Felt I Should Drop In

I feel so neglectful. Not having internet has a greater impact on me than I realized and yet less than I had feared. The problem with not having internet at my fingertips is that when I'm most inspired to blog, I don't. Using a computer with internet just becomes this chore and all I want to do is to just facebook and catch up on hours of TV shows that I don't really like because I've felt so deprived and I find myself trying to cram hours of TV into less than hour. Ugh! I can't even do any justice. I had a great epiphany about music and I'm so ecstatic about it but I refuse to butcher that discovery and beauty now in my mentally frazzled state.

A Lonely Thanksgiving? Or an Independent and New Tradition?

Thanksgiving always reminds me of my past and relationships. I was with a guy for over five years and Thanksgiving was a huge deal for us because it was the first Holiday we could afford. I was never very close with my family and being Asian, Thanksgiving was never a celebrated Holiday so I was really excited when I made Asian friends who were excited about celebrating it because they've either never had turkey or never get to enjoy it. It was a lot of fun for me. But ever since that relationship has ended, a myriad of reasons have prevented me from celebrating it the way I used to.

Even after we broke up, two years later, we still celebrated together with our friends. He doesn't want to have to do with me anymore ever since he realized that he was still in love with me and it was difficult to have a relationship with someone he really liked. Or so that's what a mutual friend revealed. I can't really be sure. I'm definitely over my ex, but he was a really good friend and because he was a part of my life even after the break-up, I get sad that we're not friends anymore.

And I realized today that I haven't spent Thanksgiving alone since then. I spent it with the guy I was dating last year and his family. This year I really wanted to visit my family. It's not the family I was born into but the people I consider my family. I was devastated when I realized I was working Friday and unable to make it.

So now two days before Thanksgiving and I have no plans. It's sad but I guess this is what I wanted. I wanted to move out and discover what it was like to be with just me. What better way to get intimate with myself than to spend the one Holiday that's filled with social festivities for me? It'll really reveal who I am to myself. I'm just going to have to get used to being by myself.

I Want to Create Colorful Memories :)

I know I've been neglectful blogging, but I've been busy procrastinating unpacking, recovering from an injury, then a cold, becoming re-acquainted with my OCD....you know that kind of stuff. But I'm doing great. There are finally no more boxes at my place, just small amounts of clutter that have to be designated and organized. If only that would be the end, though...I have like six more boxes stored in my friends garage I have to rummage through. And I have two small chests and an air mattress. And a whole bunch of pretty purple decoratives but no real furniture! So alas I'll have to bed a new bed platform and a mattress because as grateful as I am that my friend gave me his air mattress, it deflates every couple of days!



I've been feeling uncertain about something that deep down I was too afraid to admit I knew the answer to and I finally got the clarity I needed. I wish so many barriers didn't exist in virtually every aspect of my life, but I'm just glad things are going well. I feel like I have to work on my template to enjoy my new life, which is a struggle but definitely the right direction! I guess it all depends on perspective. Part of me felt discouraged because of the unexpected road blocks but that's life. And I'm beginning to realize that it isn't the flashing neon obstructions that matter but the subtleties in life many of us forget to embrace. I want to create colorful memories!

Colorful memories is meaningful to me at the moment, but I want to create overall colorful memories, too! I want to decorate my walls. I want to explore my creativity, an unpracticed habit. I want to make my own space, create my little oasis, and find harmony in my world, something I've never had before and it's something I feel could honestly happen. But in order for that to happen I have to get to work on time. If I screw up even once before April of next year, I lose my job! Why am I always walking on a jump rope?

*Didn't have time to edit this so if it's all garbled up, that's why!

Embracing the New Chapter in my Life

So lately I've been feeling blue. Things aren't quite going the way I had expected in certain aspects of my life. I envisioned having my own place to be a liberating experience. Instead I get into a car accident, lose a friend, found myself slightly immobile, and I felt trapped in a box that looked like it was attacked by boxes. I didn't dwell on feeling discouraged, which is my first mistake because even when I ignore my feelings it always finds an outlet, another manifestation process. This time it was my immune system under attack. I could feel myself getting weaker and I was tired.

When a really good friend of mine who in all honesty sounded like crap made the time to check up on me in spite of the issues and pain going on in his life, it instantly changed something within me. I'm far from satisfied with my life but ignoring it because I don't want to pout about it doesn't work. If anything when I can't avoid it, it gushes out. The most difficult thing to change and the only thing I can change is my frame of thought. So that's what I've decided to do.

My old landlord is trying to evict me even though I don't live there anymore. It's totally a personal vendetta issue because I'm not there anymore and it costs her more money to take me to court. Just trust me on this. She's lost money because of me, I've exposed her husband as the sleaze he is, and it's fairly well known that he bordered on stalking me. But I haven't been served yet and perhaps it's unwise that I haven't gone to the court house to pick up some unidentified document. If the past is chasing me and I ignore it, it's still there. However, my choices remain that I can either interact with my past or not. I moved out to move forward. That's what I'm going to do.

I'm not doing this to run away but I trust that if this is something I can't escape, it'll eventually find me. All I know is that putting my effort and energy into the past right now has left me ill, and I don't want that. I'm embracing a new chapter in my life! Ever since I decided that last night, I've immediately felt my energy return to me. My appetite has returned and I feel like myself again. Oh and I was approved a day off to get this taken care of and the documents I needed weren't there. Maybe it was just carelessness but I took it as a sign because I felt invigorated and powerful when I discovered this as though the universe was juicing me with this sense that it gave me a gift. :)

The Unexpected Friends Who Remind me of the Value of Friendship, Day 289

This title and "reincarnation" of this entry is so much better than "I Shouldn't Have to Give You Instructions on How to be a Good Friend". I was in a situation where I really needed my friends, and the only three people I could really open up to about these things were unavailable to me. I was filled with resentment, frustration, pain, confusion, disappointment, selfishness, hypocrisy, and such negativity. I'll elaborate on it and I feel like my position was mostly valid, but it's such an unhealthy perspective to carry. Now I feel like I can step back and see the big picture instead of the distortion I was focusing on.

Every action has a consequence. Sometimes that's a good thing. If I had written an entry when I felt abandoned, I believe it would've been written well and it would've been very powerful. But I would've channeled something dark. So it wouldn't have been emotionally healthy. It would've be chaotic and full of hurt. So this is better even if it doesn't have that same raw intensity because there are more important things in life than my writing. This is something I especially want to be conscientious of when things aren't going so great, so that I step back and meditate on what truly matters and what's worth my time.

I've been having premonitions about a guy I liked for about a good year now. Not the entire time but you get the picture. I saw some things I wasn't ready to face. He's someone I usually go to about these things, but I don't want to scare him and it's not something I really want to share with him. He's one of the three people I can open up to and if it came down to it, I believe he'd be there for me. But I didn't test it out. It's not his fault he wasn't there for me. So I don't blame him at all. It was just difficult being alone in all of this.

I have so many friends, and people remind me of that all the time. But there's only three people I feel I could truly talk to about these things and in this particular case it was only two. One friend, I straight up asked him if it could just be the two of us because I really need to talk to him. I was clear that I really needed someone to talk to, and he chose to spend time with his girlfriend. He invited me along, but this wasn't a hang out for me and I believe I was clear about it.

I hate being an exclusivist but eventually I was open with both of them. I'm friends with her, too, but this is really private and intimate to me. She understands how close we are. I told them both that I'd like to only talk with him. She wasn't jealous but absent-mindedly selfish complaining about how she wants to know and doesn't like being excluded. Of course, he chooses to accommodate her over me. That really disappointed me because I would never do that. While I don't want to hurt anyone, I understand how difficult it is to open up. So I'd rather help my friend in need than satisfy someone's desires to be a part of everything. That's just not reality.

I was mostly disappointed in my friend's position because I've never known him to be like that. As for my other friend, she's a good person but I find her to be a lot more selfish around me than around others, so I wasn't too surprised by her reaction. Don't get me wrong. She wasn't trying to hurt me. I know that and I love her, but she was just killing me!

I'm not going to lie. That night I felt like she was enemy territory. She has no idea how selfless, considerate, and overly thoughtful she is of others. I became the person who showed her and assured her it's okay to be selfish and it is. But I feel like I become the friend everyone feels comfortable being selfish around. I'm happy that they're making progress in their emotional self-growth, but I hate feeling like I'm the only one paying the price for it. I get the short end of the stick.

Her friend molested me once and she spent the better portion of the evening constantly alternating between endless apologies and the incessant "Why didn't he molest me?" and "how sad now that I can't be friends with him because I love how we can talk about meditation and spirituality." Really? Are you kidding me? Do you not realize how incredibly inappropriate and selfish that is to bring up at a time like that? And in case you're wondering, she believes me. It's just when she doesn't understand something, she runs around in circles and can be rather oblivious.

I don't blame her at all for that guy's actions, and I know she carries that guilt with her. I wish she would just unburden herself. But I hated how she couldn't just be there for me. And when this happened, she was another road block. I can't understand why she just can't turn her selfishness off for me, her friend, for just a brief amount of time. She tells me straight up that she wants to hang out with just him, so she understands the irreplaceable bond between two people. I may not be his girlfriend but a bond is a bond. She has to know that.

But I fully understand that regardless of her position, he had a choice. And he chose her. I hate thinking in terms like this, though, and I resent him for putting me in this situation. I'm a friend in need. He hangs out with her all the time. I felt like he was being selfish, a crappy friend, neglectful, and in a way saying your pain is a lower priority for me, enough to disregard anyways. On the other hand, though, let's examine me for a moment, shall we?

I'm pissed because my friend won't make time for me. I'm pissed because my friend didn't choose to separate from what's making him unbelievably happy to enter a paralleled world that isn't his own to help someone else when he could be where he wants to be. I'm asking him to strip himself away from happiness. What kind of friend does that make me?

I suppose it doesn't matter because he never made time for me after all.....

I have another friend who I feel I can share just about anything with. Yet we can't always be there for each other. He was going through a lot, too. I don't want to further burden him. I really don't. But paradox is a bitch. As much as I didn't want to bother him, I so desperately wanted to feel better and it ached for me that he was suffering, too. We can both be selfish and stubborn as all Hell, but we have this innate capacity to really be there for each other. We never let the perpetuating negativity consume us and amplify when the two energies merge. We're good for each other. I could've helped him, just like he could've helped me. And it sucked that he went MIA, so that didn't happen.

As much as I'm promoting altruism, it's undeniable the selfish position I stood on. After all if he needs space, that's what he should have. Even if I could help him, sometimes we want what we want. And who am I to really say that me being there for him would've been better than the path he chose?

I'm just really disappointed because I understand the desire to choose your own happiness than help someone else in pain because once you feel theirs, it permeates you. But I always do it for my friends. I have premonitions of what kind of relationship I can have with this guy that I've liked for so long and my friend doesn't know this, but I went to visit him instead of stay and let that relationship grow. I took a plane to make sure he was okay because he was heartbroken instead of build on my own happiness.

I know my friend sensed it because he asked me what I would've done this weekend if I didn't visit him and I told him to not worry. I lied to him and said nothing more important than this. He could see right through the deceit and I can tell his heart was breaking for me and he felt bad because he's a good friend. He apologized and I ignored him. That's what I did for him. And he couldn't even send me an impersonal text? That hurts.

The timing sucked. I felt so alone. I felt even crummier hanging out with my couple friend. Earlier in the day was fun. I made a new friend, but things took a turn as premonitions flooded me. I know my well intentioned friend just wanted to make sure I was okay, and I totally lied to her. What was I supposed to do? Ruin the evening by accusing her of contributing to our other friend being a selfish friend and hash out that jerk who molested me that she's already haunted by? What would that solve? I pretended to be okay, but I was doing a terrible job. She accused me of never being like that, and that really irritated me. I've been like that for months because of the new dynamics of our friendship. She was always just too oblivious and self-involved with everyone else's feelings but mine to realize. So for her to tell me how I am really struck a nerve.

We ended up going to a crystal house which was much needed, a spiritual experience for a spiritual struggle. That's exactly what I needed, and our ride turned out to be someone who was there during the best day of my life! I talked to him the least, but it was so refreshing to see a familiar face associated with a positive time. We totally bonded and it was just great!

It's thanks to him that this blog has a completely different tone. It's still really difficult for me to express gratitude, but I hope he feels it and understands what he's done for me. Just his presence, the opportunity to see him again, and taking us to the crystal house was just incredible. He's so laid back and we began talking about writing and the value of experiences for self-growth. He wants to read my blog and he's exactly the kind of person I want reading this. But I didn't want to give it to him without including this entry because I'm so grateful for what he did for me. Sometimes the most precious thing is priceless, to be there for someone. You were just a ride and a stranger, but thank you so much!

And when we arrived, I had an opportunity to talk with a spiritualist who that night became my friend. I remember I instantly sensed a different presence in her when I first met her. There was a group of people, and I was drawn to her. She gave me some great advice last time and is so talented. I asked to speak with her and she was so receptive.

I actually couldn't bring myself to tell her about what's been going on. I had her read what I wrote about it. She seemed so moved and not in a comforting, I'm there for you because you're in pain sort of way but in a I just hit a nerve and we now have a bond that's just ours sort of way. She puts it down and says in the most genuine way I've ever heard anyone say, "I completely understand." (And by the way that's a script I'm asked to recite to customers when we fail them, so I'm not moved by it very much nowadays). But when she said it, I felt something change in me. She goes through the same thing, but she had a different perspective but it happens to her in a different way. It was truly beautiful.

Thank you so much, both of you guys!

I'm Happy :) Day 284

I really want to take the time to remember and record this feeling because this blog is supposed to be a reflection of my emotional state of being. Some of my most powerful entries are channeled through my pain and struggles, but my happiness is sparse at best. It's difficult for me to express it, but it's important for me to have balance and learn to fluently express all of my emotions. I feel bad to take advantage of my happiness and use it as a tool. Yet I don't hesitate to splash my pain and turn it into art.

I don't want to elaborate too much partially due to my insecurities and doubts but also to the person involved. I try my best to keep everyone private, but not everyone can successful stay anonymous. As much as this entry is for me, it's exposed to the eyes of others. I can't forget that and it's something I never really let myself forget, but one thing I constantly struggle to remember is that this blog is for me and when I'm happy, it's for me to share and enjoy. It's interesting how I feel the need to express myself when I'm in a mood like this. Why can't I just enjoy it without choking on words?

Something happened that's been leading up to this for a year now, although it didn't always seem like it. Life was adamant to show me that you can't fight your feelings and some things aren't better left untouched. I've been getting so many premonitions about what it would be like if we got together and it made my head spin. Now that something's started, the visions have subsided. It's almost as if the universe was trying to lead me down this path and now that I finally began it, it's letting us call the shots. All I know now is that I'm happy.

Uninspired in Writing but Inspired About Possibilities :) Day 279

I don't want to force any writing entries especially about this and in all honesty I'm a little hesitant to write about this for a number of reasons. I don't want to jinx it. It's easier for me to write about pain more than about happiness. And even though I put effort into keeping involved parties anonymous, some identities are transparent.

I usually write as a way to anchor my thoughts, but right now I don't think I should be stabilized. Sometimes it's important to be a passenger of your feelings. But I also want to expand what I write about and how I feel when I choose to write. I'm happy. I'm hopeful. I'm inspired.