportunities that are more conducive to the environment that what was initially planned.

I'm Glowing!!!!

It's my birthday!!!! This is the first time in my life EVER that I've been excited about my birthday! I'm 28 years old today! I'm not that old, but I've wasted way too many years not being excited about my birth and I'm changing that this year! :) I couldn't be any happier! I bought a blueprint for my astrological chart which also includes numerology. It wasn't quite as informative as I would've liked, but I've finally reached a point in my life where these things have become a priority for me. It's always fascinated me but actually immersing myself in it was something I hesitated in the past.

I'm really excited about tonight. But I started my birthday immediately! My friend picked me up and arrived with flowers! <3 I now have decorations for my gathering tonight! And he made me mimosas. I'm a freak and take pictures of food, drinks, and all things pretty! He remembered he had umbrella parasols and pulled a purple one out for me! And he got me a purple teakettle!!! PURPLE!!! I'm so ecstatic! It's my first birthday present of the year! Not that I require gifts, and I totally wasn't expecting one. So it means the world to me! We had a really good chat and such a fun time! "I'M A HERO!!!!" It was a funny inside joke. He was beng so tolerant to my demands today. I wanted to go back cuz I forgot to bring my journal, so we went back to my place. He made me lunch for today.

On Saturday, I found a journal on clearance at Michael's. My co-worker was pleased since she didn't tolerate me buying it full price. But I'm desperate for a journal to clear my mind, and sometimes it's just not worth waiting for a discounted price when I feel mentally tormented. I also bought colored markers which will make art journal much easier! Colored pencils are exhausting for me to use, and I'm not really feeling painting at this time. Best part? It was 40% off baby! What a steal? I also went to the library and borrowed books on art journaling, chakras, and book writing.

I had plans to go to an event I found online. I was within blocks when I decided to change my plans for no apparent reason. It just felt like the right thing to do. As it turns out, the event didn't even take place. When I arrived at the library I saw a notice that advertised Feeling Crafty? And I wanted to go to the library with the intent to look through art journaling! I also bought a customized perfumed body oil at an affordable price. Yayayayayay!

Sunday was a little different. I got some clarity which is beneficial and heard some things I didn't want to hear but suspected to a degree. I'm grateful to have people in my life who are patient, understanding, tolerant, and caring enough to me to be there for me and explain things even when I'm sure it's not the most pleasant task to make sure I'm okay. No matter what happens, I'm grateful for the people who entered my life.

Random Thoughts

Maybe this daily writing isn't working cuz rather than waiting for thoughts to marinade, I fill the pages with random thoughts just so I do something everyday. What's the point of doing something everyday if the results aren't adequate? I guess I'm developing discipline, but not quite in the way I wanted to. I feel like a lonely receptionist cuz I end up having lunch alone because everyone else leaves at the same time. Then I'm stuck watching the front desk. It's expected considering my job, but it leaves me feeling alone. Everyone goes to lunch with someone but me. It gets lonely.

I have a lot of friends, but sometimes I feel so alone as if I don't have any. My friends are usually so busy that I'm unable to just pick up the phone to spend the day with them. I have one friend I can do that with, but even that's become routine and limited to certain days. I'm trying to be understanding that sometimes people are busy or get into a funk. When you're financially constrained or have car problems, it makes hanging out difficult. Not everyone's willing to just go carless.

It'll be my birthday on Monday and I wonder if anyone outside of fb friends who get notified will remember. I'm having a small gathering and I'm still not sure everyone can make it. I wonder if my mom and brother will remember if it's my birthday and give me a call. It'd be nice to hear from them. I really wanna watch Secret World of Arrietty tonight. I never feel like watching movies at full price, but it's been a while since I've had that movie experience and it'd be a nice pre-birthday treat. I doubt I can even find someone to go with, though.

I could care less about getting a year older, but I don't like the circumstance attached to my age. I'm now at an age where older guys feel comfortable hitting on me. I feel like I've made progress on keeping that sort of energy away, but it makes me wonder how I'm supposed to make friends. I don't like the idea that guys that are too old try to "bag" me cuz they want to recapture their youth, and although they sense my distance, they're desperate to proceed. It doesn't make me feel good. Even worse, they seem to be the only guys giving me attention except it's unwelcome.

I just found out that one of my co-workers, the only one who I feel I could've developed a friendship with quit. We had plans to go shopping today. I guess I can't blame a stranger for not informing me when it's not that imperative to let me know, and she's dealt with a lot - her grandmother's death, being really sick, the most ridiculous commute time ever, and a sexist supervisor that's overworked her. I hate feeling like this cuz I'm whiny. I try to regulate myself with understanding perspectives, but it leaves me feeling left out and alone. This job isn't good for my social and emotional self-esteem. I sit alone all day and when lunch rolls around, I sit alone eating at my desk. There's worse and I know that. But it doesn't change the fact that it leaves me feeling so horrible.

Blogger's pissing me off. I can't post recipes without a bunch of spaces between each line, and I don't know how to reverse it. The settings are the way they should be.