Writing is Human, Day 36

I came to a realization today as I was sitting in my Creative Nonfiction Writing class. I showed up late, so there's A LOT I missed. As everyone was fulfilling their writing assignment based on a video I didn't view, I ended up fulfilling my very own assignment. I was surprised to discover that the "voice" everyone was supposed to use was the one I naturally carried as I was writing. Then it came to me that earlier this year, I wouldn't have been able to successfully use that voice because I was too emotionally-detached to do so.

Writing is a human activity. A human is a physical embodiment of an emotional soul. I was letting a part of me die because I was trying to be something I'm not. Being more emotionally-receptive and emotionally-functional, my writing will grow and evolve. It'll capture moments in a grasping way the way it's supposed to. It won't be a one-dimensional description of strategically placed words. It'll be relatable, real.

When I first began this blog, I did it out of inspiration and to channel intense emotions I didn't know how to manage and put it into words, something I already enjoy doing. By recording what I feel and experience, it's made them more real and understandable. Being more conscientious of them, I noticed the changes in me and the transformation taking effect. But this is the first time real progress became evident because proof manifested itself in the way I wrote.

The more I feel, the more I realize how disconnected I am. The less I felt, the more connected I assumed I was because I didn't know any better. It's nice to know that even though I feel disconnected, I'm actually more connected than I initially realized. It's interesting that I channel the water and fire element less, which was the only proof that I was an emotional person. But when you function like a normal person who feels things, you don't always need to experience intense emotional fluctiations and rage. You calmly experience everything around you. Who knew? I certainly didn't for a very long time.

So Much in One Day, Day 35

I woke up early to make it to a farmer's market only to arrive late because my friend kept getting lost in the freeway. I was sort of annoyed because he asked me for gas money. I don't mind pitching in when I'm getting rides, but I don't like that I was paying for his mistakes. I do have a terrible sense of direction, but this time it was his own perception and he knows that. I hate feeling conflicted because although I don't want to pay for his errors, I know he wouldn't be in that predicament if it wasn't for me. Next time I'll follow my own instincts. I would've arrived much earlier had I have taken the bus. But I had fun when I was there and made some awesome purchases! ^_^

The day became less pleasant as I was surrounded by racist bigots. It's unnerving to see such narrow-minded and pure ignorant hatred in such a modern society. There was a man who said that he only drinks Italian coffee now because he used to drink Brazilian coffee until he realized that Brazilians are useless but only decided to redeem them due to their soccer status. When someone asked him if Brazilians are good at soccer, he skeptically expressed that that's what he heard. Can you believe that crap? Can you imagine such deep-rooted bigotry towards a race that restricts your beverage selection? And the people that could introduce him to a completely different world is closed to him.

Then I watched Taking of Pelham, which was an enjoyable movie. The day didn't end so well, though. I'm so sick and tired of my friend's girlfriends and ex-girlfriends acting like I'm this slut. I'm not just some girl they hang out with. They treat me like one of the guys and call me James. My ex-boyfriend just referred me to James, while telling me that he won't be able to hang out. I'm worried that I'm having a platonic effect on the person I do like. That's reality. I don't deserve being mislabeled over that. I hate having to see texts that say something along the lines of, "Who have you slept with? Jaymie?"

If not having sex was a sport, I'd be in the Olympics and here I am villainized because these girls are insecure about themselves and my friends are too stupid to not engage and feed into their inadequacies. I hate having to hear that they should lie about who they saw the movie with or who they hung out with because it would upset her. I'm not happy about the idea of upsetting her, but I don't want any deceit taking place because of their unfounded insecurities. As much as I dislike them and their attitude towards me, they don't deserve to be lied to. Plus lying in order to "not hurt" them and entering their reality gives this impression that their perception is validated because deceit is warranted. That's far from the truth.

This is so frustrating because I truly know that I'm not doing anything wrong. And yet if a record exists, I tend to consider the possibility that there's legitimacy behind the claim. In this case, though, I think flawed perception is just concentrated in numbers. Of course, I would think that. I'm biased in this position. I'm tired of feeling guilty. I'm tired of hating my friends for lying, as though we should be ashamed of our friendships. I'm tired of getting worked up because I'm involved in some lie. I'm tired of being accused from something farthest from the truth. I'm tired of constantly hearing my friends ask why I won't go out with so and so as though I have the ability to go out with whoever I feel like when it's so painfully obvious that that isn't true. I'm tired of having to explain myself when I don't want to go out with someone. I'm tired of being burdened, annoyed, and disappointed that my friend's girlfriends or exes think there's something going on because people act like I can have whoever I want or everyone when I'm living contrary to their disillusion.

Fun Weekend in Progress, Day 34

So after work on Friday, my sister and I went to a farmer's market, which is more like a flea market. I bought a pretty glass murano pendant and chain for $5! It's purple and everything! ^_^ I so would've bought more if I wasn't planning to go on a crystal shopping spree tomorrow. There were 2 for $10 bracelets. A pretty pendant that was selling for $12, which was offered to me for $10. I wonder if that was a marketing gimmick or not. Either way, I think it was worth it. There was also an $8 bracelet. I could've bought 4 bracelets for $20, the $10 pendant, $8 bracelet, and the $5 neckace for $43. $43 would've gotten me 7 jewelry! That's awesome, right?

I also went to my friend's birthday party. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay too long. We headed over to my sister's boyfriends place to mix the drinks and drink the drinks, a phrase coined by her. I made bomb ass cosmos and mojitos! I played beer pong and flip cup for the first time. It's fun! Today we hit the beach and I tanned! I wish there were before and after pics taken of me and pre-posed pics. -___- Thanks a lot, sis! Oh well, next time! All in all a very good weekend. The fresh air was definitely good for me. My allergies aren't bothering me at all! Maybe two weeks from now, I might go water skiing. I was invited next weekend, but I have to hop a fence to enter a flea market. Fun times!

Breaking the Habit, Day 33

I wanted to take the time and explain why I chose to not blog yesterday. I suppose I could have, but I didn't have anything to express that I felt would be meaningful. I created this blog as a way to help myself. If I feel that my time will be better served elsewhere, I'll do that. But I am committed to this blog. My friend once told me that sometimes it's good to break the habit. Even if you're eating healthy, I might have junk food just to break the habit.

I don't know why, but that was one of those things that resonated in me. I feel that it's important and a lesson that'll become valuable in the near future, but I'm not sure why it is at the moment. Only time will tell. It makes sense, though. If I chose to write in spite of how I felt, the break in habit wouldn't have allowed me to reflect on things. I recently realized that self-reflection isn't always about coming to realizations that can be articulated, but it can be about reaching a certain emotional state of contentment and understanding.

No Blog Tonight, Day 32

Feeling Sick, Day 31

My immune system's gotten a little compromised as of late. (JASON, I decided to write "as of late" inspired by your choice of words on IM! LOL! I don't know why I feel the need to express that). I'm not sure if I started getting a cold, my allergies have left me weak, or if the sun has made me susceptible to sickliness. All I know right now is that I wake up every morning with a dry sore throat and when I cough, it's hoarse. But my nose is definitely runny and I've been sneezing incessantly, so there's no doubt that allergies are at play here. My headache is probably sinus-related. Certain times of the day I feel more weak than other times. I start feeling a little sleepy, as though my body's beginning to shut down. I wonder if that's my body's way of trying to communicate with me that I should rest in order to recover. I'm not as productive or efficient as usual. Hopefully it'll pass. I have nothing else to report. I sort of feel guilty that this entry is so uneventful because this is time that anyone who's reading will never get back. I care about those things, THOMAS! LOL!

Oh here's something. I'm drinking an immune-enhancing tea that's not very delicious but effective. I added six smashed garlic cloves and juice of a lemon into a pot of water. I brought it to a boil. Then you had buckwheat honey to taste. Stir and let it sit for five minutes before consumption. Repeat as needed.

It's Not About the Celebration, Day 30

My 365 a day project has finally reached its one-month anniversary! Yay! Now that it's finally happened, I'm wondering why I deluded myself into thinking that this isn't something I can do. I was trying to come up with ways I can celebrate. I considered asking this guy who works at the farmer's market suggestions for incorporating the air element because he commented that he has too much of the wind element. That's the exact opposite problem I have, so I thought about asking him if he had any suggestions for me. I never got around to it and didn't feel like asking the next time I saw him.

It left me wondering how on earth I can or should celebrate the big 30 day event until it dawned on me that it isn't about the celebration but the changes that occurred since the birth of this blog. Day to day, I don't stop to think how much I change in a month. But reflecting on this blog, it's apparent that even in brief moments I grow. I'm beginning to realize that although it's rare and brief, I do have moments where I'm clear-minded, a difficult task I've been struggling with my entire life. I found a home for my thoughts where I can release my emotions and fears, a fairly new and foreign concept to me. This blog has allowed me to embrace and accept who I am.

I've become open about the fact that I get premonitions, and it's made things less scary. The more open I am about it, the less crazy it is than I once suspected it would be. It brought stability into my life. It also brought an awareness of feelings. A good friend of mine used to look at me with confusion, disappointment, and shock, while saying to me that it's like I'm not human. I didn't understand what he meant until now. Who knew how much I was missing out on by being so emotionally-disconnected?

I sheltered myself from inevitable pain by delaying it a little, which may have been worthwhile at one point in my life, but it also kept me from understanding how life works. Life is about taking risks, so you can get hurt and fall into a pool of depression. Without that kind of pain burdening us, what incentive will we have to rise above it? As my friend beautifully expressed it, "Words can cut you like a knife. You bleed into a large pool of sadness." It's through that experience that this blog was born. I remember the pain, and I still feel the pain. But I also feel a change in me, a change for the better. That's what I should celebrate and appreciate, the little things. This blog has allowed me to observe my behavior, and it's revealed to me how powerful and influential my feelings are. That's a concept I would've never understood in the past. So today I choose to silently celebrate the changing me and the woman who inspired me. Urban Buddha 1602, I thank you.