Day 75 and 76

Obviously there was no blog on these days. i was heavily medicated and incoherent. I still am, but I plan to blog today because I don't find it acceptable or excusable to neglect this blog, something, I've committed to simply because it's a challenge. I feel like maybe I should surrender this time. I have to know when it's best to step down, but I don't want to. Besides, being too weak to express the burdens of my life isn't my way. If I don't release it somehow,some way it gets trapped in me. Even if freeing it is a pain, it's worse to keep it in. So today I'm ready to rip!

Day 74

Today I didn't go to school. My meds make me loopy. I do have thoughts I want to express, but I'm not going to tonight. Good night!

The Doctor Visit, Day 73

I went to my doctor's appointment today. I was so freaked out. I even considered ditching. But the more I contemplated the idea of not going, the more real the idea that something really is wrong plagued me. Is that something I can afford to ignore? It was one thing when I didn't have the financial resources to be told that something was wrong. I do feel that everything happens for a reason. It's been so long since I've had money that wasn't designated to a rigid budget that I'm sort of bummed out that it got spent on something so boring and technical. But it doesn't change the fact that clearly this can't go ignored.

A cough that people have become accustomed to is entirely different from a rash that's spreading like wildfire all over my skin. When I can't even manage to get to school in a timely fashion and I live across the street because I'm too busy itching, it's a problem. I look like I should be quarantined. The rash on my face swelled up so badly that it was hurting me last night. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to open my eyes to make it to the doctor's office. That's not something that should go ignored.

I have had a case of skin allergies in the past before but not quite like this. It took me a couple months to get over it, and I had to hide my legs. This is completely different, though. it's been confirmed that the rash all over my skin now is allergies. I've been prescribed allergy medications and antibiotics for the infection. -____- I take both meds every eight hours. Fun!

There's a couple of disconcerting information. The fact that my cough has lasted as long as it has followed by a rash can mean a number of things according to my physician. He says it's urgent to get a chest x-ray, which scares me the most. But he's telling me to not worry too much about the cough or the chest x-ray, as the cough is starting to subside. The main concern at the moment is the rash that should be addressed immediately. Since he wants me to spend the least amount of money possible, he's hoping that the allergy medication for my skin will relieve my chronic cough. If it doesn't, then I'll have to buy prescription cough medicine.

I, unlike others, dislike the idea of being heavily medicated. I don't like the loopy feeling. I like being in control. I'm no longer attached to my thoughts, but I don't like the idea of being hostage to chemical substances, either. God, you know what I just realized? If I wasn't so afraid of losing control, I'd be a bad ass with drugs.

Anyways, I have allergy meds that I took at 8 pm. I have to take them every 8 hours. I should've taken it at 10 pm, but now I have to wake up at 4 am to take another dose. Ugh! I have to take my next dose of antibiotics at 2 am. Can you say unstable sleep pattern? Luckily, my friend is going to text or call me at 4 am. Hopefully, I can stay awake until 2 am. I really should've taken the meds a couple hours later. Oh well.....

The meds run the risk of making me super drowsy. I hope I'll wake up in time for my chem class because I was given a deadline to take all of those accumulated quizzes by today, but I've had trouble logging into it. I haven't gotten a chance to get that resolved. I emailed my poetry professor who was adamant that I stay home until I get better. She even seemed against me hanging out with my friend who can hand in my homework assignments for me. Whatever, though! At least I'm covered in her class.

I'm Really Terrified, Please Help Me, Day 72

Words can't express the fear I'm experiencing at this time. I've had this chronic dry cough for over a month. It started around the first fire, so I thought the fire triggered it. But now it's no longer a valid reasoning. It makes more sense if it's allergies especially since I have intense bouts of sneezes, too. I'm clearly not contagious because I have a ton of roommates and am exposed to a lot of people. No one else seems to be getting sick.

I resisted going to the doctor because I genuinely wasn't concerned about it. Plus the cough has started to minimize in intensity. But my friends, one in particular, has finally convinced me about the urgency of going. Part of me made the appointment just to shut him up, but I'm starting to get really scared. I'm not usually afraid of going to the doctor, which worries me that maybe something is wrong with me. Why else would I be terrified about something that never scared me before? Is this why I have avoided going for so long, and I've busied myself to not face my feelings and fears behind my procrastination?

It isn't an obnoxiously loud cough that scares me, though, although maybe it should. I just started getting this severe rash all over my skin, and it's spreading like wildfire. I believe I started getting it Wednesday night. Friday night I was completely panicked, desperately trying to convince my friend that my skin feels uneven as though the rash is spreading. It wasn't very visible, but I could feel it because I know my skin.

A moment of weakness and vulnerability washed over me. I wish he (not my friend I was hanging out with but someone else) was there. He told me one day that he would be able to recognize my face just through touch because he's touched it so many times to recognize it. (Is that really what casual is to him? Either he's lying, or I wonder what serious is to him). I wanted someone who knew my face well like that to see if the rash was spreading, but mostly I missed him. It's annoying, desperate, and lame that I think of him at any opportunity. It's creepy! I want it to go away! I bet he's able to move on with his life. Why can't I do that?

Back to my point, I'm really scared. What is this? By yesterday it was undoubtedly spreading, and I have rashes over my eyelids. What I'm afraid of is what if it gets so severe that I can't open my eyes? Obviously I'll have to go to the doctor's then. But how will I get there? This isn't normal. What am I so afraid of discovering? I'm more afraid of what I'll learn than my eyelids being shut.

I'm the One Who's Never the One, Day 71

I hate to hear girls bitch that no one likes them. It feels so bleak, self-pitying, exaggerated, one-sided, and takes on a self-defeatist tone. But after an established pattern exists, it'd be neglectful to ignore the possibility that you're a factor in this equation. He was right when he said that after a while it's time that I stop looking at others and look within myself.

It seems like I'm the one who's never the one. Most of my friends are guys. They treat me and act like I'm one of the guys. They call me James for short. On occasion I'll meet someone who's interested in having sex but not in pursuing a relationship with me.

I went dancing with a friend last night. He said he had a hard time believing that I don't have a boyfriend because I'm pretty, I'm interesting, and I'm smart. He questioned whether I socialize or not, even though he knows I do. That's how much he was in disbelief. He assumed that guys at least find me sexually attractive. Very rarely. Then he just assumed that I reject guys but that they're there. Wrong again. Yet what I find interesting is that he's in disbelief because when he first met me he wanted to sleep with me, but he admitted that he never liked me. That still rings true. So why is it so hard to believe that other guys carry the same perspective? He thinks I can't find someone who's looking for the same things as me because I'm limiting my exposure to guys who are exclusively sexual, and he suggested that I try interacting with older men. I know many guys of all ages and backgrounds and different desires.

It's one thing if I surround myself with guys who are only looking for sex and that's all I get. But I don't do that. I have a diverse exposure. They just aren't interested in me beyond a sexual capacity, if even that. It makes me feel like a cheap date. What is it about me that makes my peak just sexual? What's worse is that I won't sleep with anyone I'm not with, so there's no benefit whatsoever.

There's a possibility that a friend had a crush on me. Assuming that was even the case, he's clearly over me. I have another friend who's married. He admitted that he once liked me a lot. If his feelings for me were that strong and that deep, why didn't he pursue me? He chose work over me. I wasn't important enough to make a priority in his life. It seems stupid to dwell over them because I'm not interested in either of them, but I do dislike feeling inadequate.

There's one guy who's opinion of me matters greatly. He either lied to me then or is lying to me now. That means that he did have feelings for me at one point and lost interest in me as he spent more time with me. Or he was never interested in me and lied to me and used me, which means that he never cared, ever. Or he does and/or did have real, meaningful feelings for me. But they aren't important enough to pursue.

I've resisted writing this blog entry, even though this thought has been circulating in my mind strongly for the past couple of days after a recent incident. It's not an insecurity I want to address. I also feel like expressing it will make these concerns more real. I'm relieved to experience a sense of release. I don't feel like a lame loser like I thought I would.

Knowledge is Power But Power Can Be Destructive, Day 70

I've always known that knowledge is power. Either I've experienced it. I've had it flowing through my veins, and I could feel it. Or I observed it and witnessed its power. But all that I've seen and felt before was ruthless, one-dimensional, intellectually thirsty power that's consuming. I thought that's the only knowledge there is. Maybe it is. But I'm realizing that's it's not enough.

There has to be balance in life. Feel with your heart. Think with your mind. The mind can never compensate what the heart can offer. It's an inadequate source. Even knowledge has its drawbacks especially if you crutch onto it. It'll start to paralyze your feelings. When that happens, you stop being human. You don't know how you feel. You don't know how others feel. You don't know what to make of what you feel or don't feel. Who do you trust? Knowledge will never offer you those answers because it's cerebral.

I fear that the more "knowledge" you have, the more power you have. But not every power is good. Some is destructive, harmful, painful, ruthless, heartless, cruel, mean, suffocating, and devastating. Yet you feel so little of it when you need to, when you should. I realized that last night as I observed my roommate persistently, diligently, and kindly re-iterate information optimistically in hopes that the contents of her message will be delivered. After a many grueling hours, she succeeded.

I don't think her kindness and care was deserved. But I suppose that's not the point. It isn't about what other people deserve. It's what you can offer. She's the kind of person who will give that to someone because that's who she is. Is that who I am? Is that someone I can become? Is that someone I want to become? Or will I just be trapped in this destruction of knowing which leaves me hardened and callous towards people I know will be vicious long before it occurs. It makes me cynical. It keeps me safe. It prepares me. I saw someone's vindictive nature deeply hidden within him long before he even knew it existed. I knew it was beginning to surface. I can feel us contributing to its manifestation. I felt it being conceived. I saw it grow. It keeps me sharp. But it also stifles me.

My Outlet, Day 69

Lately I feel like all I do is spill of emotions and premonitions. All I do is feel, but I don't always understand. I wish I can believe what I feel. How can I not believe what I feel? That makes no sense to me. I honestly feel like I'm learning to, though.

Someone said something that counteracts what I've observed, feel, trust, and experienced. Who do I trust? Am I honestly supposed to trust myself when all I seem to do is live in a whirlwind of doubts to avoid trusting? Am I honestly supposed to trust the person who said that I could trust myself, whom I believe, and trust myself when that same person tells me that I can't trust myself? I was crushed. But I didn't feel surprised, even though I'm in doubt about it. I've never believed in fairy tale endings or that candy-coated la la happy thoughts. But for the first time I've discovered that sad endings are still better than no beginnings. I even told my roommate that I feared things would end badly, but the experience is still something I want to have. No, the memories. I want to remember them fresh in my mind.

I don't understand why I don't hate this person or why I'm not mad at him, but I'm not. I can't be. I don't understand. After what happened, it's the logical thing to do. It's what makes sense. He says it's because I'm growing. I'm learning to understand and feel, so I see where he's coming from. It's allowed me to empathize. It's ironic that I don't understand because I'm starting to understand. If I understand, I feel like I should understand. And I don't. But I think he's right.

Technicalities aside, he knows that he's betrayed me and lied to me because he knows me. I have a hard time believing what I heard today and not because it isn't what I want. I have difficulty because I feel it's a lie. That doesn't change what he's ultimately decided. There's nothing I can do but respect it. I wish if he lied to me today, though, to make it easier that he would admit that. I'll still respect his wish, but I want to know that I can trust myself.

I feel like since he's betrayed my trust, my feelings should just go away and that I should guard up. I know that's not how it works. But why not? Feelings and pain drive people to do horrible things. If our bodies were trained to be numb, we could be better off in some ways. Instead I tell him that I'm ready, even still after what happened, to take down some walls around him. And I did, some major ones. It was the most naturally painful feeling I experienced. I wanted nothing more at that moment than for him to hold me and everything else just disappear. No time, no school, no people, no pain, no hurt, no complication, just that moment. I'm sure there are better moments, but that's what I wanted.

I felt so guilty, manipulative, and weak for wanting that because although I wanted to be comforted, I wanted him. I wanted to be in HIS arms, I wanted him to hold me, I wanted to be close to him, I wanted to feel him, I wanted to squeeze in any moment I can with him, I want to pretend even for just a second that being that close to him meant we were together. Why can't I just hate him? Why can't I just slap him? Why do I want to be wrapped around by the arms of someone who did that to me? What's wrong with me? Why do I have these thoughts? Why won't they go away? Why are they controlling me? Why am I so inappropriate?

When I admitted how inappropriate it was that I wanted him to hold me, he said that it wasn't. And he was right. I knew how much I missed him and how safe he made me feel. It was more than just a friend comforting or at least it was for me. Maybe it was for him too. All I remember was that I wanted everything else to melt away. But one more thing rang through. He was honestly being a genuine friend. I know this because the way he was holding me was the exact way another friend was holding me in a vision.

This friend and I were together in some future possibilities, but in one of them he was just a good friend. He was honestly there to comfort me. It wasn't intimate or romantic, just caring. How devastating is it that I know it wasn't inappropriate for the guy I want nothing more than to be with was just being a friend because I can reference a vision I had of another friend doing the exact same thing in a reality where he wasn't interested in me romantically, either. I turned to him because I know I can count on him from my visions, but that's not who he is yet.

"I don't know how to put it in words. I'm confused. I feel things I don't understand cuz I've blocked emotions for too long. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel selfish for bothering you with it. I shouldn't rely on my visions, but I know I can talk to you. The only person I feel I can talk to is someone I never hung out with based on visions. Pathetic." That's a text I sent to him. He said that I'm a great writer and I should use it as my outlet.

I've had this chronic cough for months, and some friends have been all over my ass about getting it checked out. One person has finally motivated me to go. I've also been exhibiting these rashes all over my skin today, too. I just found out that my rent is going to be raised in an unreasonable capacity. There's bullshit speculation that my rent was always more than what I've been paying. It's ridiculous. They're lies, but I don't have time to entertain them. I have to move out. My expenses have officially exceeded my income. I can't afford anything. I completely broke down today only to realize that I'm tired of trying to make things happen. I can't force anyone to be friends with me just because my visions show us being close. But even worse I can't make him have the same feelings I have of him. I can't make my visions go away. I can't make my feelings go away. All I seem to be able to do is make the one person I want to be with to not be with me because I'm not important enough, good enough, or I'm not really sure why.

Every aspect of my life seems to suck. I can't even enjoy that I'm growing as a person. With my home being in jeopardy. With my finances gone completely haywire. With my health completely in shreds. You know what's on my mind? He is. All I kept thinking today while all of this was happening was that my life sucks so badly that I don't even have time to miss him, to be sad about how things turned out or how it didn't. When I finally got some time to feel everything that's happening, all I can think about is him. Why him out of everything that's going on in my life? Because he was the one who could've been....but I guess I was never his.