After my last entry, I had quite a bit to
contemplate about. I finally admitted and accepted shortcomings I’ve spent most
of my time denying or ignoring. I had a cathartic and insightful conversation
with a good friend of mine when I expressed my concerns to her. Recap: I find
that I have a retention problem and jobs I should be able to keep not working
out as a result of my performance, performance issues I shouldn’t have.
She postulated that perhaps I deliberately
sabotage these jobs because they aren’t meant for me and I’m desperate to
escape them. That makes perfect sense! After all the problems that result in my
termination only surface in the workplace such as debilitating memory issues,
which under normal circumstances are fine. It’s amazing how when things become
clear, the fog lifts and we feel lighter. It doesn’t change my challenges
because I still need to make an income and if I continue down this path, the
situation will perpetuate and I certainly don’t want that. But I’m beginning to
realize the value of customization.
I have to be more selective in the jobs I apply
for. The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and
expecting a different outcome. I keep applying for the same types of jobs that
don’t work out. I can be frustrated that I can’t hang on to them because it is,
but I need to be productive with my time.
I don’t choose to sabotage these jobs, but they
continue to occur. I see the sabotage as a child acting out. It’s frustrating
when I’m my own source of destruction and I’m unable to reason with myself, but
it also serves a valuable lesson because it’s forcing me to look at other areas
of opportunities that would be more conducive for me. I’m not meant to be
trapped in an office-support position long-term.
I have that “look.” I appear professional and am
well-placed in a corporate environment, but I have a rush of energy which over
time crashes. I’ve always been like that and as much as I wish I had a steadier
source of discipline and stamina, it’s best for me to accept how I operate and
act accordingly because I’m me; no one else. It’s incredibly liberating to come
to terms with this.
I wasted so much energy feeling inadequate for
not being able to execute what others seem to do well that I never focused on
the strengths that come with my circumstance. By being open and honest with
myself, I also came to terms with some other areas of weaknesses that are
important to address.
They all came to me through different sources
like puzzle pieces I had to put together. My mother told me that “you can’t be
successful at an entry-level job with a senior management mentality.” Who knew
that being told I’d be a failure would be such welcome news. Something about
that statement had an intrinsic effect on me that it made me receptive to some
of the other things she’s said so many times before that I’ve dismissed such as
I’m meant to be in business for myself.
Some people have a natural knack for business;
I’m not one of them. Business schools are available, but I find that people who
have a natural talent are the best at it, which isn’t to say people who engage
in professional training are any less capable. I just don’t even find business
to be appealing that I can’t imagine being suited for it. But I’m beginning to
realize how crippling my mentality is; I think too much in terms of absolutes.
When I shared my concerns and ideas with my
friend, she told me that I don’t learn quickly enough according to my
intellectual level and personality. That is so true! I find myself resentful
because I get scrutinized for my learning curve, while others are tolerated for
their delays. But the difference is that I’m more intelligent than the others,
so the expectation that others have of me are much higher. And when I don’t
meet them, consequences follow. It’s an example of when my intelligence is a
disadvantage.
She and I have worked together and are good
friends, so she understands how I am. She recognizes my intelligences but is
also aware of my learning speed. It’s not particular a proud moment, but by
becoming aware of this, I’m giving myself an advantage because I can refine my
job searches to positions that don’t require me to learn something in a shorter
amount of time. By selecting jobs I can perform well, it’s the best situation
for everyone involved.
I used to believe
that people who accepted and “settled” for their weaknesses did it because it
was too difficult for them to deal with their shortcomings. But now I realize
that we all have shortcomings and the people who succeed are the ones who
channel their strengths. I’m doing no one any good by dwelling on my faults
because when I embrace my strengths, I’m able to help others and that’s a
powerful thing.
